Earlier today I saw this shocking post on tumblr from thedailywhat about a Baptist Church that pickets soldier's funerals.  This isn't the first time that I've seen this issue come up.  This church has been at this song and dance for a while and each time I see something about them it gets me angry.

The Kansas based church pickets the funerals of soldiers, most of them have died in service to the country though some (from what I've read/seen) have also been veterans.  They picket to protest gay rights. 

They aren't picketing against the war, they're picketing about gay rights.

Before I even touch on why their actions make me angry - the correlation between the war and gay rights just doesn't make sense to me.  In responce to why they would picket funerals, the pastor replied:

"When the whole country is given over to sodomy and sodomite enablers ... the country needs this preaching."

There seems to be a disconnect of logic here.  Yes, preaching.  As a Christian - I agree with that.  However, I cannot nor would I ever approve of the method by which they go about fulfilling what could be an educational discourse of [insert positive topic].

Picketing a soldier's funeral, disrespecting the families of those who are having to say goodbye to a loved one is just cruel.  How does an act like that spread Christ?  What if those people saying goodbye to their child or sibling or parent are Christians?  How does that create a loving community of believers?  How does that win people over to your cause?

Alienating people and hurting them is not the way to have a positive discourse and convince them your way of thinking is right.  It's actually the opposite.

I know that a lot of people have and will take issue with my opinions on gay rights, and that by stating them publicly will probably mean that I'll never be certified as a pastor, but this is what I believe:

1. Religiously - from what I've researched, I cannot in good faith say that my doctrine supports homosexual relationships.
2. Politically - it's none of my damn business who you marry or what you do.

I've known gay people.  I have friends who are gay.  Heck, I've even written gay characters!  I have nothing wrong with people who ascribe to a different sexuality than what I think is 'right'.  I would never, ever dream of telling a person they were 'wrong'.  I think that since we have a separation of church and state and marriage is more like a legal contract, a joining of two functioning parts of the society machine, you should be able to marry whoever you want, and thumb your nose at anyone who says otherwise.  Yes, that's a very unpopular opinion for me to have in my conservative Christian circles, but it's what I think. 

Religiously, I have to stand by the historical-cultural context of homosexuality in the Old Testament.  I researched this because when I was in college the idea that there was an exclusion based on something as silly as sexual preference just didn't and in a lot of ways still doesn't make sense to me.  After researching it, I have to stand by the religious decision that God frowns on homosexuality.  I don't know what that translates to beyond death, I don't know if it's a deal-breaker for God, I'm just not the authority to say one way or the other.

(As a side note - if you really want to point out the OT talking about tattoos, before you do - go do some research please and then we can talk.)

After reading different articles on the picketing on CNN and NPR I'm angry and ashamed to be lumped with people who would picket soldiers funerals like that.  I'm a Christian, yes, I won't apologize for that.  I've always ascribed to a Love God, Love People mantra.  At times I know I fail, but it just boggles my mind that people who say they believe in Jesus would do something so hurtful and purposefully malicious.

I went to the Westboro Baptist Church website for all of fifteen seconds before I was too shocked and disturbed to continue reading.  They plan on picketing the school of a child who shot her mother in the head - because the child was sent by God to punish her mother.  How is this a "Christian" message?  It isn't.  The God they say is so hateful isn't the God I know.

I was driving Saturday when I had a very philisophical conversation with myself about beliefs and what I believe.

I've always been very forthcoming with what I believe; I'm a Christian, that's just how it is.  I'm probably more liberal than others, and much more accepting, but I believe in a God, a risen Savior and the presence of the Holy Spirit.  I'm not going to spoon feed you my kool-aid, and I respect the right to believe differently - but I don't shy away from talking about it - if it comes up.

So while driving I started thinking about beliefs in an arm's length kind of way.  Stepping back and looking at the trappings and rules - and you know what?  It's hard to believe in something.  I have faith because I just do, I can't explain my faith to someone who doesn't want faith, and that's difficult to deal with on the best of days.  It would be so much easier to believe that this life ends with your last breath, the last beat of your heart; you're time's up, you've had a great run of things - and now it's over.  Like the wind-up toy that no longer windes, you're done.  That would simply life so much; there wouldn't be any teetering on the precipice of right and wrong - there would just exsist a state of being, answerable to only yourself.

