This year Christmas was a little different for my family.  My dad had surgery a few weeks ago and wasn't up to making the trek up to my Grandmothers house for the traditional Christmas Eve celebrations.  So, the circus of Christmas 2010 started with due apprehension.

Cue Friday morning.

The plan was that my mom would come to my place, we would then take my Jeep up to my Grandmother's to exchange presents and have lunch with her; just the three of us.  Then we wold turn around and scurry home to spend Christmas Eve with my dad, Mamaw, sister and niece - the latter two were driving in and slated to arrive mid-afternoon.

This is what happened:

I sort of knew my mother was going to arrive between 10 & 11 am.  I wanted to get up earlyish and do some revisions; time is seriously running out on me people!  I woke up around 9:30, and called my mom to see where she was and how long I had to get ready.  Writing was out of the question.  She told me I had an hour; plenty of time to laze about for another ten minutes, luxuriate in a long shower, and then get down to the business of getting ready for the day and loading up presents.

Thirty minutes later I'm in the shower, I've just turned the water off and I hear my phone in the bedroom going off and someone knocking on my door.  I have this sinking feeling my mother has just played me.  I do not run to the door and throw it open - I'm more practical than that.  I check the phone - yes, 5 missed calls from my mother, and only then do I open the door.  By this point I know she's played me but I'm playing dumb because playing dumb is fun.  She claims she didn't realize how close she was - yeah right.  I get dressed and she says I need to come out and look at something on dad's truck.  Right.  Now I know I've been played.

So barefoot, and holding my makeup I go out to look at my dad's truck - and find the #1 present on my list this year.  It's a boxspring - excuse me - foundation for my bed.  I've been sleeping on just a mattress, which considering my Ikea bed means I'm sleeping about twelve inches off the floor. It's not a big deal, but I'd still like a boxspring, ya know?  So there is appropriate squealing and then figuring out how to get it into my room and situating my bed so now it has this awesome foundation on it.  I'm very happy with this.

Then once everything was loaded it was off to Grandma's in McKinney!  We spent about an hour up there, and then motored back to my place.  By this time it was raining cats and dogs; we passed about four or six wrecks on the way to my apartment alone.  It was crazy!

We made it back to my parent's place around 4, I barely beat my mom which was good since my dad had finally managed to find a dog that fit what my mom wanted and had it delivered.  His name is Matt and he's a Australian Sheppard.  My mom's old dog was a Boarder Collie/Australian Sheppard mix with a half black half white face - Matt has that same half and half face, but he's much smaller.

Christmas Eve was spent with the family, or at least most of it was.  My sister and niece haven't been to a Christmas with us in ages and my niece is now 16 after we had dinner - neither of us was very interested in hanging around and watching bad tv.  So I kidnapped my niece and we went to go see Prince Caspian!  That was cool.

Christmas Day started at 8am for me.  I hate 8am.  I'm still a little bitter that I had to get up at 8am.  But getting up at 8am was what happened!  The morning was pretty typical; breakfast, presents, everyone going their own way with their presents.  During this time Meka (my niece) and I stole the tv remote and turned on The Nightmare Before Christmas; I knitted and she crocheted.  It was nice. 

There was a big lunch, during which I ate hardly anything at all.  I'm not a big fan of traditional Christmas foods.  But I do love turkey legs!

The afternoon was spent playing Chickenfoot (a domino game) and then Monopoly.  I hate Monopoly, can I just say that?  It's a measure of how much I love my family that I played at all.  I did get an exit strategy plotted out when my best friend, Zibby, proposed a trip to the theater to see Tangled.  It was salvation.  Except - when I got home they wanted to pick back up where we left off.  Ug.  We played until I was really done - and then I drove home to sleep on my comfy new bed in peace and quiet.  I love my family, but I'm glad Christmas is over.  Next holiday please!

Not even going to lie.  Yesterday was a display in failure.  I decided against going grocery shopping on Sunday because someone gave me an unreleased book I just had to read the instant it hit my in-box (oh how I love my ereader!).  So that left me sans food for lunch and breakfast and pretty much dinner too.  So yesterday I had triscuits and a granola bar for lunch, the appetizer to the dinner I had to go buy at the grocery store was a sausage biscuit, but dinner was my prescribed plan fitting sandwich and my late night snack I shouldn't have had was apples.  Today I will be better!  Why?  Um, because I went grocery shopping, that's why.

Last night I *started* wrapping presents.  I hate wrapping.  I've decided that next year, everyone will be getting either one HUGE box with everything tossed in it, or I'm going to spend a small fortune on bags.  Wrapping is a pain in the butt when you have to sit on the floor and do it!  The things I wish I would have known before I bought a fashionably different dining set.  Ah well. 

Calorie / Fat Journal 
[1800 calories daily / 19 grams of fat per meal ]

Breakfast

• cinnamon roll oatmeal - 160 calories - 2 grams of fat
• Total: 160 calories - 2 grams of fat
• daily calories remaining: 1640

Lunch

• sandwich
• honey wheat bread - 140 calories - 1 gram of fat
• muenster cheese - 80 calories - 6 grams of fat 
• thin shaved salami - 111 calories - 9 grams of fat
• apple slices - 80 calories - 0 grams of fat
• Total: 411 calories - 16 grams of fat
• daily calories remaining: 1229

Snacks

• Dr Pepper - 150 calories
• Yogurt - 100 calories - unknown fat content
• daily calories remaining: 1079

Dinner

• sandwich
• honey wheat bread - 140 calories - 1 gram of fat
• muenster cheese - 80 calories - 6 grams of fat 
• thin shaved salami - 111 calories - 9 grams of fat
• Total: 411 calories - 16 grams of fat
• daily calories remaining:668

Calorie / Fat Journal 
[1800 calories daily / 19 grams of fat per meal ]

Breakfast

• cinnamon roll oatmeal - 160 calories - 2 grams of fat
• Total: 160 calories - 2 grams of fat
• daily calories remaining: 1640

Lunch

• sandwich
• honey wheat bread - 140 calories - 1 gram of fat
• muenster cheese - 80 calories - 6 grams of fat 
• thin shaved salami - 111 calories - 9 grams of fat
• apple slices - 80 calories - 0 grams of fat
• Total: 411 calories - 16 grams of fat
• daily calories remaining: 1229

Snacks

• Dr Pepper - 150 calories
• Apples - lots of them - 240 calories
• daily calories remaining:839

Dinner

• sandwich
• honey wheat bread - 140 calories - 1 gram of fat
• muenster cheese - 80 calories - 6 grams of fat 
• thin shaved salami - 111 calories - 9 grams of fat
• Total: 411 calories - 16 grams of fat
• daily calories remaining: 428

I have a radio alarm clock that goes off in the morning.  I don't usually really listen to it, it's just background noise but over the last week there's been this bit that has caught my attention, and not in a good way.  One of the DJs has gone to some length to propagate the rumor that he was involved in a rather high profile divorce.  I was shocked that the DJ was proud of this rumor he's encouraged.  Why would you want to be the source of someone's divorce?  I don't understand why this would be cool or encouraging or whatever.  I just don't get why this person would want to exploit someone elses pain.

The other thing that has happened on this particular radio show was a segment done about missed love connections, when you knew there was someone you should be with but aren't.  Everyone they talked to was married or in an established, long term relationship with feelings for someone else.  They discussed how to cheat, or if they person on the phone should break up their relationship or the one that the other person was in.

Why is it okay to break apart someone else's relationship?  I know right now I'm sensitive about this because someone who is like family is going through a tougher than shit kind of time.  I take stuff personally, I know but oh well. 

Okay, that's it.  I'm ticked about stupid stuff and yeah.  I'm off to go do Christmas stuff.

Today is going to be a sucktascular day for watching those calories/fat grams.  First, I'm out of appropriate breakfasty items - but I'm not really hungry anyways and it's almost lunch time.  Second, I'm going shopping for more presents and then there's a party tonight so I very much doubt I'll be in the know of everything I eat or drink.  But you know what?  Days like this are okay.  No one can keep to a strict regime every single day of their lives; it would get uber boring!  I'm going to try to keep track of at least how much I eat, make smart choices, and eat things in moderation.  I can always be good tomorrow.  :D

What I'm finding really helpful are the number of places that have their nutritional information up on websites.  I've been able to rule out going to Pot Belly's for my skinny Italian sandwich because 32 grams of fat?  Um, no! But! My favorite sandwich at Quiznoes is exactly in my plan.

Okay, the only thing that went 'right' Saturday as far as my eating habits went was Quiznos. 

