P e r s o n a l B l o g/T w i t t e r . : : . W r i t i n g B l o g/T w i t t e r

Pseudo Loneliness?

I spent the entire weekend around people.  Saturday I did family things all day long.  Sunday I went shopping.  I was around people.  I was with family and friends and I had a great time.

Today I'm having social withdrawl.

While sitting at work I started throwing myself a little lonely person pity party.  After an exchange with an old college friend I was feeling a little blue, and truth be told a little jealous of how their life has turned out.  I'm in my mid-20's, single, not working in a field I am educated in, and lets face it: I'm different.

I started in on the whole, no-one-gets-me, blues.  Truth is almost everyone wants to be feel some human connection.  We want to know and be known.  Why do you think social media is so popular?  It lets us connect with people when we may not be able to overcome social phobias or shyness.

The truth is that we all think we're special.  We think we're the only ones who feel disconnected or alone or [insert state of being here].  The truth is that we all feel those things.  I do.  You do.  Your neighbor probably does as well. 

How do you solve or combat this feeling of loneliness or feeling like you don't belong?  Reach out to someone and connect.  People don't know you need them unless you let them know.  I do my best as a friend to reach out when I can, but I'm one person.

The Walking Dead

I rewatched The Walking Dead series this last week.  Based off of a graphic novel series, there's an established following for the show as well as lots of material for future TV episodes.  The first 'season' was only six episodes long.  It begins in a fashion like 28 Days Later, the main character waking up from a coma in the middle of a zombie infested world with no idea how things got this far.

There is a lot of really awesome conflict going on in this series.  One of the things I love about zombie stories is that they aren't afraid to dig in and explore the darker side of human nature.  People do some very bad things at times.  How far are you willing to go to protect your family or the people important to you?  The series covers a lot of ground in six episodes.  In a lot of ways I thought it covered too much ground and left too many things open since there wasn't a guarantee of a second season.

I just read that there will be a second season, which I'm excited about.  Hopefully the 13 episode season does more than the first season did.  It was awesome, but here's hoping it's better.

New Season of Dr Who

The new season of Dr Who started last night.  Since I don't get BBC America I bought the iTunes season pass.  It's handy, but the iTunes playback kind of sucks.  I can't wait to get it on instant play via Netflix to watch without the hiccuping video feed.  The audio at least was fine.  I then discovered that my version was playing the HD video back.  I switched to the standard and it worked MUCH better, so I rewatched the premier.

Now I will talk about the new episodes and this is littered with spoilers.

I know that it took me a long time to warm up to the new Doctor, and I'm still not a huge fan of Amy Pond or Dr. Riversong, but I love Rory.  The new season started off with a kick though!  Anything that starts off with the death of the main character is a pretty risky start.  We know that somewhere along the season we'll learn why the Doctor had to die.  It's a pretty big dose of expectation in my oppinion.

Anyone else catch Dr. Riversong's allusion to her own death?  I'm not a fan of her character.  I don't like her, and in many ways I doubt I'll ever see any of the Doctor's having a romantic arc with anyone but Rose as okay.  It's silly, but that's how I see it. 

What I really liked are the new alien creatures.  Very Men in Black kind of feel in the vein of the angels.  With the angels you couldn't blink, with these MIB creatures if you look anywhere but at them you'll forget they even exist.

Yes, I'm rambling and I'm okay with that.  All in all, I'm excited about where this season is going!

Detox makes me cranky.


Today was the first real day of the detox.  It's also been over 24 hours since I've had real sugar.  Unfortunately because of those two things I have splurged on an extra Dr Pepper.  Can't be perfect, right?  The detox will last about two weeks.  The problem I'm having right now is that it's making me hungry.

Today was also Dentist Day.  I'm not sure if it's just what the poking does to me, but I seem to always get a migraine after going there.

In completely unrelated news, I bought a pink shirt. I'm a little nervous about this. I haven't worn pink in ages.

Shopping Mis-adventures

I didn't blog about this, partly because it was a little embarrassing and I didn't feel like it at the time.  Several weeks, maybe a month or two ago, both of my f-a-v-o-r-i-t-e pair of jeans ripped.  I'd owned them for two years, they were wearing really thin, and for $20 jeans from Target they had served me well.  Desperate for jeans for something going on that weekend, I ran into Target, found my size and my *'fit' - and bought them.  Ran home, pulled them on... and panicked.

Yes, I knew I'd lost a little weight. 

Just a little. 

Not enough to give me dreams of being teeny tiny, but enough to make a girl look in the mirror and think, Oh I can do this!