I've always needed rules or guidelines in my life.  I need to know where the line is because I've always struggled with balance in my life; I tend to throw myself into something and do too much of it, or consume all of it.  Books?  I read them in one sitting, and that's kind of how I treat a lot of things in my life.  I give myself over to it wholly, I want to read the finish line, have an end product, reap the rewards of having completed that task, etc.

I know I should be a 'better Christian'.  I don't go to church as much as I should.  The fact that it's hard for me to find a place where people don't stare at me and wonder what my real reason for being around is, or where people are friendly and open enough to let you into the click, or any number of other social situations.  It's not God in the church that keeps me out, it's the people.  That's a terrible mindset; we're Christians, we're not supposed to live solitary lives, but for me it's easier 'being on my own' than around others.  And that's not really a good mindset - but I also know that I'm playing with a specific hand of cards that you, my reader, probably don't know so don't judge me too harshly because you don't know the whole story.

And this leads me to the question - what makes a 'good' Christian?  I believe.  I try not to sin.  I'm not as good about reading my Bible or praying as I should be.  I'm not affraid to talk to people about what I believe, but I don't initiate that conversation very much (Okay, that's not true, I have the prophet Hosea tattoo'd on my arm and THAT gets a lot of attention and starts the conversation - so maybe I am guilty of starting the conversation....).  It would be easier for my off-balance life if I had a few simple guidelines to tell me when enough is enough, because I constantly feel like a failure because I'm not burning the candle at both ends where my faith and beliefs are concerned - and I don't know if that's a right or wrong sentiment.  I just don't know, and worrying about it makes me not want to even think about it - and then I wonder if believing in nothing at all would be better, but that's not true, because my beliefs are integral to who I am and are part of me.

I'm not looking for an answer, I'm just wanting to express this knot of thought inside my head; believing is harder that not believing at all, but without my beliefs I'm denied hope in something bigger and better than myself, so it's okay that things are a little hard sometime.  I'll figure out a balance, life will make sense, and maybe I'll realize that it's okay that I live in America, working a regular job, doing my own things - and not something more dedicated.  Sometimes I feel like a failure because I didn't try harder to be a missionary when working in a church became impossible, but I can't change the past and I can only move forward - and for now forward is right where I am headed.

((For some reason this blog is not showing up right for me. Hopefully it's just a problem on my end....))
Well this weekend was a bunch of well-I-didn't-expect-that's.  But ya know what?  It was still fun.

Friday I obviously stayed home and gardened, which I will digress immediatly into more gardening ramble....now.  OMG I had no idea things would sprout so quick! I thought it would take another day or two before I saw anything that really looked like it would make a plant.  It's been a while since I grew anything from seeds.  Anyways, several of my sugar snap peas are throwing out roots and that first little tale-tell leafy thing. I have a Sunflower that's really adamant about I-want-to-grow-NOW. I think the other ones are Johnny Jump Ups that look promising as well as several of the herbs that look like they're doing really well, but it's harder to tell with them because their seeds are so tiny so the resulting plant bits are equally as tiny.  Anyways, here are some really crappy pictures!!

Saturday was supposed to be my research day.  I posted about my like of research and how the research actually went via my other blog.  It didn't go as planned, I can say that much.  I stopped by Half Priced Books on my way home (bad idea, I know!) and sort of hit a gold mine.  I found several volumes I had been thinking about buying after at the library and two others that just looked promising.  I also bought two knitting books.  Yes!  Me - bought knitting books!  One focuses on using colors and patterns which I would like to learn.  I had sort of decided to spend the rest of a failing Saturday knitting, but a friend of mine wanted to go see Alice in Wonderland.  Long story made short, I drove all the way to Arlington - like south-west corner, lol - only to find out that the movie was sold out. Awwee!  So we saw Book of Eli instead!

