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irrational fears

So once upon a time someone told me that if you talk about the dark things in your life it makes it easier to deal with them.  Not sure if that's true, but I'm going to blog about my silly, irrational fears.

Ready to laugh at me?  Good.  Because don't you dare do it to my face!  Okay, you probably could but I'd feel silly and probably say something dumb.

The thing that's always been hard for me to do is going to sleep.  Why?  Because growing up traveling I shared a bed with my mother.  That was security.  I knew that if anything happened she was right there and could protect me.  When she stopped performing and we had a 'normal' life we lived in a log cabin in the middle of nowhere.  Do you have any idea how freaky that is when your imagination runs wild?  I have always needed an hour to talk myself into sleeping.  It's gotten worse living alone because I lay in bed and watch the way the shadows play on the windows for a while until I'm satisfied they're normal.  I'll lay a certain way for a while and make sure the light from my laptop screen isn't messed up - as in, no one's come out of the washer closet and is creeping around my apartment.  Then there's the really irrational things that my mind processes before I go to sleep; like things that could be in my closet or have been crammed under my very low bed.

Are these things irrational?  Yes.  I know they are.  It makes no sense for someone to break into my apartment.  I live surrounded by people, there's not much of a reason to break into my apartment unless you want at my books.

Also, I think part of the reason I have the irrational fear of someone being outside of my bedroom window is that it's happened before.  When I was in high school, a person who will not be named (if you knew me in high school he was a plague on us all and I'm soooo sorry), wrote me lots of dark poetry.  He was one of those types that no one wants to be friends with, he made the choice to be a sort of pained soul.  I took pity on him and tried to be a friend because people didn't want anything to do with him.  He told me he loved me,  but I wouldn't date him because while part of him was dark and mysterious high school boy sexy, he was also 100% bad news and part of me knew it.  One morning I woke up and somehow he'd gotten hold of a car and drove out to my house.  On the outside of my bedroom window were like 100 yellow sticky notes with "I Love You" written on everyone.  I remember running outside in shorts and barefoot to rip them off before my parents saw.  There was also a poem involved but I forget where it was. 

This is a caviate, but I think that all my worst stories with guys involve one I tried to help because they were that stereotype loner.  The one no one wanted to be friends with because they were too weird or too this or too that.  The guy above, the guy who beat me up... yeah, that whole thing where people tell you to be friends with the loners because they need friends too?  Total lies.  They could have friends if they wanted to! (Note: I don't mean that whole don't-be-friends-with-them-thing.  There are people who are just shy or need to be understood, just be careful.  Broken noses are not fun.)

And no, I am not afraid of guys.  Am I slow to trust?  Yes.

So now it's time for my latest, really irrational fear.  Cockroaches.  Cockroaches everywhere.  It's a recent thing, like one year ago when I moved into this apartment and there was that one on my pillow.  I've never had an issue with bugs.  Heck, I ate crickets in Thailand!  But every time there is another one in my apartment the more my skin crawls at the sight of them.  First thing I do when I wake up and shamble out of my bedroom?  I flip on the lights for my kitchen and dining area and take a good, long hard look around to see if there's a culprit.  I have this image of cockroaches crawling in the cups I drink out of.  It freaks me out.

Okay, that's all I can think of for now.  If I can think of any other self-deprecating stories I'll share later!

4 thoughts:

Alice said...

I totally understand your fears.

It takes me hours to fall asleep because I spend the minutes/hours before falling asleep peering down the hallway to make sure nothing is going to come get me. I could sleep with the door closed--but then I'm afraid I'll be trapped...so I leave it open. I know that makes no sense...esp when I have to sleep with the closet door CLOSED and all the drawers in my dresser CLOSED so things don't come out and get me.

I've also dealt with an abusive/pyscho stalker of a boyfriend too. This guy once called EVERY ROOM on my dorm floor because my cell was off. The only thing was, when he attempted to hit me, I hit back --- because I was on the wrestling team and I'd learn some damn good moves by being on it.

I think every one hates cockroaches. Except the people that study them and keep them as pets. My irrational bug fear? Butterflies.

zomg. I hate hate hate hate butterflies.

Flargh. I have the heebie jeebies now.

Cid said...

The weird thing is that when there's someone else in my apartment, I fall asleep instantly! It's stupid and weird and I lay in bed staring at my bedroom door. It's so silly, lol.

Yeah, the guy from Chicago I hit back. He might have busted my nose, but I did get my own hit in dang it! At least I can say that none of these were my actual boyfriend - just guys I was being nice to. I just like to date guys who cheat!

Anonymous said...

Cid,

When I use to live alone, it would take me forever to fall alseep for the same reason. Any sound or weird light coming in the window had me spooked.

I was also petrified when coming home alone late at night after work. I was always afraid that someone would be hiding out in one of the rooms.
I would always have to flip the light on realy fast before walking into the living room and than I would quickly go through my apartment turning on the lights in every room including my closet and bathroom to make sure that no one was there.
I think your fears are pretty normal. Especialy the one about cockroaches! I am afraid of them too!

Erinn said...

I have an irrational fear of bees. I've never been stung and Killer Bees were a big reason why I didn't take a job in Fort Worth Texas. I don't think it's at all cool that bees can fly, walk sting and bite. How am I supposed to protect myself from superior intellect? I think not.

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Grew up traveling to rodeos with my parents. I've gone across the world thanks to my gypsie feet. I feel sometimes like I've done everything & nothing. I've played roller derby, traveled parts of the world, have four degrees. I've done some things most people will never do in their lives & still I want to do more. I want to work with orphans & teenagers again. I'm a Christian. I have a lot of tattoos. I like art therefore I want to be art. I love people. I started writing years ago when I was a kid. I think at the time it was an outlet for me; I found escape in my word & the worlds I created. Eventually I just started to like creating stuff & that's when I started sharing it with other people. Now I think I write every day. I want to do NaNoWrMo this year. I'm also learning how to knit. I think I'm on my way to being an eccentric old woman who runs around the world doing silly cazy things and knitting while she does them. Be on your guard I have knitting needles!

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