Saturday
Calorie / Fat Journal 
[1800 calories daily / 19 grams of fat per meal ]

Breakfast

• Nothing
• daily calories remaining: 1800

Lunch

• Quiznoes Chicken Carbonara regular on wheat - 350 calories - 12 grams of fat
• daily calories remaining: 1450

Snacks

• Dr Pepper - 150 calories
• Pomegranate drink - 130 calories
• daily calories remaining:1170

Dinner

• snack foods @ Dakota's place - God only knows how many calories!
• 2 Dr Peppers - 300 calories
• Total: who knows? calories - who knows? grams of fat
• daily calories remaining:

 Sunday
Calorie / Fat Journal 
[1800 calories daily / 19 grams of fat per meal ]

Breakfast

• Nothing
• daily calories remaining: 1800

Lunch

• Frozen pizza -  calories - 20 grams of fat
  
• daily calories remaining:

Snacks

• Reeses Mini Peanut Butter Cups - 220 calories - 13 grams of fat
• daily calories remaining:1170
  

Dinner

• Frozen pizza - calories - 20 grams of fat
• Total: who knows? calories - who knows? grams of fat
• daily calories remaining:

OMG! Who else watches Dr Who?

((Note, if you haven't seen Dr Who or are not into season 5 right now, I'm not responsible for possible spoilers below.  <3  ))

Have you seen THE ANGEL episodes?  I'm just now watching season 5 and OMG!!  I made the mistake of watching Those Episodes right before I was planning on going to sleep.  Um, newp.  No sleeping happened.  I wound up watching like another hour of tv and knitting because it was too freaking creepy.  Who would ever have guessed that angel statues could be creeeeeeeepppppyyyyyyy?  It's amazing how something as innocent as statuary can now be defined as creepy.  I will never, ever look at an angel statue the same ever again.

I mean really, how could this pretty, poignant statue of a crying angel be scary?





When it looks at you like this!!



Okay. I'm done now.  Just wanted to say that ANGEL STATUES ARE CREEPY!!!!!

Okay, so today was a day about refusing temptation - and choosing wisely.  I could have had pizza for lunch.  PIZZA!  But I said no, I ate my sammitch for lunch.  I've taken to drinking my Dr Pepper in the middle of the afternoon, which has been working well.  Serves as kind of an afternoon pick-me-up. 

What I found mildly exciting this evening was that according to my scale I'm 4 pounds lighter than I was four days ago.  It's not something I'm going to hold onto.  I think that in a week if I'm still missing this 4 pounds then I'll accept it as fact.  Not until them really.

I did decide that since it's Friday night, and I've been such a 'good girl' I would indulge in some Chickfila.  The nuggets fit in fine with my plan, but it's the fries that just kill things.  I got the "small" combo and I'm drinking more water and tea than Dr Pepper.  It's all about making smart choices, right?

Next up - Dr Who and knitting!!!!!

Calorie / Fat Journal 
[1800 calories daily / 19 grams of fat per meal ]

Breakfast

• cinnamon roll oatmeal - 160 calories - 2 grams of fat
• Total: 160 calories - 2 grams of fat
• daily calories remaining: 1640

Lunch

• sandwich
• honey wheat bread - 140 calories - 1 gram of fat
• muenster cheese - 80 calories - 6 grams of fat 
• thin shaved salami - 111 calories - 9 grams of fat
• apple slices - 80 calories - 0 grams of fat
• Total: 411 calories - 16 grams of fat
• daily calories remaining: 1229

Snacks

• Dr Pepper - 150 calories
• daily calories remaining: 1079

Dinner

• chickfila 
• nuggets - 270 calories - 12 grams of fat
• waffle fries (small) - 290 calories - 16 grams of fat
• Total: 560 calories - 28 grams of fat
• daily calories remaining: 519

Is it too early to say that I'm proud of myself for lasting three full days?

Calorie / Fat Journal 
[1800 calories daily / 19 grams of fat per meal ]

Breakfast

• maple brown sugar oatmeal - 160 calories - 2 grams of fat
• Total: 160 calories - 2 grams of fat
• daily calories remaining: 1640

Lunch

• sandwich
• honey wheat bread - 140 calories - 1 gram of fat
• muenster cheese - 80 calories - 6 grams of fat 
• thin shaved salami - 111 calories - 9 grams of fat
• apple slices - 80 calories - 0 grams of fat
• Total: 411 calories - 16 grams of fat
• daily calories remaining: 1229

Snacks

• Dr Pepper - 150 calories
• daily calories remaining: 1079

Dinner

• sandwich
• chicken - 120 calories - 5 grams of fat
• muenster cheese - 80 calories - 6 grams of fat
• honey wheat bread - 140 calories - 1 gram of fat
• Total: 340 calories - 12 grams of fat
• daily calories remaining: 739 calories

Okay, so I uber failed this morning on remembering to take supplements.  I completely forgot.  But, the food eating is okay.  I'm hungry, like wow hungry, but lunch is in an hour and a half so, here's hoping I last that long!  :)

So far my biggest want is Dr Pepper.  It's almost 9pm and OMG I WANT A FRIGGEN DR PEPPER!  I might cave.

The thing that I have problems remembering is to take my supplements.  It's almost 9pm and I have yet to take one.  Ug.  Maybe I'll remember better tomorrow?

Good news, I did go to bellydancing class tonight!

Calorie / Fat Journal
[1800 calories daily / 19 grams of fat per meal ]

Breakfast

• maple brown sugar oatmeal - 160 calories - 2 grams of fat
• Total: 160 calories - 2 grams of fat
• daily calories remaining: 1640

Lunch

• sandwich
• honey wheat bread - 140 calories - 1 gram of fat
• muenster cheese - 80 calories - 6 grams of fat
• thin shaved salami - 111 calories - 9 grams of fat
• apple slices - 80 calories - 0 grams of fat
• Total: 411 calories - 16 grams of fat
• daily calories remaining: 1229

Snacks

• Triscuits - 65 calories - 3 grams of fat
• Dr Pepper - 150 calories
• daily calories remaining:  1014

Dinner

• sandwich
• chicken - 120 calories - 5 grams of fat
• muenster cheese - 80 calories - 6 grams of fat
• honey wheat bread - 140 calories - 1 gram of fat
• Total: 340 calories - 12 grams of fat
• daily calories remaining: 674 calories

First off, if me referring to this as my 'Fatty Journal' offends you, I apologize.  I don't mean to be offensive, but it helps me to handle difficult things by making light of them.  Thus, why this is my Fatty Journey.

This morning began with a well intentioned 6am alarm to get myself up and exercising for a bit before the day really began.  I failed.  Miserably.  I pressed snooze for an hour at least and then had to scramble to get ready and count out my calories.  Today I made the effort to dress 'cute'.  I've been feeling far from cute lately and I decided that I need to put the effort out there to dress up my appearance.  If I dress like I want to feel, it will make a difference, right?

So calorie counting.  I had a heartbreaking realization when I was figuring out my calorie/fat allowance.  My favorite winter breakfast item, the sausage biscuit, is way over my calorie/fat daily intake allowance.  By like, a lot!  I had a few moments to lament the loss.  Maybe on the weekends I'll do a little splurge and treat myself to one, but as a daily thing I have to drop it.  And then I had to juggle my lunch because based on my mealtime fat allowance I was over.  It was an easy fix; drop back to one piece of cheese from two, but it took actually looking at it.  Counting calories and fat grams, this is work.  This is going to be tough, but hopefully keeping myself accountable by blogging will help me remember to keep track.

Dr Pepper is one of my big weaknesses.  I'm going to try to cut back; I know that I can't quit drinking them, at least not cold turkey and I don't really want to.  Moderation is the key I think.  Maybe I'll try to relegate Dr Pepper to special reward status or something instead of a lunch time staple.

I'm updating this blog through the day.  Mostly it gives me a place to vent and worry and whine.  Like right now - for the last fifteen minutes I've been trying to figure out if I'm hungry, or if I just want to be hungry.  Being hungry would give me an excuse to go raid the kitchen, but I don't really think I'm hungry.  At least I don't really need to eat anything.  I think I just want an excuse to get away from my desk.

FYI I lasted until all of 2pm without a Dr Pepper.  Also, building Christmas party was too tempting to pass up.  I got a little square thinggy of cake and retreated to my ivory tower office without any more damage done.

Dinner was hard.  I wasn't hungry in the slightest, so I picked up my stuff and ran with it.  We had a book signing to attend tonight (tons of fun, book-addicts.com update to come!) and dinner didn't happen until around 10pm at IHOP.  I resisted the call of pancakes in favor of a 'smart choices' grilled chicken sandwich.  Go me.

Calorie / Fat Journal
[1800 calories daily / 19 grams of fat per meal ]

Breakfast

• maple brown sugar oatmeal - 160 calories - 2 grams of fat
• vanilla creamer x 2 - 60 calories - 3 grams of fat
• Total: 220 calories - 5 grams of fat
• daily calories remaining: 1580

Lunch

• sandwich
• honey wheat bread - 140 calories - 1 gram of fat
• muenster cheese - 80 calories - 6 grams of fat
• thin shaved salami - 111 calories - 9 grams of fat
• apple slices - 80 calories - 0 grams of fat
• Total: 411 calories - 16 grams of fat
• daily calories remaining: 1169

Snacks

• Dr Pepper - 150 calories
• Cake Square Thing - Assuming 100 calories
• Izzy - 90 calories
• daily calories remaining: 829 calories

Dinner

• chicken sandwich, IHOP - 600 calories 
• daily calories remaining:  229

Go me!