Book of Eli...  Okay, so you know going into this movie that it's probably some sort of post-apocalyptic, religious  movie.  After seeing Legion I was skeptical about this one, but I had heard a few good things so I still wanted to see it - and Denzel Washington does a lot of good movies so I decided to be hopeful.  The setting was sort of Resident Evil meets I Am Legend.  It was sort of believable from what you are led to understand.  The characters were ... interesting.  You really only get inside four characters through the movie, Eli, the girl I sort of intentionally ignored, the bad guy, and the girls mom.  Can you tell I don't pay attention to names well?  Anyways, they were all pretty much okay.  The plot is that Eli is taking what is the only copy of the Bible left on earth,  west, where God told him it will be safe.  Okay, I can believe that; a hard sell to non-Christian or religious audiences but I can get that.  The really hard bit for me to accept came at the end where they do the big reveal.  I've decided to not say what it is...  I don't really think the big reveal is all that believable because he was too aware of things through the movie for that thing to be true -- though if you ignored the plausibility of it, it was a dang good kick to the evil guy.  I liked the movie.  I really did, and that surprised me.  I was pleasantly surprised.

Sunday I had decided to go to church, take the chins out to the patio and scrub their drop try.  I apparently did not set my alarm, and it was raining.  Neither of those things happened.  I did, however, get some knitting done. Here are the pictures of my headband!  Which I finished while watching Ponyo, but I'll talk about that in a moment.
So the yarn is really great and soft.  I need to get a button to sew on to really finish it, but you get the idea.  It's a headband, super fun and comfy.  Of course it's done now, when it's too warm to really wear it anymore!  Oh well, next winter, right?  I'm really proud of this!!



Right, anyways, Ponyo!  I'd posted via twitter that I had it coming in on my Netflix and a friend of mine responded that she wanted to watch it so we deiced to get together and watch it.  Now if you know anything about Miyazaki's films, they're generally a bit abstract or weird, but usually really cool!  I have heard some not-so-great opinions about it so I was ready.  However, I don't know that I was really ready for this.  Ponyo is sort of a take on The Little Mermaid, where Ponyo is the daughter of... well... I'm not quite sure what he was, but he had magic and lived under the ocean and yeah...  So Ponyo has a brush with a human and decides that she wants to be human too!  And she sort of becomes this human-chicken thing.  It was strange.  And then she becomes a human and she gets utterly obnoxious.  I think we commented more on how crazy everything was and how irresponsible the parents were and just how nutty it was and how all the characters just accepted that crazy, silly stuff was going on all around them.  I can say that Ponyo is not my favorite Miyazaki film.


We proceeded to watch bad TV that I think was Legend of the Seeker -- based off of books I hated.  Eventually - thankfully - the Oscars came on.  We were both struggling to write and outline and be productive during all of this.  The best part of the Oscar's might have been Neil Patrick Harris doing the opener.  After that I officially didn't care as much about the awards.  Now, Ben Stiller coming out as a Na'vi was awesome and I still want to know if the fishing pole bit was planned...  I will have to say, after watching the Oscars I now need to see: The Hurt Locker, The Blind Side, and The Secret of Kells.  The fun part about watching award shows, all the movies you decide that you might as well watch.


Okay, so that was my long-winded weekend that was apparently all about movies....and gardening......and knitting......and not as much about writing and books as I intended.

Okay, so there's lots of new stuff up and going on.  I've made my own website!  Nothing too fancy, but it's up and it's mine and I'm working on a customized layout/design all my own.  It's been a pain learning all this but I'm really glad now.  If you know anything about making websites or FTP servers (which is the next thing I need to learn) please, please, please feel free to email (cid@cidwrites.com), twitter(@cidwrites), or IM(aim-spazticstarfish, msn-slippersarecool, skype-cid.tyer) me.  The website is www.cidwrites.com This will change how I blog a bit.  I will very much limit how much I blog about writing and books here and save that for my website blog.  Why?  Because should I make the decision to peruse something different in the future, it would be wise to have some content and history already established.  Now what will I be perusing?  Well that's my secret.

Right now there is a lot that is rocky, and since it pertains to work and other delicate matters - I can't blog about what has me seriously stressed, so excuse me if my blogs are scattered and sparce for the next few days to months as things are sorted out.

