So after Armadillo*Con and an impressive book release day today, I really need to think about more space for my books.  I have a very large entertainment center that I got because I liked the way it looked, the style was something I really thought was nifty and there were matching bookcases.  I haven't put books on the entertainment center.  However, with the rate of my buying right now, I need more shelf space so I'm hoping to take some time during my staycation to do some serious organization.

That, and I think I'm going to get rid of my physical cd's.  I can't remember the last time I bought one or changed out the discs in my CD player.  I don't even listen to them.  They're just in there.  Doing that will give me three cubbies, combining my Wii stuff will give me one, getting rid of the VHS tapes I can't watch anyways will give me two.  Putting knicknack stuff in other places will give me two.  So, as you can see, that will add up!  And, I want to take my photo albums out of the shelves and put the "office" suppies somewhere else as well as the random compilation of binders. 

Other random things I plan on doing during my staycation?  Um.....  Write.  Read.  Clean up my bedroom as usual.  Clean the patio.  But mostly read and write.  I know, thrillingly exciting, huh?

In other news, I posted a recap of Armadillo*Con on my writers blog, and uploaded pictures to Facebook.  I need to Flickr them, but I'm going to bed early tonight.  Or, I'm going to bed early if I can after having read a quarter of Married with Zombies.  I love zombie books, but they do horrible things to my over-active imagination!

Today I was glancing through a friends Facebook pictures; not always an enjoyable experience when you turn up in them as the 14 yr old version of yourself, lol.  No, I'm not linking.  And it got me thinking about how I've always felt a little obtuse or abnormal in a group of people.

Tons of people go out of their way to dress or act in a way that attracts attention because they want it or they need it to compensate for something.  There was a short time in and around Jr High when I did that, but it was just too much work, and I went back to being - me.  I don't know what it is about just being myself, but I always seem to be the odd one out. 

I'm loud and opinionated.  That makes me stick out a lot of the time.  I like and have tattoos; that gets me all sorts of attention - but I didn't get the tattoos for attention.  I got them because I wanted them.  Do they make me look kinda bad ass?  Well, yeah.  Suz said last week that if the hotel was mean to us she'd sick me on them because I'm scary and have tattoos, lol.

But what I'm talking about is that I've always been sort of the odd one out.  It's just who I am.  I remember in high school really badly just wanting to fit in somewhere, even if it was with the odd kids, I just wanted people who liked me.  Maybe if I could change who I was I could have, but I've never once considered being anything but what I am.  I've always liked me, with my oddities and quirks, I've never once thought that the way I am naturally - loud, obnoxious, tattooed, creative - was something that needed to change or was abnormal.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say, I guess I'm just articulating observations about myself.  I'm aware that I stick out like a sore thumb.  No, I don't do it intentionally.  Yes, this is who I really am.  It's too much of an effort to hide behind a fancy facade; I'm l-a-z-y.

So that's it.  Be who you are because it's what's most truthful.  Yes, it's nice to fit in sometimes, but at what cost?

So this was the tax free weekend here in Texas.  As in, the one weekend where you're totally okay spending way too much money because that 5% or whatever sales tax usually is, isn't there!  While it was a little crazy dodging people and finding the right size, I was sad that there weren't more people out shopping.  I know the economy is on a slow crawl up hill, but I'd hoped that there would be more people out taking advantage of the weekend and showing that the economy isn't all that bad.

Oh well.  It didn't stop me from having a good time.

To get the day started off 'right' I got my hair done.  I'd been holding off so that it was right before the conference.  It's not that much different from how I had it cut last time, I just had blonde and some splashes of red added.  You'd think with how little hair I have that it wouldn't take that long to do, right?  Um, wrong.  I was in the stylists chair from 9am until about 2:30pm.  That's a lot of fussing over my hair!!  We did the blonde, and then decided there wasn't enough of it and did a second round of bleach foils.  The red didn't come out with as much of a *pop* as we'd hoped.  But all in all it looks really good.  And the stylist had a great time figuring out how to do a fauxhawk since I said she could.  Will I be sporting the fauxhawk?  Probably not very often, but it was a fun style.

That said, it was off for shopping with Suzan and The Monsters!  It was a lot of fun; we hit up Old Navy, the Mall and Kohls and did some serious money damage.  The boys were fun, and bless their hearts they put up with us an awful lot!  I got two complete outfits which I'll be sporting at the conference next weekend and a few other pieces that will be good for work.  I really like shopping....

