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emotional infidelity

Okay, so I'm reading a certain book where some cheating happens - characters that I have been in literary love with cheated, like wow cheated. I finished the book and was so angry I wanted to punch kittens - and I still do. I'm going to be doing a Book-Addicts.com blog about emotionally charged reactions to books, but stemming from this book I've had a few conversations and an eye opening situation happen. So I thought I'd tackle my thoughts on emotional infidelity.

Cheating. I hate cheaters. There's a lot in the world I'm willing to forgive - cheating is something very difficult for me to forgive. It's a complete stripping of trust, no matter if it's someone I'm dating or if my best friend’s boyfriend cheats on her or if I'm best friends with the cheater; to me it says something about their character and as a default - I become wary of trust. There are always extraneous situations, and I won't even begin to claim that I react this way to every situation, but there is always a moment when I utterly question the trust and faith I have in that person.

So what is cheating? What's your definition of cheating? Is cheating a physical action? Or are thoughts enough? Would stolen time or warm-fuzzy-feelings for someone else constitute cheating?

There are a lot of options to consider when labeling someone a cheater. The most obvious is the physical act of cheating on a significant other. You can't deny what happened, maybe the circumstances, but the act happened. But what about emotional infidelity? Cheating that happens in the mind and heart; is that wrong?

I can't help but think about that infamous SmartBitches post recently where a boyfriend questioned his girlfriend’s stash of romance books. The blog is about another avenue, but it proves a point; some people will claim that romance books and porn are cheating because the mind and emotions are elsewhere, not on the significant other. There are people who ascribe to the ideology that thinking about another woman with interest of any sort - is cheating.

That's an extreme side - I sort of wanted to point out the obvious and the extreme, so now I'll hit the middle road which is where most of my questions and thoughts are centered.

In high school I often found myself in the role of "the best friend" the "girl who was one of the guys". Do you know how much that sucks? Thank GOD I woke up and got out of that rut when I hit college; yes, I had guy friends but I was no longer friends with them for the wrong reasons, and I didn't allow them to think of me as one of the guys unless that was the friendship I wanted. Unrequited love is brutal.

You know why I think a lot of those guys considered me part of their "best friend" tribe back then? Because looking back there was something missing with their significant other that I provided. It was high school and most of it was dumb, but it's the illustration I have on hand at the moment. The boys physically dated someone else, but when they wanted to talk about stuff or go do stupid stuff their girlfriends wouldn't do - they called me. And silly me went along with it because one day they'd wake up and realize just how awesome I was. (They never did, and I probably wasn't all that awesome if that was how I was pining after them.)

Later on in life, I found myself in a very odd love-square. I was friends with people who were dating other people, heck - I was dating someone else, and yet emotionally I connected on a level with someone who was not my boyfriend to such a degree that I knew it was wrong to be dating one person but harboring feelings for another.

Feelings happen. We're going to feel things for people who are not our significant other; it's how you handle it that matters. But is there a line of right and wrong? How do you know where that is? You can't really tick off emotional boxes looking at someone - only the person feeling can do that and even then we get our own synapses so crossed and rewired we confuse ourselves. If you've ever seen He's Just Not That Into You, there's a story arc of a married man who has a friendship develop with a woman who is not his wife; there's a point in the movie where he pulls back and says something to the affect, 'This is wrong'. The woman questions him about having female friends - are they wrong? But the friendship wasn't the issue - they both knew the issue was with how they were feeling about each other. By spending time with the other woman and developing feelings for her the character was cheating. Okay, other stuff happens but that's later on.

Drawing the line around emotions is hard. It's very subjective and murky. What I think of as cheating emotionally won't be the same for someone else - and that's where it gets hard to handle, to understand and deal with.

I don't think I answered, explained or stated any questions very well, but I put ideas down and right now that's what matters.

the life, post-novel

Sunday I finished a first draft of a novel I started last month.  It was a very exciting moment, but I knew I was going to finish it during the weekend.  Heck, I'd planned it that way - because I need two weeks to get ready for NaNoWriMo - and clean my apartment!