Um, on to something more interesting!  In the wake of these stressful events, I gave myself the night off to do - whatever.  I have knitted more on the headband I showed off last night.  It's not as far along as I would like but I would imagine it will be finished by the end of the week and I will be making a decision about making another one or trying something else.  I also watched Angels and Demons, which I was really apprehensive about watching.  I think knitting while "watching" it helped a lot.  I anticipated it being a lot slower and - well - boring.  I've heard that said a lot in reference to both book and movie, but I have to say I was pleasantly surprised.  It makes me want to reread my church history books.  The Catholic church has such a vast, complicated and interesting history.  Now, I don't believe in the myths brought up by the books, but it is interesting and I have to applaud how the fact and fiction is interwoven.

Okay, so I am putting this plug in here because a) it's my friend and b) the more plugs I stick in the more times I'm put in to win the book, soooo... A good friend of mine over at Ninja vs Pirate Book Reviews did a recent interview with new author Patrick Doud.  You can read the interview here. There is also a book give-away which I will be shamelessly entering.  Good luck!

Okay, so the weekend was crazy intense, but oh so much fun!

Friday I was lazy and watched the Olympics.  I should have been cleaning.  I didn't.

Saturday Linda and I went to the SNaP Creative Writing Conference at TCC.  It was really nifty.  Now, Linda and I only stayed for the morning sessions.  There were several writing exercises we did that were really fun.  We left once they joined everyone back together to talk about TCC stuff - and went shopping.  It was lots of fun.  Didn't spend an arm and a leg, but I did get some good stuff at Macy's and Ross.  There was of course a trip to B&N where I caved and bought a book I'd eyed the cover and back synopsis of a few weeks ago.  I impulse bought another Beauty and the Beast novel to feed my obsession.  I think I spent the rest of Saturday night watching the Olympics... I did go to bed early, however, because I was really exhausted for some reason.

Sunday, today, I got up far too early, and continued to lay in bed until I had to get up for church.  After church I scurried home and got ready for everyone to come over for Crafty Day.  Now, the catch with Crafty Day was that today was also the gold medal round of the men's hockey where USA faced off against Canada.  I let everyone know it was going to be on, and lets just say it was a riot!  I mean come on, what's not funny about seven girls, wielding knitting needles yelling and screaming at the TV??  I really pity my neighbors.  There was a *lot* of yelling.

When the game was finally over Alice taught me how to read knitting patterns and several of the little abbreviations and what they  meant.  I failed at the first pattern, a headband with some issues on the numbers and finally gave up on it in favor of another pattern, which I am glad to say is still going strong.  I'm probably 25% of the way through it .... I think.  I will update on it later.

For now, however, I am exhausted and going to bed.  Tomorrow is Monday.  Hopefully it's nice to me.

Wheee!  So I totally passed up buying a Beauty and the Beast novel that focused on a modern day version from the perspective of the beast - because I found a copy of Beauty by Robin McKinley! I check the Borders we do our weekly crit group at every so often to see if they have any other McKinley books in that I don't own already - and this week there were two copies of Beauty that were not there before! I was very happy.  And we finished the group early enough there was plenty of time to go wandering around.  Which considering it was Suzan, Linda and I was a bad thing.  I'm far too easily encouraged to buy - and Suzan and Linda are all too willing to suggest - especially Suzan!  I bought a book called The Princetta, which is a story about a princess turned pirate.  That's all I needed to know to buy it....

I'm very excited about what my fellow critique group is writing and I look forward every week to seeing their stories unfold.  I'm still focused on finishing The Barking Dog before I bring any more chapters, which means at best another month or two before I'm really ready.  But that's okay!

Progress is being made in that quarter as well.  I'm coming to the close of the section which will mark a big achievement in my opinion.  I hope that next month, despite my mom's race and the quickly populated weekends I will be able to write more focused than this month.