And just to prove how hardcore of a shopper I can be, I shopped until my foot literally bled!  LoL, something got in my shoe and I have a little cut on the very bottom, on the inner part of the ball of my foot so I've been walking softly all day.

The rest of the week will be spent taking care of work stuff and prepping for the weekend.  I'm getting my nails done on Tuesday and will be stressing over choreography for dance class I still don't know all that well and convincing myself to do laundry - again - before we go.  :D

So last year sometime I did the Strengths Finder 2.0 exam.  If you're unfamiliar with the book, it's the culmination of a decades worth of study on positive traits.  We have so many ways to describe what we cannot do well and how people are in a negative light; there's not anywhere near as much emphasis put on what we can do well, or where we excell.  It's an interesting book; you must purchase it new, the access code in the back is good for only one exam, and you must take the exam in one sitting.  It's timed, and there is no Go Back option.

One of my top five qualities was positivity.

Yesterday was really hard for me.  I'm hard on myself because who else will be?  I went to bed bummed out and feeling depressed.  Now, today isn't all sunshine and roses, but I made the choice this morning to attempt to be happier, to attempt to not allow my mistakes to drag me down into a bog.  I'm still bummed out about my short comings, but I'm much happier than I was yesterday - because I chose to be.  My problems haven't been solved, and right now I don't think they will be for another day or two, but I can't controll everything.

I can control how I react.  I can control how I conduct myself.  I can control my choices.  And I chose to make the attempt at having a good day, and find joy in the small things.  Like Dr Pepper and the zombie book Suzan pointed out to me that will be out in a few weeks.  Bonus points because it looks fan-frikken-hilarious.

Today has just been one crappy thing after the other.  But because it's mostly involving Things I Don't Blog About and my dad's health, there's really no point in blogging about it - other than I want to tell you, I want to be in a snit.  I really do.  All of the issues of today can't be pointed at just one person, it's a lot of that, 'none of us were paying attention like we should' and things fell through the crack and you know me; if it's not perfect, if I messed up, I'm crushed. 

I wish I could just brush off the mistakes; yes, we all make them but when I make them I often feel as if it is the end of the world.  I try to not act out after a mistake, I try to rein in my, 'woe is me! doom! doom! doom!', faze and move on with it.  But just because I don't act that way doesn't mean I don't feel it.  So the latter half of tonight has been me kicking myself while I'm down, pointing out everything I really could do better if I would just open my eyes and try a bit more. 

No, I am not perfect. 
Yes, I tend towards lazy. 
No, it is not the end of the world. 
Yes, I wish the ground would open up and swallow me now for my lack of perfection.

And then I talked to my mom.  We both got to complain to each other, and wonderful mother that she is, she wholeheartedly tries to make everything better.  I need to be a better daughter and call more often, but when I do call I learn everything my dad won't tell me about his health and then I recall why we haven't talked as much recently and of course my mom has to start in on my weight.  Because ya know what?  I'm fat.  And no man will love a fat girl, and I will feel better about myself skinny.  Sheesh.  I love, love, love my mom, but skinniness does not equate happiness.  Explaining that to her was a run on the never ending wheel of, 'yeah but-'.  I would do better to go unloved by another human being than have that love hinged on my waistline.

Anyways, I think I should shower, curl up in bed with Face Off and sleep this out.  Tomorrow will be a better day.  It's Thursday after all, and that means #writersdatenight!

i think my teen years would have gone a lot better if i would have realized at that point in time my love of lists.  lists - as i discovered in college - are the best thing to motivate me.  take today for example, i got up, utterly listless (double note - the lack of capitalization. that would require far too much effort for today).  i would have been completely happy turning on movies and vegging all. day. long.  can i afford that kind of laziness?  no.  so last night i made a brainstorm list of the things i really should get done.  i got up today, looked my laziness in the face - and made The Uber List. 

for someone like me who is goal oriented, lists work like artificial motivation.  i want that sense of accomplishment crossing something off the list gives me.  do i feel like doing all that stuff? uh - no friggen way.  but i need to continue to catalog my books, figure out what i'm reading and what i have.  i need to clean my apartment.  i need to realize that i need to not buy any yarn until i've used what i currently own.

but yes, i use my tumblr account strictly for my love of lists.  i make them every day, and sometimes several a day.  that's one reason why i went digital; i used to write everything down on scraps of paper, and then they would get lost or i would forget to throw them away and i would have a ball of paper in the washing machine.  the tumblr website is awesome because i can get it to work on my cell phone.  great for shopping lists!  they are the secret behind much of my success.  there.  now you know.