But there was no way I'd lost enough weight to make these jeans literally drop off of my hips.  In the end I had to actually roll the jeans so that they were tight enough to not slip down.  I haven't gone to buy more jeans because 1) lazy, 2) I'd kinda hoped to drop a few more pounds and celebrate with nicely fitting jeans.

I'd kinda decided this last week that my jean situation was redonkulous and I just needed to go shell out $25 for a pair of jeans that don't threaten to expose me.  I'll spare you the shopping play by play, but for kicks I went and grabbed different sizes and fits of jeans.  I compared the exact same size of what I was looking at to what I was wearing.  I should have taken a picture.  There were four inches of difference.  My X size jeans have to have been mis-marked by about four sizes.

Anyways, Target is my weak spot for shopping right now.  I'm addicted to their 'boyfriend' cut shirts, super soft t's in tons of colors.

In other news, I bought some artificial sugar today in the hopes of substituting it in my tea.  I'm sure I'll have a product review or rant later.  Now, off to dye my hair 5th Element Red!

*Target has an amazing system of fits, 1 through 6, that allows you to chose super low waist to natural waist, straight through the thighs or curvy to get the 'just right' fit for you.  Really the system is awesome.

yes, I know about roller derby

In the last week I've had no fewer than six people contact me about roller derby.  A vendor from work came by my office to give me a magazine that featured local roller derby.  Several repeat clients have commented about the leagues moving around, and a few people I talk to occasionally.

Is this the world telling me something?


another tattoo

This last week was almost a comedy of mishaps between my friend and I trying to hit up a certain tattoo shop when they were open.  Both of us hate calling and talking on the phone, so the logical course of action hasn't happened - yet.

I was surprised that I still feel anxious, or maybe it's just nerves, when a new tattoo is imminent.

It's probably something like an addiction.  Part of the ink of a tattoo is a certain kind of oil.  That oil does eventually seep into the bloodstream and if you get tattooed enough you do have a mild addiction.  It's what causes that euphoria when you step into a tattoo shop, when you just want another tattoo.  I seem to do okay with it.  If I go into a shop, heck yes I want another one, but I don't have to have it.

Right now my time table is every two to three years I get more.  May will be my two years, so it makes sense that I'm starting to think about adding to my collection.  I really want to do my left arm, but it's going to cost somewhere around $500 and I don't have those resources right now because I have to buy new tires soon, contacts in a few months, the inspection on the Jeep - ug!  It adds up, this whole being an adult thing.

Anyways, I'm going to push my friend and look into making plans sometime either this month or next.  Tattoos aren't something you should rush.  And now, I'm off to write and be writerly.  I think, that if I ever sell a book, I'd get a tattoo to celebrate.

And now I want an anchor tattoo.

I've been emailing with an old friend and during the conversation we started discussing tattoos. Not an abnormal event, people often come to me to discuss these things and I normally don't mind. 

But a weird thing happened during this conversation.

While it wasn't a direct result of what was being said, I had this thought in my head that I was sorry I'd ever gotten a tattoo.

What. The. Heck?

Long ago, when I first fell in love with the first in a long line of tattoo'd rock stars, I decided that when I got tattoo'd, because I would, mine would mean something.  They would be personal, and a part of me.  I've always loved my tattoos, I've never minded the attention, and except for one instance* I've never allowed people to make me feel less for simply having rainbow colored skin.

Something's happened recently that has made me feel self conscious about my skin.  Probably some of it has to do with my weight, which I'm working on, but another part of it I think is that I'm now the black sheep.  Before, there were always people around me with tattoos.  When I did audio, there were tons of people with tattoos.  When I was in derby, the minority went without them.  But now, most of the people I'm around have naked skin.  There's nothing wrong with this!  I'm just wondering if it's effected my personal outlook on myself.

After some introspective time, I've come to the conclusion that I still like my tattoos.  Yes, my life would be easier were my skin not inked.  I wouldn't crave a tattoo.  I wouldn't have to bother with covering them up for certain occasions.  In general, life is easier without them.  But they're part of who I am, and my friends, people who love me, etc accept them and me.

During conversations, another point was brought up.  I haven't dated recently - at all.  I got fed up after a few bad dates and haven't paid attention to the opposite sex.  My tattoos play a part in who I date.  Not going to lie, a lot of guys will say a girl with tattoos is hot, but secretly we intimidate them.  I'm a strong personality, and I know dating me is hard.  I'm me and no matter how much I like someone, there are just parts of me that won't change.  The kind of guys that would put up with me are few and far between, and they're weeded out a lot of times by the tattoos.

I still plan on doing my left arm and finishing my back.  Someday I'd like to find someone who loves me and my tattoos.  I will always caution people who want to get tattoos to think seriously about them before.  Most people end up regretting their tattoos.  Some day I might regret mine.  Today isn't that day.  Mostly I'm writing this to say that sometimes, you have to find yourself again.