I'm still pumped from reading The God Engines and driving home I puzzled through some other points of the book that left me thinking.  It's a fascinating read!  I'm going to read another McKinley book, Spindle's End, next.  I'm starting to attempt to think through some of the other books on my shelves and put them in some sort of order of how I want to read them.  Of course I know I'll pick one up when I feel like reading it, but I should try to get through some of the others soon!!

So far this week is going by slowly, but I'm being very productive.  Wrote a bunch yesterday, got a lot of stuff done.  Finished one book, read another, wrote a really good chunk and set up the next, necessary bit.  I'm starting to think about the rest of the week.  Tomorrow night Amanda and I are going to church in Grand Prairie.  Thursday and Friday nights will be spent at home, I believe, during which I will clean and read and write in preparation for the weekend.  Saturday a bunch of us are going to TCC for a creative writing workshop and Sunday is craft day.  Lots happening, really exciting, and look - the Olympics are on!

Today did not start out well.  I woke up at 7:28 and freaked out. I usually leave my apartment between 7:30 and 7:35.  Today is also the start of a new class.  Today was not a good day to be late.  On top of this my clothes were either damp and still in the dryer or still in the washer because silly me didn't get home in time last night to do anything but catch some evening news and read some stuff and go to bed.  Also, weirdly, I wore my socks to bed and the elastic on the ankle/calf part was so tight I think it bruised me.  Oh - and I'm wearing a dress and forgot to shave my legs - but thank goodness it's one of those maxi-almost-floor-length dresses so if someone wants to stare at my ankles they'll see I didn't shave.  Sorry. I was sort of running late this morning.  *sigh*

Okay, so I don't remember whose blog I read it on but it is vastly true that the recent mess with Amazon and Macmillan is really hurting the authors that fall under the M-Umbrella.  There are a number of people who discuss that at length and much better than insignificant me will, however, I can tell you about what I'm going to do!  I went through their website today, more specifically the new releases and I've picked out - oh - seven book - I want.  Now I can't possibly buy seven new releases, I'm scraping the bucket this week, but I can buy two or three to do what I can to help out.  The ones I really want are Zeus: King of the Gods, a graphic novel by George O'Connor to feed my current Greek mythology addiction.  It's not really a brand new release; it was released in January, but I figure the guy still needs sales.  I used to read a lot of historical fiction; not so much anymore unfortunately.  The Forgotten Legion by Ben Kane looked interesting and promising, so it has a big star by it's name.  And, to feed another guilty pleasure - a vampire novel; not just a vampire novel, but a vampire and werewolf novel!  Touch of Evil by T. Adams and Cathy Clamp.  Hey - it's research to see if I really want to keep shelving my vampire story idea!!

The stupid thing torments me.  Yesterday I had some great ideas for it that I wrote down on my little notepad and filed away to type up later when I have time.  I also had some good ideas for some other stuff, but none that irritate me like a story I don't think I want to write because everyone is writing vampire stories!  At least this morning while driving to work I came up with a really neat twist to another idea I've had, but started out as a fanfic idea I couldn't write because the author expressly says on their website: do not write fanfics!  So I'm really happy to have worked it so it's new and original but with the same overarching issues and problems.  The new ideas I had for it are super nifty to me at least and I like them so I'll scribble them down and file them away for later.

I am seriously considering starting on another project that maybe a short story or a short novella length work.  It's romancy in nature, which is strange for me, but is very Christian in nature and is derived from a huge game of "What if....?" that I played once with someone I used to know.  I have struggled with how similar the FMC is to me and how to make her less like me - but I don't know that I can and not completely change aspects of the story.  Then again I have to accept that the idea came from my own personal, on the fly decisions about what I think I would choose to do if certain things happened to me.  Going to snag a few people for brainstorming help on this one and see where it takes me.

Is it just me, or am I slowly starting to just talk about books and writing ideas and stuff?  I really do other things.... Like tonight I'm going to church!  I just stand at a computer and check kids in and hand them an adhesive name-tag and smile and say something witty (if I'm lucky) but more often than not I'm just hopelessly silly.

Oh hey! I just realized today that the Super Bowl is sometime this weekend.  Wow....

And yet MORE drama! Well, it was coming eventually.  So far I've only seen one tweet about it and two articles from Cult of Mac, nothing that puts things in concrete terms to me - yet.