Really.  I'm not kidding.

I willingly went to this movie.  Even though I don't like Michael Cera; he's sort of like Reeves, who just plays himself in a movie.  But - I was hopeful.  What I'd heard from the geek crew sounded like fun; fighting the league of evil x's for the girl of his dreams?  Sounds dreamy, right?

Except that Scott Pilgrim is just another rather spineless jerk.  He cheats on his girlfriend.  He doesn't have the nerve to just break up with the fore mentioned girlfriend even though he's making progress with the girl from his dreams (hereafter referred to as gfhd).  The fights with the evil x's were awesome, though at one point I swear I was watching an episode of Double Dragon.  Come on, you remember that right?  The evil fighting karate twins with the power of the dragon?  Yeah. 

Gthd wasn't without her own issues, but at least she was upfront and all - "I have issues."  "I'm leaving you for that dude."  "Okay, so I'm a bitch."

The supporting characters were what rocked.  The gay roommate and the drummer girl were my favorites.

Rent it.  Unless you're a fan of the comics or something, but don't go expecting it to be *jazz hands* Awesome!  *end jazz hands*  It had potential - had he not been so spineless.  The premise was cool, but the execution just... sucked.

I keep three calendars.  One is a moleskin monthly calendar that I carry with me.  Snapshop of the whole month, it gets pretty crowded and technicolor what with all of the highlighter and colored ink.  I have two on my desk at work.  One is a month view that I scribble work stuff down on and will notate personal stuff that's going on.  Why?  Because if something happens to me there's a physical copy of what my plans are lying around somewhere that's not my home.  The last calendar is a new addition and I keep it at work because it's just easy.  It's a week view calendar that I rip the top sheet off every Monday and figure out my week.

This morning before work I realized that I have only one 'social engagement' that is not writing related this coming week.  This is good.  I'm coming down to three weeks before Armadillo*Con, this writing convention in Austin.  I'm accepting that I probably will not be able to go to the DFW Writer's Convention this year because they raised the cost.  I don't really understand the hike to $300.  It's a rough economy and asking more money from people who probably won't break even on what they spend to write any time soon seems like a silly idea.  Publishing is hard right now.  The Convention sold out last year - probably because it was so affordable.  Anyways, since the DFW Con is pretty much out, I need Armadillo*Con to count.  Means, I need to have as much on the table as possible.

What I have yet to say is that I'm going to be very unsocial in the coming weeks so that I can recoup on the writing time I've lost from spending so much hanging out with people.  Yes, I adore my friends and I like doing stuff with them but I want to do well in Austin since it's just that much more important for me.

DFW Con isn't 100% out, but with it costing that much more, and earlier in the year it's harder to make happen.  Last year it was late Spring so you had time after Christmas to take a breath and then pinch for the con cost.  This year it's more expensive and in February.  I think I paid $185 last year.  It's almost $300 this year.  That really sucks because there were a lot of agents and authors scheduled to be there I wanted to meet, but that's the way the cookie crumbles.  Maybe the next year, huh?

The big point is that I'm going to be less social, more writerly.  At least until the end of August!

So once upon a time someone told me that if you talk about the dark things in your life it makes it easier to deal with them.  Not sure if that's true, but I'm going to blog about my silly, irrational fears.

Ready to laugh at me?  Good.  Because don't you dare do it to my face!  Okay, you probably could but I'd feel silly and probably say something dumb.

The thing that's always been hard for me to do is going to sleep.  Why?  Because growing up traveling I shared a bed with my mother.  That was security.  I knew that if anything happened she was right there and could protect me.  When she stopped performing and we had a 'normal' life we lived in a log cabin in the middle of nowhere.  Do you have any idea how freaky that is when your imagination runs wild?  I have always needed an hour to talk myself into sleeping.  It's gotten worse living alone because I lay in bed and watch the way the shadows play on the windows for a while until I'm satisfied they're normal.  I'll lay a certain way for a while and make sure the light from my laptop screen isn't messed up - as in, no one's come out of the washer closet and is creeping around my apartment.  Then there's the really irrational things that my mind processes before I go to sleep; like things that could be in my closet or have been crammed under my very low bed.