Recently I've come to realize how much weight I've gained in the last two years.  It's substantial.  Enough that I'm often just uncomfortable because of my weight.  So, tonight after stepping on the scale and having a few moments where I hyperventilated and freaked out, I decided that I needed to do something about this.  It's within my power to do stuff; I can change what I eat, make time to work out and I should do that now when I'm in my 20's instead of ten, twenty years down the line when my heath is poor and I'm miserable.

So, I'm going to be making an effort to eat healthier - which means no burgers, fries, and especially chickfila.  I'm cutting down on my Dr Pepper; I'm going to make an effort to drink more water.  I'm going to look into what it costs to join the gym in the building where I work.  I'm going back to bellydance classes.

I can do this, I just have to remember that I want to.

Seriously.  I'm pretty much always on the go.  How do I ever manage to get anything done?

It's been a full weekend, that it has been.

Friday things got derailed from our intended Dr Who and knitting marathon so instead I spent Friday night reading the brand new Dakota Cassidy book, You Dropped a Blonde on Me.  It's awesome because it's her humor and the story of someone learning how to deal with life after a crazy turn of events.  I know I don't understand the whole dynamic of divorce and being remarried, but from the angle of just wanting an entertaining book - it delivers.

Saturday I told myself I was going to knock out a bunch of Christmas shopping.  I'm all done as far as my mom is concerned, but she's the easiest person to buy for, so that's not saying a whole lot.  I still need to buy my dad's presents for her, but he gave me a list and I'll work off of that.  I still need to buy for my grandmothers, sister, niece and my family pick person - who I don't know yet.  Great!  I have begun to buy at least one book for each family member and I've got that item knocked off, so that's the most important shopping all tied up and taken care of as far as I'm concerned.  I'll work on the rest later.

Saturday night was my cousin's wedding.  I haven't seen him or his family in close to six or eight years, and my mother whined about going until I almost let her off the hook, but we still went!  And I was really glad we went.  All of her brothers and sisters save for one attended.  They never get together any more.  And, my mom's stepmother was there.  There's a whole pile of family "stuff" in that situation I won't even touch, but it was a pleasant reunion to see her.  The wedding was small and intimate and a lot of fun.  They had a guitarist that did all requests, and did Glee like mash ups.  It was a fantastic time, and my mom was really glad I dragged her along.

Today I woke up way early; like 8am, which for me on a weekend is stinking early!  I did all kinds of responsible things; I started laundry, did the dishes, went grocery shopping and bought stuff for the Chin Children.  And then - I did revisions.  I'll be talking about that in a few days over at cidwrites, but today was a big day as far as going through the draft and making changes.

Tonight was my Uncle D's Christmas party.  He used to have a family get together every year for a while until he moved, but my family has stopped going.  This year, however, I got an invitation so it didn't matter if my stick in the mud parents (love you mom and dad!) weren't going, I was going!  I also dragged Suzan along and made her go make nice with my family.  There were the most amazing, squishy chocolate covered gingerbread cookies!  And I got to see some more family and chitchat with other people I don't really know that well.

All in all - a very productive, fun weekend.

This week is going to be more of the busy, busy, busy.  Tomorrow night I need to do more Christmas shopping, Tuesday night we're going to a Richelle Mead book signing, Wednesday I know I have something, Thursday is #writersdatenight and I might be free on Friday before the crazy starts all over again.  So - there 'ya go!  Lots happening.  Time for me to go to sleeeeeeep!!

Ohmigawd I felt craptastic last night!  Fer serials.  I went to bed a little later than I intended to, half because the last Blades of the Rose book is ginormous and half because I haven't been sleeping through the night.  I've been waking up too early and then laying there far too awake and without the umph to get up and out of bed.  In theory it was a good idea, but I was just so sicky feeling and uncomfortable I barely slept.  I meant to take some of that night time cold medicine that knocks you out, but I forgot and then woke up in the early hours too cautious to take any for fear that I wouldn't wake up.

As exciting as it was to wake up with cops, moms, and apartment office people hanging around my bed, it's not an experience I want to relive any time soon!  So I suffered through the night.  This morning I felt icky still, but as the day has gone by I'm feeling better.  I've only supped on two Sucrets, which is a big improvement over the 8 I had yesterday.  Yeah.  8.  I had a timer going to count down the minutes and seconds until I could have another.  Today is infinatley better, made so by copious amounts of warm tea and the thought that tonight - tonight I get soup!

Sometime this weekend I have got to start thinking about Christmas presents.  I'm buying for: mom, dad, sister, niece, grandma, grandmother, and family pick.  Each year on Christmas Eve we all draw one name - someone in the family who we buy one present for.  This way we don't have to buy presents for everyone, and everyone gets two presents on Christmas Eve; one from their family pick, and one from Grandma who runs the Christmas Eve party.

Well.  Lunch is now officially over, I've read through most of it, so I must scuttle off to do work things!

(Aren't you proud that I'm blogging again???)

I have Blink 182's old song, What's my age again?, running through my head, only it's, What's today again?

For some reason I can't keep the days and dates straight in my head.  I don't know if I should blame it on taking so much time off of work and focusing on writing to the exclusion of piddly things like dates and days or if it's something to do with this achy cold I have going on. 

Today for instance; I woke up this morning thinking I didn't have to go to work.  Um, yeah keep dreaming!

I should probably pull out my planner and jot down things with a bit more zeal so I make sure to keep track of this stuff and jog my memory.  So that's it.

Well, everything can't always go according to plan, right?

Sunday was a study in what happens when nothing is planned!  I woke up fairly early and did my annual Birthday Shopping Spree.  This mostly consisted of work appropriate clothing; two pairs of slacks, one pair of jeans, a few shirts, and three pairs of shoes.  All in all, I spent relatively little thanks to good sales.  The shopping has become an almost unintentional tradition.

The afternoon was spent attending the Ft Worth TGIO which was the epitome of last-minute-planning, but I got to eat awesome biscuits and gravey, so who cares?  There was a little crafty shopping and then I went home and watched Dr Who stuff and The Secret of Kells and fought with knitting....

At least until the angry policeman arrived and accused me of listening to bass bust'en hip hop and playing video games way too loud.  Now, I am the first person to admit that I like listening and watching stuff on the loud side, but I wasn't last night.  I didn't really appreciate the angry cop routine since I wasn't doing anything wrong except maybe not having cake.  Yeah, I realized today that there was no cake involved at any point in time over the weekend.  How much suck is that?

This has been a nutty weekend so far.  It's almost 1:30am on Sunday morning and for some reason I'm still awake.  I guess I keep thinking if I hang around long enough something uber cool will happen - but I could be sleeping....

So instead I'm going to blog about this weekend.  Since my friend Suzan and I have back to back birthdays we decided we would do an extended weekend of awesome to celebrate.

Friday night - we went to Pete's Dueling Piano Bar.  Incase you aren't familiar with this, it's a bar with pianos and people who play and sing requests of stuff.  They can play just about anything, as long as they know it, and it's a great time to sing along, drink, dance, whatever.  But of course I can't go anywhere without something happening.  As soon as we got there we had a run in with this guy in a wheelchair who is like haunting the place or something.  He came up to Suzan and I thought she knew him, but aparently he just wanted to tell her she was very pretty.  I almost think he followed us to this corner we staked out for a bit because he wheels up to me and even though I'm singing and watching the act he wheels up and stares at me.  Yes, I know I'm too nice to just tell someone to scamper off, so I get dragged into this very awkward conversation with him.  I'm really not sure if he was really not all there or if he was just using the chair and this almost drunken voice to pick up girls, but it was weird and uncomfortable.  He even stood up (um, so why the wheelchair?) and hugged me.  And tried to pull my clothes around to see my tattoos.  Yeah, wasn't thrilled.

After that experience most of the rest of the night was a lot of fun.  Suz and I got pulled up on stage to do the chicken dance and make fools of ourselves since we were celebrating birthdays.  There was a diminutive older guy who was rather drunk that decided to booty dance at our table - not us, the table.  Pete's also must have a hotness test for the bouncers.  And we did tons of singing.  It was a great night.

Today, Saturday, I had the Dallas TGIO for NaNoWriMo.  It was kinda a train wreck since the planning ML got sick and there was a schedule conflict for the space and we got bumped to another room, but everything worked out.

Tonight we went to a Brahmas hockey game - it's a minor league hockey thing.  The game was loads of fun and we sat right on the glass.  The fights were awesome, the game really good once they got warmed up, and I think we're looking to go more often to those games.