Annnddd now I've typed my lunch away.  Today is getting better!!!

Okay, so as relaxed as my weekend was - this was not so in the rest of the world.  I'll touch on that in the end.  :)

Friday - hockey game - we won!!! Spent this with my friend Amanda.

Saturday was like... make up for all of the time I haven't made the edits my critique group suggested.  I spent the day at Barnes and Noble critiquing and rewriting stuff.  I wrote about 4K, added some really nifty stuff and am still very excited about my writing process. Oh - and I bought books.  Yes, I know I said I shouldn't - but I did!  I bought Becky Levin's book The Writing & Critique Group Survival Guide (this time I smartly copied and pasted that, because even though I try, I keep getting the title wrong!  I'm sorry!!!!)  I also got Sunshine and I think Rose Daughter... Crud. I can't remember!!!!!!  Oh well, both Robin McKinley books!  Other than that, I didn't do anything really useful Saturday; just reading and writing - but I loved it!

Sunday was mostly a useless day. I took out the trash! And did dishes! Watched 500 Days of Summer and went to a hockey game - again - only we lost this one  :(

Today I need to be very useful.  I need to do laundry, change the Chinchilla cage, clean, clean and clean, and hopefully revise and pretty much rewrite the next scene because I had some great ideas for it.

I have also decided I dislike my planner. I want a small monthly view calendar and I want to be done with this almost useless one I have now.  I think I saw one at BnN that fits what I want that if I get everything done as I need to this week, I just may treat myself to.  Ug - and have I mentioned that buying into the BnN membership thing has made me want to go and use it more? Because I really do need to make sure I get my money's worth!!!!

This week should be the normal type of busy.  Tonight being domestic, with some knitting time thrown in, tomorrow Critique Group, Wednesday church Thursday the Book Club - where I give my unfavorable review of the book everyone else loved and I - ah - didn't, and Friday I hope to hang out with people, go to movies and clean like crazy for Friday - because Saturday is Write Your @ss Off Day!!!!!

And on to the DrAmA!!!!!!!

I think I've become a real-life-drama-nut.  Like, I really like reading about crazy stuff that really happens, except this news isn't really the giddy type, it makes me sit back and grimace and think.  The thing this weekend is the whole Amazon vs Macmillan debacle, which can reasonably be said to happen as a result of Apple debuting the iPad.  Everyone has an opinion, everyone thinks this way or that; I'm erring on the side that neither are really right, but I agree far more with Macmillan than Amazon.  Now, you can read the full release from Macmillan here on the free edition of Publishers Lunch.  And then there was Amazon's rebuttal and subsequent removal of all Macmillan titles.  Nathan Bransford posted a blog this morning explaining the whole mess; he always has a lot of really good stuff to say and plays connect the dots with stuff.  I thought Scott Westerfeld posted a really interesting and insightful blog about the whole mess, and I think I agree with him on most points.  However, over at Fiction Matters, they posted an article that is more favorable to Amazon.  I'm sorry, but I just have a hard time with the seller dictating the price of what the publisher can sell their product for.  All in all, I'm reading everything and it's fascinating! If it also makes me sad.

Anyways, lunch is over!  Still plugging away at Girl w the Dragon Tattoo!

I realize that unless I start my week out rather organized, the rest of it won't go well.  You see, most Mondays have some activity and then Tuesdays and Wednesdays are a blur of activity so nothing around my apartment gets done.  The trash won't get taken out.  The dishes won't get done.  If I leave laundry in the dryer it won't move.  Sunday night I had better get the rest of my life in order!  LoL.  I did pretty well this week, however there are still dishes from Sunday and the trash is close to overflowing and well... the laundry was in there before Sunday so that's my own fault!