Are these things irrational?  Yes.  I know they are.  It makes no sense for someone to break into my apartment.  I live surrounded by people, there's not much of a reason to break into my apartment unless you want at my books.

Also, I think part of the reason I have the irrational fear of someone being outside of my bedroom window is that it's happened before.  When I was in high school, a person who will not be named (if you knew me in high school he was a plague on us all and I'm soooo sorry), wrote me lots of dark poetry.  He was one of those types that no one wants to be friends with, he made the choice to be a sort of pained soul.  I took pity on him and tried to be a friend because people didn't want anything to do with him.  He told me he loved me,  but I wouldn't date him because while part of him was dark and mysterious high school boy sexy, he was also 100% bad news and part of me knew it.  One morning I woke up and somehow he'd gotten hold of a car and drove out to my house.  On the outside of my bedroom window were like 100 yellow sticky notes with "I Love You" written on everyone.  I remember running outside in shorts and barefoot to rip them off before my parents saw.  There was also a poem involved but I forget where it was. 

This is a caviate, but I think that all my worst stories with guys involve one I tried to help because they were that stereotype loner.  The one no one wanted to be friends with because they were too weird or too this or too that.  The guy above, the guy who beat me up... yeah, that whole thing where people tell you to be friends with the loners because they need friends too?  Total lies.  They could have friends if they wanted to! (Note: I don't mean that whole don't-be-friends-with-them-thing.  There are people who are just shy or need to be understood, just be careful.  Broken noses are not fun.)

And no, I am not afraid of guys.  Am I slow to trust?  Yes.

So now it's time for my latest, really irrational fear.  Cockroaches.  Cockroaches everywhere.  It's a recent thing, like one year ago when I moved into this apartment and there was that one on my pillow.  I've never had an issue with bugs.  Heck, I ate crickets in Thailand!  But every time there is another one in my apartment the more my skin crawls at the sight of them.  First thing I do when I wake up and shamble out of my bedroom?  I flip on the lights for my kitchen and dining area and take a good, long hard look around to see if there's a culprit.  I have this image of cockroaches crawling in the cups I drink out of.  It freaks me out.

Okay, that's all I can think of for now.  If I can think of any other self-deprecating stories I'll share later!

So we got some sad news this week.  The biggest indi bookstore in the DFW area is closing down.  They opened when the recession was just hitting and have held out for eighteen glorious months.  It's a super cool place and I wish I could share it with everyone.  I'm going to miss them.  Hopefully all of the authors who supported the bookstore find other boolalicious homes for their signings and events and stuff.

As usual I'm staying plenty busy!

This last weekend I went to my best friends, little sisters wedding in Oklahoma - I just wished someone would have told me where in Oklahoma it was before we started driving.  We assumed the wedding was in Oklahoma City - but in actuality it was in Ada, Oklahoma.  Yeah.  Making that U-Turn was not fun.  The wedding was very pretty and the couple were very happy.  I also got to see the fore mentioned best friend and her family and that's always special.  I road-tripped it with an old college friend, lots of fun talking about school, our lives now - and books!

Sunday was the official Book Addicts kick off, so several of us went over to Suz's house and camped out to write all day.  I learned something very important about myself.  Sitting at a kitchen table I will stare at the cursor mocking me and maybe dredge out 500 or 1,000 words.  If I move to the couch - BAM - thousands of words!  Yeah, after learning that I parked it across the room on the couch and pounded out words; lots of words.  It's a little disheartening because the weekends are turning into my writing time; I'm getting so busy on the weekdays it's almost impossible.

Like Monday - I did do revisions, but I also had to balance cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning, and everything else I missed out on doing this weekend because I just wasn't at home!  Tuesday was the book club up at Legacy and that's always a full evening of shopping and talking.  Wednesday I had an accident and didn't go to dance class, but I still had stuff to do for people! 

Tonight is supposed to be Harem Night; I'm thinking I'm not going to go because my weekend is already full and I need time at home to clean and knit and wash clothes and do stuff for meeeeeeee.

Friday we're going up to Legacy probably to say our goodbye to the store and attend the Rachel Caine book signing.  Saturday is dance class and I got roped into going to my friend's cooking demonstration class, and I might possibly have a movie outing if we get out early enough.  Sunday we're discussing another possible writing day... And then it starts over again!  @__@  I need a vacation from my life, lol.

i wanted to blog tonight - but nothing went according to plan tonight.