Plans for tomorrow have kinda fallen through, so I'll be winging it on my actual birthday.  I'm thinking shopping and then the Ft Worth TGIO and maybe go see a movie if I can find anyone who is interested.

Okay, going to convince myself that sleep is the best bet right now.

My brother came to visit me yesterday.

Maybe that doesn't sound strange to you, but up until a week ago he was living in Florida.  I knew he was going to be back in Texas - but in Longview, now exactly a distance to just drop by for a chat.  We sat around for like two hours chatting and laughing and talking.  It was really nice, especially after NaNo.  We did talk some shop on books and writing but he's a casual reader only so it was more be gabbing and then moving on to other topics.  It was really cool, and it was nice to not feel harried during a conversation because I need to get back to writing like - RIGHT NOW!

I have yet to make it back to the kitchen to start post-NaNo cooking, but that has more to do with my own laziness than anything else.  I have two awesome steaks thawing right now that will be fantastic when I cook them on Friday, or maybe tonight if we don't do our #writersdatenight celebration meet up.

Sometime this weekend I want to get back on the knitting train.  I need to make one book cozy for a word war winner in Atlanta and then do some work on a scarf I've promised a friend of mine come January for her birthday.  I also want to knit this awesome ereader cozy I found on the Lion's Brand Yarn site.  It calls for crocheted button holes.  I'm hoping I can either ignore that part or hand that bit off to one of my crocheting friends to finish for me.

Last night I did manage to get cleaning done in the apartment.  All my furniture is back where it belongs, but there's still stuff where it doesn't belong and I really need to take out the trash and do this last load of Thanksgiving dishes.  All in all, things are coming together, so it's nice.

At some point I'm going to get down and dirty with the Christmas shopping.  Maybe this weekend I'll head up to Kohls or something and start in seriously.  Or maybe not.  I'm not particularly driven this morning - and now it's time to go to work!

My brain feels like it's mush.  Which means that NaNoWriMo is over!  Yup.  In case you haven't heard, I was an ML for this thing called NaNoWriMo - think like a big club and me being one of the co-presidents.  Anyways, I wrote over 200,000 words in one month.  My brain hurts.  So I've been reading!  It's awesome and makes me happy.

But I really don't want to talk about NaNo.  In fact, I want to talk about anything BUT that.  So - what am I going to do now that NaNo is over with? 

I'm going to blog.
I'm going to read.
I'm going to knit.
I'm going to watch movies.
I'm going to hang out with people.
I'm going to watch hockey.
And much, much more.

Mostly I'm probably going to be reading. I've read one book today, and I'll probably read more of another - and clean.  Dear lord my apartment is a pit of ick.  It wasn't that bad - not until this weekend when I had tons of people over and things just kinda got more and more messy.  I still need to clean up the kitchen and put my living room back in order.  Yup.  Super exciting, huh?  So I'm going to go do that now.

i'm going to cook.

i haven't been cooking because i was lazy, and then i was busy, and now i have nano.  i've been going out to eat mostly, and when i'm not out eating at a write-in, i've been eating left overs or microwave meals.  they're not bad, and honestly probably better than something i would cook, but i feel icky eating all of this food that's been packaged and processed and preserved. 

i'm not sure what i'll cook when nano is over, but it'll probably be something i shouldn't. 

ooooh, i forgot about the steaks in my freezer.  i got them a few weeks ago with the intent to cook them, but then stuff happened and nano started.  i'm thinking a bag of red potatoes, sliced and buttered and baked into tender perfection and steak marinated in something decident.  and then i can cook chicken and fish and everything else and maybe i'll feel like working out again.

heck, maybe i'll have TIME to work out again.

Okay, so hate me if you wanna, but the holiday season has infected me.  For me the holidays start with Halloween - because you get to dress up and it's super fun, and it means that it's time to start NaNoWriMo.  If you don't do NaNoWriMo November is all about Turkey - but if you do NaNoWriMo it's a big deal.  It consumes a large part of your life and is like a license to be certifiably crazy and indulge your creative side.  Of course there's Thanksgiving, my dad's birthday, my birthday, Christmas and New Years.  Yeah, this is kinda a big part of the year where lots of exciting things happen.

I went to Kohls to buy my dad's birthday present on Wednesday and they already have Christmas music playing, trees and decorations everywhere - it's like a big dose of Holiday Spirit.  This morning I wanted to start playing Christmas music but I didn't because I didn't want to get out of bed.  Yeah.

This is going to be a crazy two months, because in addition to all of the above, my dad is having surgery and I'm an ML and all the rest of it that come with it.  Anyways, that's it.  I'm busy writing and doing stuff, so there.

Okay, so I'm reading a certain book where some cheating happens - characters that I have been in literary love with cheated, like wow cheated. I finished the book and was so angry I wanted to punch kittens - and I still do. I'm going to be doing a Book-Addicts.com blog about emotionally charged reactions to books, but stemming from this book I've had a few conversations and an eye opening situation happen. So I thought I'd tackle my thoughts on emotional infidelity.

Cheating. I hate cheaters. There's a lot in the world I'm willing to forgive - cheating is something very difficult for me to forgive. It's a complete stripping of trust, no matter if it's someone I'm dating or if my best friend’s boyfriend cheats on her or if I'm best friends with the cheater; to me it says something about their character and as a default - I become wary of trust. There are always extraneous situations, and I won't even begin to claim that I react this way to every situation, but there is always a moment when I utterly question the trust and faith I have in that person.

So what is cheating? What's your definition of cheating? Is cheating a physical action? Or are thoughts enough? Would stolen time or warm-fuzzy-feelings for someone else constitute cheating?

There are a lot of options to consider when labeling someone a cheater. The most obvious is the physical act of cheating on a significant other. You can't deny what happened, maybe the circumstances, but the act happened. But what about emotional infidelity? Cheating that happens in the mind and heart; is that wrong?

I can't help but think about that infamous SmartBitches post recently where a boyfriend questioned his girlfriend’s stash of romance books. The blog is about another avenue, but it proves a point; some people will claim that romance books and porn are cheating because the mind and emotions are elsewhere, not on the significant other. There are people who ascribe to the ideology that thinking about another woman with interest of any sort - is cheating.

That's an extreme side - I sort of wanted to point out the obvious and the extreme, so now I'll hit the middle road which is where most of my questions and thoughts are centered.

In high school I often found myself in the role of "the best friend" the "girl who was one of the guys". Do you know how much that sucks? Thank GOD I woke up and got out of that rut when I hit college; yes, I had guy friends but I was no longer friends with them for the wrong reasons, and I didn't allow them to think of me as one of the guys unless that was the friendship I wanted. Unrequited love is brutal.

You know why I think a lot of those guys considered me part of their "best friend" tribe back then? Because looking back there was something missing with their significant other that I provided. It was high school and most of it was dumb, but it's the illustration I have on hand at the moment. The boys physically dated someone else, but when they wanted to talk about stuff or go do stupid stuff their girlfriends wouldn't do - they called me. And silly me went along with it because one day they'd wake up and realize just how awesome I was. (They never did, and I probably wasn't all that awesome if that was how I was pining after them.)

Later on in life, I found myself in a very odd love-square. I was friends with people who were dating other people, heck - I was dating someone else, and yet emotionally I connected on a level with someone who was not my boyfriend to such a degree that I knew it was wrong to be dating one person but harboring feelings for another.

Feelings happen. We're going to feel things for people who are not our significant other; it's how you handle it that matters. But is there a line of right and wrong? How do you know where that is? You can't really tick off emotional boxes looking at someone - only the person feeling can do that and even then we get our own synapses so crossed and rewired we confuse ourselves. If you've ever seen He's Just Not That Into You, there's a story arc of a married man who has a friendship develop with a woman who is not his wife; there's a point in the movie where he pulls back and says something to the affect, 'This is wrong'. The woman questions him about having female friends - are they wrong? But the friendship wasn't the issue - they both knew the issue was with how they were feeling about each other. By spending time with the other woman and developing feelings for her the character was cheating. Okay, other stuff happens but that's later on.

Drawing the line around emotions is hard. It's very subjective and murky. What I think of as cheating emotionally won't be the same for someone else - and that's where it gets hard to handle, to understand and deal with.

I don't think I answered, explained or stated any questions very well, but I put ideas down and right now that's what matters.

Sunday I finished a first draft of a novel I started last month.  It was a very exciting moment, but I knew I was going to finish it during the weekend.  Heck, I'd planned it that way - because I need two weeks to get ready for NaNoWriMo - and clean my apartment!

So what does life look like post-novel?  Messy.  I'm starting a cleaning schedule.  First everything will be tidied up, mostly put into place so my apartment is presentable - and then I start the deep clean.  I'm going to try to borrow or rent a carpet cleaner I think, and a vaccume - or maybe just buy a new one.  My mom visted me this last weekend and remarked about how dirty my apartment is.  It irked me because it was a little messy around the edges but for the most part it was clean!