Today I am slightly frustrated with myself for completely controllable reasons.  I've been going to church, but not really attending it.  My responsibilities keep me there and my dedication to not miss out on those hold on to me - but sometimes I wonder if I'm really paying attention?  I'm not doing enough - and sometimes I'm not doing any - personal devotion time.  However when I do go to church I see right where the message is going and I have the uncanny habit to pick out how it's going to get there; I get the mentality I guess.  It's not a bad thing, but I like to be surprised, I like to be challenged intellectually - and I don't.  And it's not the church's fault - it's my own.  I should do more for pushing myself to learn more.  I have the idea to write some spiritual things in the future, and I'm wondering if I shouldn't start on the research, because giving my research the purpose could force me to develop the habit of researching.  Hope that makes sense, LoL.  I need a Saturday to go back to SAGU and spend in the library ferreting out the most useful books and making book lists or notes.

I don't know. I have a general frustrated feeling today.  I feel like today will be a good day, I'm just frusterated for the time being.  And I'm frustrated that I can't spell frusterated.  LoL.  I want to put an 'e' in there!!!!!!  I think I bring this on myself by having expectations for myself that are either high, or impossible.  No one can be perfect.  On author Don Miller's blog, he talked about how Denmark was one of the happiest countries in the world - because they have low expectations.  Now, I'm not saying I need to put aside all aspirations, but maybe I need to reevaluate some of them.  I know I went into college with the idea I would change the world, that I would make a difference, lead a revolution - and I can't do any of that it seems.  It's depressing, but it's also unrealistic.  I think I have this idea in my head that there's a job I was put on earth to do and I have to throw myself at everything until I figure it out - but what I might not have realized was that I was put on earth to be.  Just to Be.  Sure, in being here there are things that come with it, and I'm talking spiritually within the context of my own beliefs, and then the additional load of what I have to do because of the way we have developed in this world.

I'm not satisfied with this answer; I'm a Do'er.  I need to Do things.  I need to Be something.  But maybe I also need to slow down and realize there's more to life than Being or Doing something.  I'm not sure what I'm saying, but I'm saying I'm unhappy sometimes and I'm trying to muddle through the why's.  I feel like in saying all of this I'm failing someone; my parents? Society? They all tell us to go do something with our lives when we're younger.  If I pick out a path that makes me happier in my life, but also doesn't change the world, will that be okay? Am I failing myself? The world? I don't know!  I'm getting more frustrated writing this, but only with myself.  For some reason I can't seem to be happy with the idea of just doing stuff.  I'm dissatisfied and I don't know what to do about it.

So what do you do when you feel dissatisfied with yourself? Or life?

---

So I rarely finish a blog and publish it - mostly for this very reason.  I like blogs. I know I'll read a blog if it's in my blogroll because I only keep what I like there, and I like reading stuff.  I stumbled across this blog/website and while it's a simple scripture and paragraph - I think it's what I need to hear; keep it simple stupid.

The One Thing.

This has been an enjoyable weekend.  Origionally I was going to be volunteering for church and thus the entire weekend would have most likely been a blur of which I would only now be returning home to collapse into bed until tomorrow.  Instead, Friday I went with my friends to see Leap Year; a new romatic comedy about a girl who goes to Dublin, Ireland to propose to her boyfriend and meets an Irish man who - well - I'll let you play connect the obvious dots.  Cute, funny, but most of all I liked the question the Irish man posed to the girl.  If a fire happened and you had sixty seconds to grab whatever was most important to you - what would you grab?  And she learns the truth.

Saturday was a day of accomplishments! I got up and did stuff, I seem to recall washing some dishes and writing a bit before heading out to the mother-ship of Half Priced Books in Dallas where I quite literally walked around lost for about an hour before the rest of the year-round-writing-group showed up; by this point I had a stack of six books and was walking around rather wide-eyed.  They politely collected me and we seized some tables in the meeting room and set to - well - socializing.  I was a bad participant and spent half of the time talking to Suzan and Criss, found out about this program called SuperNoteCard..... I feel like my plotting life has just grown simpler by leaps and bounds!!!!! I even managed to finish rewriting all of chapter one!! I'm so excited about that - I feel like with chapter one done, I can go through the rest of it!  I even made a half-hearted attempt at starting chapter two, got a little ways into it and stalled - there were more books to go look at!!