So what does life look like post-novel?  Messy.  I'm starting a cleaning schedule.  First everything will be tidied up, mostly put into place so my apartment is presentable - and then I start the deep clean.  I'm going to try to borrow or rent a carpet cleaner I think, and a vaccume - or maybe just buy a new one.  My mom visted me this last weekend and remarked about how dirty my apartment is.  It irked me because it was a little messy around the edges but for the most part it was clean!

I think I got the cleaning bug from my mom - but only after I moved away.  Before I did everything possible to not clean, but now all I want is for everything to have a place and a spot.

Oh my, I'm becoming my mother....

beliefs.

I was driving Saturday when I had a very philisophical conversation with myself about beliefs and what I believe.

I've always been very forthcoming with what I believe; I'm a Christian, that's just how it is.  I'm probably more liberal than others, and much more accepting, but I believe in a God, a risen Savior and the presence of the Holy Spirit.  I'm not going to spoon feed you my kool-aid, and I respect the right to believe differently - but I don't shy away from talking about it - if it comes up.

So while driving I started thinking about beliefs in an arm's length kind of way.  Stepping back and looking at the trappings and rules - and you know what?  It's hard to believe in something.  I have faith because I just do, I can't explain my faith to someone who doesn't want faith, and that's difficult to deal with on the best of days.  It would be so much easier to believe that this life ends with your last breath, the last beat of your heart; you're time's up, you've had a great run of things - and now it's over.  Like the wind-up toy that no longer windes, you're done.  That would simply life so much; there wouldn't be any teetering on the precipice of right and wrong - there would just exsist a state of being, answerable to only yourself.

I've always needed rules or guidelines in my life.  I need to know where the line is because I've always struggled with balance in my life; I tend to throw myself into something and do too much of it, or consume all of it.  Books?  I read them in one sitting, and that's kind of how I treat a lot of things in my life.  I give myself over to it wholly, I want to read the finish line, have an end product, reap the rewards of having completed that task, etc.

I know I should be a 'better Christian'.  I don't go to church as much as I should.  The fact that it's hard for me to find a place where people don't stare at me and wonder what my real reason for being around is, or where people are friendly and open enough to let you into the click, or any number of other social situations.  It's not God in the church that keeps me out, it's the people.  That's a terrible mindset; we're Christians, we're not supposed to live solitary lives, but for me it's easier 'being on my own' than around others.  And that's not really a good mindset - but I also know that I'm playing with a specific hand of cards that you, my reader, probably don't know so don't judge me too harshly because you don't know the whole story.

And this leads me to the question - what makes a 'good' Christian?  I believe.  I try not to sin.  I'm not as good about reading my Bible or praying as I should be.  I'm not affraid to talk to people about what I believe, but I don't initiate that conversation very much (Okay, that's not true, I have the prophet Hosea tattoo'd on my arm and THAT gets a lot of attention and starts the conversation - so maybe I am guilty of starting the conversation....).  It would be easier for my off-balance life if I had a few simple guidelines to tell me when enough is enough, because I constantly feel like a failure because I'm not burning the candle at both ends where my faith and beliefs are concerned - and I don't know if that's a right or wrong sentiment.  I just don't know, and worrying about it makes me not want to even think about it - and then I wonder if believing in nothing at all would be better, but that's not true, because my beliefs are integral to who I am and are part of me.

I'm not looking for an answer, I'm just wanting to express this knot of thought inside my head; believing is harder that not believing at all, but without my beliefs I'm denied hope in something bigger and better than myself, so it's okay that things are a little hard sometime.  I'll figure out a balance, life will make sense, and maybe I'll realize that it's okay that I live in America, working a regular job, doing my own things - and not something more dedicated.  Sometimes I feel like a failure because I didn't try harder to be a missionary when working in a church became impossible, but I can't change the past and I can only move forward - and for now forward is right where I am headed.

Dr Who

Anyone else watch it?

I have a lot of friends who do, and I had no idea what they were talking about when they started spouting off about TARDIS and sonic screwdrivers - most of the time I just smiled, nodded and acted like everything made perfect sense.  Sounds like a good plan, huh?  And it was!  At least until I decided to dip my toes int he pond and see what it's all about.