I think I got the cleaning bug from my mom - but only after I moved away.  Before I did everything possible to not clean, but now all I want is for everything to have a place and a spot.

Oh my, I'm becoming my mother....

I was driving Saturday when I had a very philisophical conversation with myself about beliefs and what I believe.

I've always been very forthcoming with what I believe; I'm a Christian, that's just how it is.  I'm probably more liberal than others, and much more accepting, but I believe in a God, a risen Savior and the presence of the Holy Spirit.  I'm not going to spoon feed you my kool-aid, and I respect the right to believe differently - but I don't shy away from talking about it - if it comes up.

So while driving I started thinking about beliefs in an arm's length kind of way.  Stepping back and looking at the trappings and rules - and you know what?  It's hard to believe in something.  I have faith because I just do, I can't explain my faith to someone who doesn't want faith, and that's difficult to deal with on the best of days.  It would be so much easier to believe that this life ends with your last breath, the last beat of your heart; you're time's up, you've had a great run of things - and now it's over.  Like the wind-up toy that no longer windes, you're done.  That would simply life so much; there wouldn't be any teetering on the precipice of right and wrong - there would just exsist a state of being, answerable to only yourself.

I've always needed rules or guidelines in my life.  I need to know where the line is because I've always struggled with balance in my life; I tend to throw myself into something and do too much of it, or consume all of it.  Books?  I read them in one sitting, and that's kind of how I treat a lot of things in my life.  I give myself over to it wholly, I want to read the finish line, have an end product, reap the rewards of having completed that task, etc.

I know I should be a 'better Christian'.  I don't go to church as much as I should.  The fact that it's hard for me to find a place where people don't stare at me and wonder what my real reason for being around is, or where people are friendly and open enough to let you into the click, or any number of other social situations.  It's not God in the church that keeps me out, it's the people.  That's a terrible mindset; we're Christians, we're not supposed to live solitary lives, but for me it's easier 'being on my own' than around others.  And that's not really a good mindset - but I also know that I'm playing with a specific hand of cards that you, my reader, probably don't know so don't judge me too harshly because you don't know the whole story.

And this leads me to the question - what makes a 'good' Christian?  I believe.  I try not to sin.  I'm not as good about reading my Bible or praying as I should be.  I'm not affraid to talk to people about what I believe, but I don't initiate that conversation very much (Okay, that's not true, I have the prophet Hosea tattoo'd on my arm and THAT gets a lot of attention and starts the conversation - so maybe I am guilty of starting the conversation....).  It would be easier for my off-balance life if I had a few simple guidelines to tell me when enough is enough, because I constantly feel like a failure because I'm not burning the candle at both ends where my faith and beliefs are concerned - and I don't know if that's a right or wrong sentiment.  I just don't know, and worrying about it makes me not want to even think about it - and then I wonder if believing in nothing at all would be better, but that's not true, because my beliefs are integral to who I am and are part of me.

I'm not looking for an answer, I'm just wanting to express this knot of thought inside my head; believing is harder that not believing at all, but without my beliefs I'm denied hope in something bigger and better than myself, so it's okay that things are a little hard sometime.  I'll figure out a balance, life will make sense, and maybe I'll realize that it's okay that I live in America, working a regular job, doing my own things - and not something more dedicated.  Sometimes I feel like a failure because I didn't try harder to be a missionary when working in a church became impossible, but I can't change the past and I can only move forward - and for now forward is right where I am headed.

Anyone else watch it?

I have a lot of friends who do, and I had no idea what they were talking about when they started spouting off about TARDIS and sonic screwdrivers - most of the time I just smiled, nodded and acted like everything made perfect sense.  Sounds like a good plan, huh?  And it was!  At least until I decided to dip my toes int he pond and see what it's all about.

And ya know what?  I'm loving it.  I'm almost through season 2 of Dr Who, trying to convince myself to stretch it out instead of jamming it all in one weekend, but it's not working out so well.  I've been knitting and watching it a lot.  Yup - so far I have a new hat and I'm almost done with a book cozy.  Made my wristies watching a big chunk of it too.  Now if only I could finish those scarves.... if only I could remember where they are.

So anyways, I'm watching Dr Who, and it's fun.  I should post pictures of my knitting, but it's all up on Ravelry if you belong to that fun little cult.

NaNo stuff has and hasn't picked up.  There's plenty of stuff that goes on behind the scenes that takes up time, and we're planning stuff and doing preparations, but nothing that's huge - at least not until this weekend.

I need to finish the book I'm working on now so I can focus on my November projects, which I blogged about over on cidwrites.com - yes, I'm blogging more!  Be impressed.

Okay, off to get a snack and do stuff.

Okay, so yes, I've been a sucky blogger so to get me back to talking about stuff, since it's October, I'll talk about my Halloween costume.  I knew after reading Feed by Mira Grant that I wanted to be Urban Survival Barbie, sort of like Alice from Resident Evil, but with glam.  I debated for a long time if I wanted to do it glitzy like, or do more of an urban feel.  I couldn't decide, but I thought that Barbie would have to be pink - so I went on a search for something that would work, and last weekend I found the perfect Barbie zombie fighting dress.

There's still important parts that I need.  I'm going to look into getting a pagent style sash this next week, like Miss America style, but with hot pink letters saying Urban Survival Barbie, and I'll probably make a patch for the back of it that says, Rise up while you still can.  I found the company that makes the Miss America and Universe sashes, I'd like to see the faces on the people when they get the order.  It's going to be funny.

Oh, I also have these killer boots that also came from Ross.  Yeah, Ross is a great place.

So, once I have the sash, now that I have the dress and the boots, I need those fancy, jewel hose, I'm going to try to find a mini-black leather jacket, a blonde wig is a necessity, and also a bedazzled machete.  Yup, I'm going to bedazzle me some metal.  It's going to be great.

Now, where will I be wearing this, you ask?

Two places.  First, on the 31st to the NaNo midnight write in.  It will be great fun.  Then, the second is to the Readers'n'Ritas costume ball in November.

So yeah, I'm going to be Barbie.

I should blog more.  I keep meaning to, but then I feel guilty that I haven't been blogging, so I keep not blogging.  Yes, that makes a lot of sense, I know.

So what have I been doing?

Not a lot, really.  Mostly reading, writing and knitting.  I started back up with belly dance classes, so that's a good thing.  I've started a new novel and I'm 75% of the way through writing the first draft.  I'm knitting my first ever hat - and Alice gave me these super awesome stitch markers that have pretty beads on them.  I've also knitted fingerless gloves based on a Dr Horrible Wristies pattern.  And I'm reading a lot.  So far the best new releases I've read in the last few weeks are Bayou Moon by Ilona Andrews (I've read it four times now) and The Iron Duke by Meljean Brooks (read it twice, it came out on Tuesday, like two days ago).

And, I'm getting ready for NaNoWriMo.  I'm an ML so things are going to be busy, but I'm excited.

Yup, time for me to go to bed.  Night!

I don't think my lack-of-motivation streak is at an end.  In fact, I think it's dug in hard and doesn't wan to leave, but I'm tired of my apartment looking a bit cluttered and messy.  I don't think my friends really mind, I mean they come over willingly enough, but it's bothering me.  I didn't get any of the desired cleaning done yesterday because I got frusterated with my other website and started hand updating files.  It took two hours and it didn't fix the problem I was having.  I think I'm at the point where I'm just going to pay someone to fix it.

But!  But I have been successful about getting some things done.  I've written a lot recently, in fact more consistently and with more gusto than I have since I finished Abs.  That is encouraging!

So, I'm going to look for small steps this week.  I want to tidy up the apartment and go to bellydancing on Saturday morning.  I've been putting off going back to classes for, well, I don't know why, but I have and I will be going Saturday because I just will!  I think I'm going to only go once a month until I'm back into a routine and then kick it up to twice a week again.

I'm going to try to keep my dishes under control, and be a bit more tidy with my laundry.  Those are my goals for the forseeable future.  Start small, right?  Well this is small enough.  Little steps create habits, and making them good habits is kind of the focus I need right now, so there you go.

Tonight I really need to take out the trash and clean the Chinchilla cage and go grocery shopping.  I'm going out to lunch because I didn't have anything else to bring with me to work to eat - even for breakfast.  If I can squeeze in putting away my laundry I'll be thrilled and try to tackle the clutter in the livingroom tomorrow.

I'm hoping to start using the WiiFit again as I watch back seasons of Dr Who since it's on the Netflix Watch Instantly.

All in all, it's a start!

I'm making up my own knitting pattern.  Yes, you heard me right, I'm coming up with my own set of stitches.  I think I've figured out what I want to do with it so far, so now it's just a matter of knitting it to length, but I'm hopeful.  Thankfully the point of the pattern is to be rather holey and messy and not quite perfect; it's a very forgiving pattern so far.  When I have more than a few inches to show for it I will post some pictures, but for now it looks like a black rectangle with stylized holes in it.  Not much to look at.