*The one instance when someone made me actually feel crappy for having tattoos was when a complete stranger walked up to me and said, "Oh my, why would you ever get tattoos?  You'll never be a beautiful bride."

Planning Paris

I'm beginning to compile a list of places I want to visit when I go to Paris.  I'm still a little overwhelmed at the idea of coordinating everything on my own and the idea of being alone is starting to really sink in - but I'm still excited.  So here's a quick rundown of the places I want to visit:
  • Catacombs - The underground passageways where the bodies of the dead were interred when the cemeteries began to overflow.
  • The Louvre - Art. I'll probably devote an entire day just to this.
  • Cathedrals: Sainte-Chapelle, Englise de la Madeleine, Notre-Dame - When I visited Russia my favorite places were always the cathedrals.  I'd love to find a cathedral tour of Paris and spend a whole day going from cathedral to cathedral.
  • Castles/Chateaus: Versailles, Vincennes Chateau, Champs-sur-Marne Chateau, Chateau de Maisons-Laffitte - If I'm going to Paris, I should see a castle or a palace or something, right?  These are all within the Paris 'area', and if I take a train I can go see even more, but there are only so many opulent castle like places I think I can see.
  • The Paris Opera - I doubt I'll see anything at the opera, but I'd still like to see the building, which is supposed to be fab.
  • Arc de Triomphe - The famous arch, also the place of the Unknown Soldier.
  • Basilica de Sacre Coeur - I'm not 100% sure what it is, but it's big and pretty and touted as a must see place so I'll probably do an evening tour of it one day.
I actually don't care a whole lot about seeing the Eiffle Tower.  I'd be happy walking past it and snapping a few pictures.

And I'd like to just go shopping some.  Find a little open air souvenir market and shop for chintzy stuff I don't need!

The actual PBP Ride takes place from the 21st to the 25th.  This means that my mother and I will have four days prior to the race I think to sight see together and do things with the cycling group.  The 21st will be all about the evening start, so we'll probably stick close to the area and rest.  I would imagine that if I can get a wifi signal I will be online and blogging and uploading pictures.  From the 22nd to the 25th I'm on my own.  During those days I'll be doing most of the above.  My mom's not much for sight seeing so what I want to see I'd better see while she's cycling her buns off!  The 26th my mom will most likely be catatonic so I'll probably stick close to her.  We'll then have two days to sight see and recover from the race.  We've discussed going down to Normandy beach, so we'll see how that goes.

[Edit: Below are places people have suggested that I'm adding.]


I remember the first time I had heartburn acutely.

I was living alone for the first time, and playing roller derby.  I remember waking up in the middle of the night with a painful, firelike feeling in my chest that was not passion, ardor or anything pleasant.  It hurt.  A lot.  I thought I might be in serious trouble.  Maybe I'd fallen wrong and had one of those injuries that take a while to pop up.  It was the early hours of the morning and while I was in physical pain, it wasn't unbearable.  I decided to google my symptoms and see if I could self-diagnose to either decide if I merited an emergency room visit or if I could wait and make an appointment.

After reading and rereading I decided I might have heartburn.  Since my dad pops antacids like candy, my mom had stocked my medicine cabinet to supply a small drug cartel I dug out some antacids, chewed the chalky pills and sat on my couch watching Bravo until - the pain went away.

Traumatized, I dreaded having heartburn ever again.

I'm sharing this memory because I woke up Sunday morning with heartburn.  I thought I was sick to my stomach.  I thought I was about to throw up, except I also felt like someone was driving a hot poker through my chest.  I decided I might have heartburn.  So again I relied on those antacids my mother stocked me with - and after a few minutes checking twitter I was ready to go back to bed.

So there's a funny story for you.  Now I'm going to schedule this and go to bed!

About Me

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Grew up traveling to rodeos with my parents. I've gone across the world thanks to my gypsie feet. I feel sometimes like I've done everything & nothing. I've played roller derby, traveled parts of the world, have four degrees. I've done some things most people will never do in their lives & still I want to do more. I want to work with orphans & teenagers again. I'm a Christian. I have a lot of tattoos. I like art therefore I want to be art. I love people. I started writing years ago when I was a kid. I think at the time it was an outlet for me; I found escape in my word & the worlds I created. Eventually I just started to like creating stuff & that's when I started sharing it with other people. Now I think I write every day. I want to do NaNoWrMo this year. I'm also learning how to knit. I think I'm on my way to being an eccentric old woman who runs around the world doing silly cazy things and knitting while she does them. Be on your guard I have knitting needles!

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