And ya know what?  I'm loving it.  I'm almost through season 2 of Dr Who, trying to convince myself to stretch it out instead of jamming it all in one weekend, but it's not working out so well.  I've been knitting and watching it a lot.  Yup - so far I have a new hat and I'm almost done with a book cozy.  Made my wristies watching a big chunk of it too.  Now if only I could finish those scarves.... if only I could remember where they are.

So anyways, I'm watching Dr Who, and it's fun.  I should post pictures of my knitting, but it's all up on Ravelry if you belong to that fun little cult.

NaNo stuff has and hasn't picked up.  There's plenty of stuff that goes on behind the scenes that takes up time, and we're planning stuff and doing preparations, but nothing that's huge - at least not until this weekend.

I need to finish the book I'm working on now so I can focus on my November projects, which I blogged about over on cidwrites.com - yes, I'm blogging more!  Be impressed.

Okay, off to get a snack and do stuff.

2010 Halloween Costume

Okay, so yes, I've been a sucky blogger so to get me back to talking about stuff, since it's October, I'll talk about my Halloween costume.  I knew after reading Feed by Mira Grant that I wanted to be Urban Survival Barbie, sort of like Alice from Resident Evil, but with glam.  I debated for a long time if I wanted to do it glitzy like, or do more of an urban feel.  I couldn't decide, but I thought that Barbie would have to be pink - so I went on a search for something that would work, and last weekend I found the perfect Barbie zombie fighting dress.

There's still important parts that I need.  I'm going to look into getting a pagent style sash this next week, like Miss America style, but with hot pink letters saying Urban Survival Barbie, and I'll probably make a patch for the back of it that says, Rise up while you still can.  I found the company that makes the Miss America and Universe sashes, I'd like to see the faces on the people when they get the order.  It's going to be funny.

Oh, I also have these killer boots that also came from Ross.  Yeah, Ross is a great place.

So, once I have the sash, now that I have the dress and the boots, I need those fancy, jewel hose, I'm going to try to find a mini-black leather jacket, a blonde wig is a necessity, and also a bedazzled machete.  Yup, I'm going to bedazzle me some metal.  It's going to be great.

Now, where will I be wearing this, you ask?

Two places.  First, on the 31st to the NaNo midnight write in.  It will be great fun.  Then, the second is to the Readers'n'Ritas costume ball in November.

So yeah, I'm going to be Barbie.

I feel guilty that I'm not blogging more, so I keep not blogging.

I should blog more.  I keep meaning to, but then I feel guilty that I haven't been blogging, so I keep not blogging.  Yes, that makes a lot of sense, I know.

So what have I been doing?

Not a lot, really.  Mostly reading, writing and knitting.  I started back up with belly dance classes, so that's a good thing.  I've started a new novel and I'm 75% of the way through writing the first draft.  I'm knitting my first ever hat - and Alice gave me these super awesome stitch markers that have pretty beads on them.  I've also knitted fingerless gloves based on a Dr Horrible Wristies pattern.  And I'm reading a lot.  So far the best new releases I've read in the last few weeks are Bayou Moon by Ilona Andrews (I've read it four times now) and The Iron Duke by Meljean Brooks (read it twice, it came out on Tuesday, like two days ago).

And, I'm getting ready for NaNoWriMo.  I'm an ML so things are going to be busy, but I'm excited.

Yup, time for me to go to bed.  Night!

About Me

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Grew up traveling to rodeos with my parents. I've gone across the world thanks to my gypsie feet. I feel sometimes like I've done everything & nothing. I've played roller derby, traveled parts of the world, have four degrees. I've done some things most people will never do in their lives & still I want to do more. I want to work with orphans & teenagers again. I'm a Christian. I have a lot of tattoos. I like art therefore I want to be art. I love people. I started writing years ago when I was a kid. I think at the time it was an outlet for me; I found escape in my word & the worlds I created. Eventually I just started to like creating stuff & that's when I started sharing it with other people. Now I think I write every day. I want to do NaNoWrMo this year. I'm also learning how to knit. I think I'm on my way to being an eccentric old woman who runs around the world doing silly cazy things and knitting while she does them. Be on your guard I have knitting needles!

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