So it seems I'm having an issue with lack of discipline.  Not surprising; I was never very disciplined before I went to college and it took me a year or so to figure out how to not drown in my classes, but then I cracked the whip and got through it.  Somewhere in the last year my discipline has crumbled.  I stay up late, I skid into work just in time, I put off finishing my laudry or dishes, and I really would rather not clean.  I'm lazy - which has always been one of my biggest vices - but mostly I've been able to hem myself in.  Lately I've lost even that ability.

If it didn't affect my life - like the things I want to be able to do - I doubt I would be upset about it.  But I can't really write or knit much when I'm exhausted from having stayed up two nights in a row until the wee hours of the morning because I didn't feel like going to bed just quite yet.  I'm not sure what I need to do to motivate myself more, but it needs to happen.

Mostly because I want to finish my Dr Horrible Wristies and finish writing this book, but getting other stuff done too would be nice.

Okay, so Alice and I have been hitting the idea back and forth like a never-ending game of ping pong about how we needed to get together and knit - and then there was the other conversation about doing a Harry Potter marathon since I've seen only a few of the movies in their entirety and another one in bits and pieces.  Well, yesterday was devoted to knitting - and Harry Potter.  Yup.

My goal for a while has been to knit a pair of fingerless gloves.  I want a pair.  I want to make a pair.  So after lots of digging around, Alice found this pair of wristies that were inspired by Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-Long Blog.  They used to be up on Ravelry and on Knerdy Knitting, but the site went down or expired.  Through some very impressive creative thinking on a friend of ours, we discovered that we could access the pattern through google's chache.  So, if you're interested, h e r e is a link to that pattern.

The wristies I made are a little different.  For one, my thumb hole isn't comfortable at all.  If I make another pair of these I'll have to experiment.  I also made the button track wider, and after I discovered I had no idea how to actually make the button holes, I just knitted a solid track and sewed the wristies together and will add buttons once I find some better suited to the jewel tone colors.  I have one almost completed wristie that's just missing buttons.

I've also completed another book cozie.  This one was going to be for me, but I ended up hating the way the self-striping yarn patterend on the book, so I'll be giving it away with a future book giveaway on Book Addicts.  Stay tuned!

This morning I started experimenting with an idea I hatched for a pattern for fingerless gloves, so I'll have to report back on how that's working, but later - because I need to do a lot of writing since I took yesterday off to watch Harry Potter and knit.

I swear I'm going to blog more this week.....

So I'm sitting in a Starbucks in Longview, out in east Texas, just hanging out until a reasonable time for me to head over to the country club for my brothers wedding.  This is day three of my staycation - no I don't care that it's a Saturday!

So far it's been all about the reading and revisions.  Thursday I think I finished reading Married with Zombies, did a bunch of writing and revising, read an ebook called Until Emie and read Blameless.  Yeah, I read a lot!!  Friday I got up and finished reading Never Trust a Rogue before putting in some serious revision time on MPG and then heading off for a quick B&N trip before the Writer's Date Night.  We're trying it out on Friday nights for a few weeks, but I don't think it's going to work.  There just isn't a night for everyone to get together that doesn't conflict with anything else, so we're going to have to make a group decision about what we want to do.  It's going to suck because any way we hatch this egg someone is going to get left out.  Boo. 

Today I slept in on accident and missed dance class - again.  I haven't been in like two or three weeks.  Ug.  I'm a dance failure!!!  Hopefully after this weekend and the whole crazy trip for the wedding I'll be back on track and doing stuff normal like.

And my brother just surprised me at Starbucks.  Awe.  I'm supposed to meet everyone over at the country club in like half an hour.  I'll get snazzied up over there and meet everyone.  Tonight promises to be really interesting.

Okay, so I'm a *little* late with this - gimme a break!!!

Reading Goals

So after Armadillo*Con and an impressive book release day today, I really need to think about more space for my books.  I have a very large entertainment center that I got because I liked the way it looked, the style was something I really thought was nifty and there were matching bookcases.  I haven't put books on the entertainment center.  However, with the rate of my buying right now, I need more shelf space so I'm hoping to take some time during my staycation to do some serious organization.

That, and I think I'm going to get rid of my physical cd's.  I can't remember the last time I bought one or changed out the discs in my CD player.  I don't even listen to them.  They're just in there.  Doing that will give me three cubbies, combining my Wii stuff will give me one, getting rid of the VHS tapes I can't watch anyways will give me two.  Putting knicknack stuff in other places will give me two.  So, as you can see, that will add up!  And, I want to take my photo albums out of the shelves and put the "office" suppies somewhere else as well as the random compilation of binders. 

Other random things I plan on doing during my staycation?  Um.....  Write.  Read.  Clean up my bedroom as usual.  Clean the patio.  But mostly read and write.  I know, thrillingly exciting, huh?

In other news, I posted a recap of Armadillo*Con on my writers blog, and uploaded pictures to Facebook.  I need to Flickr them, but I'm going to bed early tonight.  Or, I'm going to bed early if I can after having read a quarter of Married with Zombies.  I love zombie books, but they do horrible things to my over-active imagination!

There's so much to update on, I just haven't had time to do it.  So here's a stupid picture of me at Armadillo*Con.

Today I was glancing through a friends Facebook pictures; not always an enjoyable experience when you turn up in them as the 14 yr old version of yourself, lol.  No, I'm not linking.  And it got me thinking about how I've always felt a little obtuse or abnormal in a group of people.

Tons of people go out of their way to dress or act in a way that attracts attention because they want it or they need it to compensate for something.  There was a short time in and around Jr High when I did that, but it was just too much work, and I went back to being - me.  I don't know what it is about just being myself, but I always seem to be the odd one out. 

I'm loud and opinionated.  That makes me stick out a lot of the time.  I like and have tattoos; that gets me all sorts of attention - but I didn't get the tattoos for attention.  I got them because I wanted them.  Do they make me look kinda bad ass?  Well, yeah.  Suz said last week that if the hotel was mean to us she'd sick me on them because I'm scary and have tattoos, lol.

But what I'm talking about is that I've always been sort of the odd one out.  It's just who I am.  I remember in high school really badly just wanting to fit in somewhere, even if it was with the odd kids, I just wanted people who liked me.  Maybe if I could change who I was I could have, but I've never once considered being anything but what I am.  I've always liked me, with my oddities and quirks, I've never once thought that the way I am naturally - loud, obnoxious, tattooed, creative - was something that needed to change or was abnormal.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say, I guess I'm just articulating observations about myself.  I'm aware that I stick out like a sore thumb.  No, I don't do it intentionally.  Yes, this is who I really am.  It's too much of an effort to hide behind a fancy facade; I'm l-a-z-y.

So that's it.  Be who you are because it's what's most truthful.  Yes, it's nice to fit in sometimes, but at what cost?

So this was the tax free weekend here in Texas.  As in, the one weekend where you're totally okay spending way too much money because that 5% or whatever sales tax usually is, isn't there!  While it was a little crazy dodging people and finding the right size, I was sad that there weren't more people out shopping.  I know the economy is on a slow crawl up hill, but I'd hoped that there would be more people out taking advantage of the weekend and showing that the economy isn't all that bad.

Oh well.  It didn't stop me from having a good time.

To get the day started off 'right' I got my hair done.  I'd been holding off so that it was right before the conference.  It's not that much different from how I had it cut last time, I just had blonde and some splashes of red added.  You'd think with how little hair I have that it wouldn't take that long to do, right?  Um, wrong.  I was in the stylists chair from 9am until about 2:30pm.  That's a lot of fussing over my hair!!  We did the blonde, and then decided there wasn't enough of it and did a second round of bleach foils.  The red didn't come out with as much of a *pop* as we'd hoped.  But all in all it looks really good.  And the stylist had a great time figuring out how to do a fauxhawk since I said she could.  Will I be sporting the fauxhawk?  Probably not very often, but it was a fun style.

That said, it was off for shopping with Suzan and The Monsters!  It was a lot of fun; we hit up Old Navy, the Mall and Kohls and did some serious money damage.  The boys were fun, and bless their hearts they put up with us an awful lot!  I got two complete outfits which I'll be sporting at the conference next weekend and a few other pieces that will be good for work.  I really like shopping....

And just to prove how hardcore of a shopper I can be, I shopped until my foot literally bled!  LoL, something got in my shoe and I have a little cut on the very bottom, on the inner part of the ball of my foot so I've been walking softly all day.

The rest of the week will be spent taking care of work stuff and prepping for the weekend.  I'm getting my nails done on Tuesday and will be stressing over choreography for dance class I still don't know all that well and convincing myself to do laundry - again - before we go.  :D

So last year sometime I did the Strengths Finder 2.0 exam.  If you're unfamiliar with the book, it's the culmination of a decades worth of study on positive traits.  We have so many ways to describe what we cannot do well and how people are in a negative light; there's not anywhere near as much emphasis put on what we can do well, or where we excell.  It's an interesting book; you must purchase it new, the access code in the back is good for only one exam, and you must take the exam in one sitting.  It's timed, and there is no Go Back option.

