I was driving Saturday when I had a very philisophical conversation with myself about beliefs and what I believe.

I've always been very forthcoming with what I believe; I'm a Christian, that's just how it is.  I'm probably more liberal than others, and much more accepting, but I believe in a God, a risen Savior and the presence of the Holy Spirit.  I'm not going to spoon feed you my kool-aid, and I respect the right to believe differently - but I don't shy away from talking about it - if it comes up.

So while driving I started thinking about beliefs in an arm's length kind of way.  Stepping back and looking at the trappings and rules - and you know what?  It's hard to believe in something.  I have faith because I just do, I can't explain my faith to someone who doesn't want faith, and that's difficult to deal with on the best of days.  It would be so much easier to believe that this life ends with your last breath, the last beat of your heart; you're time's up, you've had a great run of things - and now it's over.  Like the wind-up toy that no longer windes, you're done.  That would simply life so much; there wouldn't be any teetering on the precipice of right and wrong - there would just exsist a state of being, answerable to only yourself.

I've always needed rules or guidelines in my life.  I need to know where the line is because I've always struggled with balance in my life; I tend to throw myself into something and do too much of it, or consume all of it.  Books?  I read them in one sitting, and that's kind of how I treat a lot of things in my life.  I give myself over to it wholly, I want to read the finish line, have an end product, reap the rewards of having completed that task, etc.

I know I should be a 'better Christian'.  I don't go to church as much as I should.  The fact that it's hard for me to find a place where people don't stare at me and wonder what my real reason for being around is, or where people are friendly and open enough to let you into the click, or any number of other social situations.  It's not God in the church that keeps me out, it's the people.  That's a terrible mindset; we're Christians, we're not supposed to live solitary lives, but for me it's easier 'being on my own' than around others.  And that's not really a good mindset - but I also know that I'm playing with a specific hand of cards that you, my reader, probably don't know so don't judge me too harshly because you don't know the whole story.

And this leads me to the question - what makes a 'good' Christian?  I believe.  I try not to sin.  I'm not as good about reading my Bible or praying as I should be.  I'm not affraid to talk to people about what I believe, but I don't initiate that conversation very much (Okay, that's not true, I have the prophet Hosea tattoo'd on my arm and THAT gets a lot of attention and starts the conversation - so maybe I am guilty of starting the conversation....).  It would be easier for my off-balance life if I had a few simple guidelines to tell me when enough is enough, because I constantly feel like a failure because I'm not burning the candle at both ends where my faith and beliefs are concerned - and I don't know if that's a right or wrong sentiment.  I just don't know, and worrying about it makes me not want to even think about it - and then I wonder if believing in nothing at all would be better, but that's not true, because my beliefs are integral to who I am and are part of me.

I'm not looking for an answer, I'm just wanting to express this knot of thought inside my head; believing is harder that not believing at all, but without my beliefs I'm denied hope in something bigger and better than myself, so it's okay that things are a little hard sometime.  I'll figure out a balance, life will make sense, and maybe I'll realize that it's okay that I live in America, working a regular job, doing my own things - and not something more dedicated.  Sometimes I feel like a failure because I didn't try harder to be a missionary when working in a church became impossible, but I can't change the past and I can only move forward - and for now forward is right where I am headed.