P e r s o n a l B l o g/T w i t t e r . : : . W r i t i n g B l o g/T w i t t e r

I'm a Do'er, but do I need to Be something?

I realize that unless I start my week out rather organized, the rest of it won't go well.  You see, most Mondays have some activity and then Tuesdays and Wednesdays are a blur of activity so nothing around my apartment gets done.  The trash won't get taken out.  The dishes won't get done.  If I leave laundry in the dryer it won't move.  Sunday night I had better get the rest of my life in order!  LoL.  I did pretty well this week, however there are still dishes from Sunday and the trash is close to overflowing and well... the laundry was in there before Sunday so that's my own fault!

Today I am slightly frustrated with myself for completely controllable reasons.  I've been going to church, but not really attending it.  My responsibilities keep me there and my dedication to not miss out on those hold on to me - but sometimes I wonder if I'm really paying attention?  I'm not doing enough - and sometimes I'm not doing any - personal devotion time.  However when I do go to church I see right where the message is going and I have the uncanny habit to pick out how it's going to get there; I get the mentality I guess.  It's not a bad thing, but I like to be surprised, I like to be challenged intellectually - and I don't.  And it's not the church's fault - it's my own.  I should do more for pushing myself to learn more.  I have the idea to write some spiritual things in the future, and I'm wondering if I shouldn't start on the research, because giving my research the purpose could force me to develop the habit of researching.  Hope that makes sense, LoL.  I need a Saturday to go back to SAGU and spend in the library ferreting out the most useful books and making book lists or notes.

I don't know. I have a general frustrated feeling today.  I feel like today will be a good day, I'm just frusterated for the time being.  And I'm frustrated that I can't spell frusterated.  LoL.  I want to put an 'e' in there!!!!!!  I think I bring this on myself by having expectations for myself that are either high, or impossible.  No one can be perfect.  On author Don Miller's blog, he talked about how Denmark was one of the happiest countries in the world - because they have low expectations.  Now, I'm not saying I need to put aside all aspirations, but maybe I need to reevaluate some of them.  I know I went into college with the idea I would change the world, that I would make a difference, lead a revolution - and I can't do any of that it seems.  It's depressing, but it's also unrealistic.  I think I have this idea in my head that there's a job I was put on earth to do and I have to throw myself at everything until I figure it out - but what I might not have realized was that I was put on earth to be.  Just to Be.  Sure, in being here there are things that come with it, and I'm talking spiritually within the context of my own beliefs, and then the additional load of what I have to do because of the way we have developed in this world.

I'm not satisfied with this answer; I'm a Do'er.  I need to Do things.  I need to Be something.  But maybe I also need to slow down and realize there's more to life than Being or Doing something.  I'm not sure what I'm saying, but I'm saying I'm unhappy sometimes and I'm trying to muddle through the why's.  I feel like in saying all of this I'm failing someone; my parents? Society? They all tell us to go do something with our lives when we're younger.  If I pick out a path that makes me happier in my life, but also doesn't change the world, will that be okay? Am I failing myself? The world? I don't know!  I'm getting more frustrated writing this, but only with myself.  For some reason I can't seem to be happy with the idea of just doing stuff.  I'm dissatisfied and I don't know what to do about it.

So what do you do when you feel dissatisfied with yourself? Or life?

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So I rarely finish a blog and publish it - mostly for this very reason.  I like blogs. I know I'll read a blog if it's in my blogroll because I only keep what I like there, and I like reading stuff.  I stumbled across this blog/website and while it's a simple scripture and paragraph - I think it's what I need to hear; keep it simple stupid.

The One Thing.

1 thoughts:

Alicia said...

I can relate. And I really think a lot of that is less "church" mentality and more something we picked up during Master's Commission. It always felt like the point of MC was to be doing and being something in Christian society, and I know that really carried over for me. I feel like with the training and discipleship I've gone through, I should feel obligated to do more than a regular person. It's frustrating for me, too, and I'm doing far less than you are. At least you're out there, I just need to kick myself in the rear and make myself pick up my Bible and a devotional book more than once a blue moon.

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Grew up traveling to rodeos with my parents. I've gone across the world thanks to my gypsie feet. I feel sometimes like I've done everything & nothing. I've played roller derby, traveled parts of the world, have four degrees. I've done some things most people will never do in their lives & still I want to do more. I want to work with orphans & teenagers again. I'm a Christian. I have a lot of tattoos. I like art therefore I want to be art. I love people. I started writing years ago when I was a kid. I think at the time it was an outlet for me; I found escape in my word & the worlds I created. Eventually I just started to like creating stuff & that's when I started sharing it with other people. Now I think I write every day. I want to do NaNoWrMo this year. I'm also learning how to knit. I think I'm on my way to being an eccentric old woman who runs around the world doing silly cazy things and knitting while she does them. Be on your guard I have knitting needles!

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