One of my top five qualities was positivity.

Yesterday was really hard for me.  I'm hard on myself because who else will be?  I went to bed bummed out and feeling depressed.  Now, today isn't all sunshine and roses, but I made the choice this morning to attempt to be happier, to attempt to not allow my mistakes to drag me down into a bog.  I'm still bummed out about my short comings, but I'm much happier than I was yesterday - because I chose to be.  My problems haven't been solved, and right now I don't think they will be for another day or two, but I can't controll everything.

I can control how I react.  I can control how I conduct myself.  I can control my choices.  And I chose to make the attempt at having a good day, and find joy in the small things.  Like Dr Pepper and the zombie book Suzan pointed out to me that will be out in a few weeks.  Bonus points because it looks fan-frikken-hilarious.

Today has just been one crappy thing after the other.  But because it's mostly involving Things I Don't Blog About and my dad's health, there's really no point in blogging about it - other than I want to tell you, I want to be in a snit.  I really do.  All of the issues of today can't be pointed at just one person, it's a lot of that, 'none of us were paying attention like we should' and things fell through the crack and you know me; if it's not perfect, if I messed up, I'm crushed. 

I wish I could just brush off the mistakes; yes, we all make them but when I make them I often feel as if it is the end of the world.  I try to not act out after a mistake, I try to rein in my, 'woe is me! doom! doom! doom!', faze and move on with it.  But just because I don't act that way doesn't mean I don't feel it.  So the latter half of tonight has been me kicking myself while I'm down, pointing out everything I really could do better if I would just open my eyes and try a bit more. 

No, I am not perfect. 
Yes, I tend towards lazy. 
No, it is not the end of the world. 
Yes, I wish the ground would open up and swallow me now for my lack of perfection.

And then I talked to my mom.  We both got to complain to each other, and wonderful mother that she is, she wholeheartedly tries to make everything better.  I need to be a better daughter and call more often, but when I do call I learn everything my dad won't tell me about his health and then I recall why we haven't talked as much recently and of course my mom has to start in on my weight.  Because ya know what?  I'm fat.  And no man will love a fat girl, and I will feel better about myself skinny.  Sheesh.  I love, love, love my mom, but skinniness does not equate happiness.  Explaining that to her was a run on the never ending wheel of, 'yeah but-'.  I would do better to go unloved by another human being than have that love hinged on my waistline.

Anyways, I think I should shower, curl up in bed with Face Off and sleep this out.  Tomorrow will be a better day.  It's Thursday after all, and that means #writersdatenight!

i think my teen years would have gone a lot better if i would have realized at that point in time my love of lists.  lists - as i discovered in college - are the best thing to motivate me.  take today for example, i got up, utterly listless (double note - the lack of capitalization. that would require far too much effort for today).  i would have been completely happy turning on movies and vegging all. day. long.  can i afford that kind of laziness?  no.  so last night i made a brainstorm list of the things i really should get done.  i got up today, looked my laziness in the face - and made The Uber List. 

for someone like me who is goal oriented, lists work like artificial motivation.  i want that sense of accomplishment crossing something off the list gives me.  do i feel like doing all that stuff? uh - no friggen way.  but i need to continue to catalog my books, figure out what i'm reading and what i have.  i need to clean my apartment.  i need to realize that i need to not buy any yarn until i've used what i currently own.

but yes, i use my tumblr account strictly for my love of lists.  i make them every day, and sometimes several a day.  that's one reason why i went digital; i used to write everything down on scraps of paper, and then they would get lost or i would forget to throw them away and i would have a ball of paper in the washing machine.  the tumblr website is awesome because i can get it to work on my cell phone.  great for shopping lists!  they are the secret behind much of my success.  there.  now you know.

Really.  I'm not kidding.

I willingly went to this movie.  Even though I don't like Michael Cera; he's sort of like Reeves, who just plays himself in a movie.  But - I was hopeful.  What I'd heard from the geek crew sounded like fun; fighting the league of evil x's for the girl of his dreams?  Sounds dreamy, right?

Except that Scott Pilgrim is just another rather spineless jerk.  He cheats on his girlfriend.  He doesn't have the nerve to just break up with the fore mentioned girlfriend even though he's making progress with the girl from his dreams (hereafter referred to as gfhd).  The fights with the evil x's were awesome, though at one point I swear I was watching an episode of Double Dragon.  Come on, you remember that right?  The evil fighting karate twins with the power of the dragon?  Yeah. 

Gthd wasn't without her own issues, but at least she was upfront and all - "I have issues."  "I'm leaving you for that dude."  "Okay, so I'm a bitch."

The supporting characters were what rocked.  The gay roommate and the drummer girl were my favorites.

Rent it.  Unless you're a fan of the comics or something, but don't go expecting it to be *jazz hands* Awesome!  *end jazz hands*  It had potential - had he not been so spineless.  The premise was cool, but the execution just... sucked.

I keep three calendars.  One is a moleskin monthly calendar that I carry with me.  Snapshop of the whole month, it gets pretty crowded and technicolor what with all of the highlighter and colored ink.  I have two on my desk at work.  One is a month view that I scribble work stuff down on and will notate personal stuff that's going on.  Why?  Because if something happens to me there's a physical copy of what my plans are lying around somewhere that's not my home.  The last calendar is a new addition and I keep it at work because it's just easy.  It's a week view calendar that I rip the top sheet off every Monday and figure out my week.

This morning before work I realized that I have only one 'social engagement' that is not writing related this coming week.  This is good.  I'm coming down to three weeks before Armadillo*Con, this writing convention in Austin.  I'm accepting that I probably will not be able to go to the DFW Writer's Convention this year because they raised the cost.  I don't really understand the hike to $300.  It's a rough economy and asking more money from people who probably won't break even on what they spend to write any time soon seems like a silly idea.  Publishing is hard right now.  The Convention sold out last year - probably because it was so affordable.  Anyways, since the DFW Con is pretty much out, I need Armadillo*Con to count.  Means, I need to have as much on the table as possible.

What I have yet to say is that I'm going to be very unsocial in the coming weeks so that I can recoup on the writing time I've lost from spending so much hanging out with people.  Yes, I adore my friends and I like doing stuff with them but I want to do well in Austin since it's just that much more important for me.

DFW Con isn't 100% out, but with it costing that much more, and earlier in the year it's harder to make happen.  Last year it was late Spring so you had time after Christmas to take a breath and then pinch for the con cost.  This year it's more expensive and in February.  I think I paid $185 last year.  It's almost $300 this year.  That really sucks because there were a lot of agents and authors scheduled to be there I wanted to meet, but that's the way the cookie crumbles.  Maybe the next year, huh?

The big point is that I'm going to be less social, more writerly.  At least until the end of August!

So once upon a time someone told me that if you talk about the dark things in your life it makes it easier to deal with them.  Not sure if that's true, but I'm going to blog about my silly, irrational fears.

Ready to laugh at me?  Good.  Because don't you dare do it to my face!  Okay, you probably could but I'd feel silly and probably say something dumb.

The thing that's always been hard for me to do is going to sleep.  Why?  Because growing up traveling I shared a bed with my mother.  That was security.  I knew that if anything happened she was right there and could protect me.  When she stopped performing and we had a 'normal' life we lived in a log cabin in the middle of nowhere.  Do you have any idea how freaky that is when your imagination runs wild?  I have always needed an hour to talk myself into sleeping.  It's gotten worse living alone because I lay in bed and watch the way the shadows play on the windows for a while until I'm satisfied they're normal.  I'll lay a certain way for a while and make sure the light from my laptop screen isn't messed up - as in, no one's come out of the washer closet and is creeping around my apartment.  Then there's the really irrational things that my mind processes before I go to sleep; like things that could be in my closet or have been crammed under my very low bed.

Are these things irrational?  Yes.  I know they are.  It makes no sense for someone to break into my apartment.  I live surrounded by people, there's not much of a reason to break into my apartment unless you want at my books.

Also, I think part of the reason I have the irrational fear of someone being outside of my bedroom window is that it's happened before.  When I was in high school, a person who will not be named (if you knew me in high school he was a plague on us all and I'm soooo sorry), wrote me lots of dark poetry.  He was one of those types that no one wants to be friends with, he made the choice to be a sort of pained soul.  I took pity on him and tried to be a friend because people didn't want anything to do with him.  He told me he loved me,  but I wouldn't date him because while part of him was dark and mysterious high school boy sexy, he was also 100% bad news and part of me knew it.  One morning I woke up and somehow he'd gotten hold of a car and drove out to my house.  On the outside of my bedroom window were like 100 yellow sticky notes with "I Love You" written on everyone.  I remember running outside in shorts and barefoot to rip them off before my parents saw.  There was also a poem involved but I forget where it was. 

This is a caviate, but I think that all my worst stories with guys involve one I tried to help because they were that stereotype loner.  The one no one wanted to be friends with because they were too weird or too this or too that.  The guy above, the guy who beat me up... yeah, that whole thing where people tell you to be friends with the loners because they need friends too?  Total lies.  They could have friends if they wanted to! (Note: I don't mean that whole don't-be-friends-with-them-thing.  There are people who are just shy or need to be understood, just be careful.  Broken noses are not fun.)

And no, I am not afraid of guys.  Am I slow to trust?  Yes.

So now it's time for my latest, really irrational fear.  Cockroaches.  Cockroaches everywhere.  It's a recent thing, like one year ago when I moved into this apartment and there was that one on my pillow.  I've never had an issue with bugs.  Heck, I ate crickets in Thailand!  But every time there is another one in my apartment the more my skin crawls at the sight of them.  First thing I do when I wake up and shamble out of my bedroom?  I flip on the lights for my kitchen and dining area and take a good, long hard look around to see if there's a culprit.  I have this image of cockroaches crawling in the cups I drink out of.  It freaks me out.

Okay, that's all I can think of for now.  If I can think of any other self-deprecating stories I'll share later!

So we got some sad news this week.  The biggest indi bookstore in the DFW area is closing down.  They opened when the recession was just hitting and have held out for eighteen glorious months.  It's a super cool place and I wish I could share it with everyone.  I'm going to miss them.  Hopefully all of the authors who supported the bookstore find other boolalicious homes for their signings and events and stuff.

As usual I'm staying plenty busy!

This last weekend I went to my best friends, little sisters wedding in Oklahoma - I just wished someone would have told me where in Oklahoma it was before we started driving.  We assumed the wedding was in Oklahoma City - but in actuality it was in Ada, Oklahoma.  Yeah.  Making that U-Turn was not fun.  The wedding was very pretty and the couple were very happy.  I also got to see the fore mentioned best friend and her family and that's always special.  I road-tripped it with an old college friend, lots of fun talking about school, our lives now - and books!

Sunday was the official Book Addicts kick off, so several of us went over to Suz's house and camped out to write all day.  I learned something very important about myself.  Sitting at a kitchen table I will stare at the cursor mocking me and maybe dredge out 500 or 1,000 words.  If I move to the couch - BAM - thousands of words!  Yeah, after learning that I parked it across the room on the couch and pounded out words; lots of words.  It's a little disheartening because the weekends are turning into my writing time; I'm getting so busy on the weekdays it's almost impossible.

Like Monday - I did do revisions, but I also had to balance cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning, and everything else I missed out on doing this weekend because I just wasn't at home!  Tuesday was the book club up at Legacy and that's always a full evening of shopping and talking.  Wednesday I had an accident and didn't go to dance class, but I still had stuff to do for people! 

Tonight is supposed to be Harem Night; I'm thinking I'm not going to go because my weekend is already full and I need time at home to clean and knit and wash clothes and do stuff for meeeeeeee.

Friday we're going up to Legacy probably to say our goodbye to the store and attend the Rachel Caine book signing.  Saturday is dance class and I got roped into going to my friend's cooking demonstration class, and I might possibly have a movie outing if we get out early enough.  Sunday we're discussing another possible writing day... And then it starts over again!  @__@  I need a vacation from my life, lol.

i wanted to blog tonight - but nothing went according to plan tonight.

I know, I'm supposed to do a Girl Talk Thursday blog today, but I haven't blogged about me in over a week so I might as well.  I've been busy, I have a lot to say.  Like - how I need to really keep my camera on me.  I really should take more pictures.  I'm bummed because we had a baby shower on Saturday - and did I think to take any pictures?  Nope.  I really would have liked to.

So, my sort of goal now is to take more pictures.  More memories.  I want new pictures to hang on my walls at home and fill those gaping places.  I should get the chance this weekend; I'm going to my best friends, little sisters wedding - in Oklahoma.  It's love to go to Oklahoma, let me tell you.

And what have I been up to the last two weeks since I haven't really been blogging?  I've been catching up with my friends.  Doing things.  Watching movies mostly.  Knitting.  Ooooh!  I knitted a book cozy.  It's going to go with my first Book-Addicts.com giveaway and it's super nifty.  I need to make one for me so that I protect the books I thoughtlessly toss into my purse all the time.  I also need to take a picture and update my Ravelry and just show it off.  The next one I make will have a few changes, like a ribbed edge instead of just a k&p every other row kind of plan. 

I've been knitting a lot more.  I think it has something to do with that whole wanting to make Christmas presents thing going on in the back of my brain.  I'm working on an adorable pink and blue stripped scarf.  It rolls in on its self, so it would be a really good accessory, but not very functional.  I'm thinking I'll give it to one of my younger nieces and do scarves for the whole brood.  That's five kids.  Just so you know.  That's a lot of knitting - but I wanna do it!

The writing and revising has been going very slowly.  I'm up to the third chapter on the new WIP called My Personal God.  I've cut about 7K from Sing Softly - and that hurts.  Like OUCH!  My goal with Sing Softly is to just get the plot in place and the manuscript readable and get someone to just read through it; probably the #writersdatenight girls because they're all bugging me about it.  After that I'm thinking I'll shelf it and n-e-v-e-r work on it again. 

I wound up dancing at Stratos for the oil spill fund raiser last week.  It was random and happened at like 4pm - and silly me - I thought there would be more than just one other person and myself doing it.  I'm so silly!  Over all dance has gotten much more challenging.  Myself and three others were bumped up to the intermediate class, which is also intro to zills.  Uh, I can't even move my body in all the ways they're telling me to, and now I'm supposed to zill?  For me it's the body moving that's harder.  Zilling?  Pft - I was in marching band, yeah my right hand is a little dysfunctional; I played French Horn.  But zills and moving and playing doesn't bother me.  Yes, I do get off rhythm easily, but I've always had issues with my internal metronome not functioning properly.

Oh, and I had my first ever experience at a gaming place with a friend for her hubby's birthday.  Yeah, I so don't have a nerd/geek card.  Race?  Class?  What?  *plays with Killer Bunnies*  Yeah, I have never felt so normal in my whole life.

What else?  This weekend is the wedding and the kick off for Book-Addicts.com - so go enter my friggen contest Saturday!  Fer serials people.  I'm going to be giving away a copy of Feed.  You don't know just how awesome this book is.  It's very much a rock-your-socks-off book.

And while we're talking about books, my awesome, funny, talented, mommy-amazing friend Erinn is celebrating her blogging success with a mystery box giveaway of books! G-o E-n-t-e-r N-o-w !-!-!-!

Right.  So that's all the interesting stuff I've been doing for now. 

So, people who talk to me, twitter with me, or read my blogs might have heard me mention the #SeekritProject I've been working on with some friends.  Well, in a week and some change on August 1st we, Alice, Linda, Suzan and myself are going to debut our book review website, Book-Addicts.com.

I just posted our very first post on the blog, so go by and leave comments, show us some love and all that jazz.  We're going to be doing a lot of giveaways and stuff these first two weeks, so watch twitter for updates and plugs for contests and reviews.  I'm really excited about this project; reading is something I really enjoy and I think it'll be fun to share this with other people.

Because what addict wants to be alone?

Hmm, I'm going to forgo the obvious answer of writer in favor of something - well - silly.

If I were going to be famous for anything - other than writing - I would want to be, are you ready for it?





I think that my unique experiences with a wide variety of cockroaches invading my personal space, makes me specially equipped to hunt them under extraordinary circumstances and in creative, new ways.  Now, my default fall back is always a full can of Raid - but do you know the athletic ability it takes to leap coffee tables and move furnature to get to your prey?  It's a lot of work!  I'd reason to believe that my Roach Hunting is as exciting as crab fishing in the artic.  Fer serials, it gets that real.

And when I'm without my trusty can'o'Raid, I'm not affraid to go a little old school.


I've used flipflops to stun my prey and dispose of them.

Not unheard of is the instance where I used a steak knife to defend myself against a flying cockroach that attempted to steal my dinner.  This is one lesson those roaches should learn and learn well; don't mess with my Dr Pepper - or my food.  Because I will cut you.


I'm not even against using house hold appliances.  When I was beset with the six inch hissing cockroaches I was involved in a high speed chase where the suspect took refuge in the drain of the kitchen sink.  Unfortunately the suspect didn't heed the garbage disposal sign.  Yeah.  And you just thought shot glasses were the only unfortunate mishaps involved with the dishwasher!

Also, there have been a few instances when the roaches decided to scale the wall or sneak attack me from the ceiling.  All of these have lead to me honing my skills and instincts to a fine point so that at any hour or day I am prepared to take up the great hunt for my prey.

So you see, I think that this skill has plenty of potential for pop entertainment.  Who wouldn't want to watch a little cockroach squishing action?