I bought the following:

• The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini - I've heard things about this book, seen it everywhere, might as well read it, right?
• The Stupidest Angel by Chris Moore - yes, another Moore book for my shelf.  He's so funny!  I'm going to save this for after NaNo this year.
• Grim Tuesday by Garth Nix - I bought the first book in this series and have yet to read it.  It was only $2.50 so I couldn't see why I shouldn't buy it.
• Swords of Ice and Other Tales of Valdemar AND Crossroads and Other Tales of Valdemar both edited by Mercedes Lackey - Okay, I'm slightly addicted to the world of Valdemar, not going to lie, and I haven't even seen these anywhere else.  Figured it was worth it!
• The Wish, Ella Enchanted and The Two Princesses of Bamarre by Gail Carson Levine - These will all be quick, easy reads, but really good I think.  She's such a good writer!

Gotta love HPB!

Today has been a lazy day.  I'm slowly cleaning with the goal of eventually going to Wal-Mart and getting something to store wrapping paper in and get the tree down finally.  I'm still working on the same scarf, taking it as I go.  I unfortunately realized Friday that my Netflix were all still on the coffee table - and have all been watched with the exception of one I'm really not interested in watching.  I thought I sent them off like Tuesday - but apparently I have failed myself!  *sigh* Whatever will I do!!  Maybe go see Book of Eli tonight.....

I think it's pure stubbornness I'm wearing my dress today.  I bought it before Christmas but it was just too cold and pointless for me to wear anything other than jeans to work.  It's a brown dress, which is even more pure novelty considering I don't particularily like brown or wearing it - but this one has a design of blue colored teardrop and semi-nike-swish things that go absurdly well with my blue cashmere sweater that - well - I kinda felt super compelled to buy it.  And thankfully the weather is copaerating and it's warm enough to wear it so today is a good day.  I'm also feeling much better!  I think that tomorrow I will push myself to get up and exercise.  I put it off on the weekend and yesterday for not feeling well at all, but I think tomorrow morning I will be pretty well off.

Last night I lay awake in bed and contemplated a new prologue for Suspicion and I penned out a few paragraphs I think I will have the critique group read.  I'm rather thrilled with the idea as well as expanding the novel to include various bits from other characters perspective other than the female main characters.  I think it will help the reader fully understand the complex plot that was just lost on the first draft.  Lots of nothing happened and then in a few thousand words everything happened and left even my head spinning for how in hades it all came to a point besides the fact that green is a very suitable color.

I was reading Brandon Sanderson's blog, oh my, yes - blogs, and the whole thing about his books being made into movies intreigued me.  I've sort of been forcing myself to ignore that he writes anything other than Wheel of Time but I do believe I will have to read his books, and at the current rate I am devouring printed pages of stuff I should easily be able to do that - later this year.  Heck, I started Robin McKinley's book The Hero and the Crown last night; I probably haven't read it since Jr High.  I can't believe I haven't read it between then and now - it's such a crime!  I will probably also finish it tonight or today or something impossible like that because I just could not sleep despite how exhausted I was so why not read?  (and of course between the time I wrote that line this morning and now after work, I finished the book.)

Perhapse I need to be interested in thicker books.  Then I would spend more than three days reading it.  It's a little exciting to move on from a book so quickly, but it's also a bit of a let down.  I wish they lasted me longer, but I am glad to have read them.  I'm going to force myself to hold off reading The Blue Sword until tomorrow.  I believe my current plan is very much to not go to church tomorrow because my fever has yet to leave me and the headache is still permanently wrapped around my head so that even after ingesting drugs to dull it - it's still just there outside of sight and hearing like.

So I leave work very soon and I'm going to go on to the Borders where we have critique group at instead and probably eat some soup at McAllisters and piddle around on the next scene of Suspicion and force myself to be yet more productive today.  Ug, and I must also get food for that little varmet the rabbit - and it needs fresh bedding.  I ached and hurt so bad last night I almost didn't clean the Chin cage, but I did.  I don't have the right bedding for the rabbit.  The rabbit gets expensive, absorbant stuff.  That's what happens when the animal actually sits in their bedding; they get the better stuff.  My Chins, who have a tray that slides out of the bottom of their cage, can have cheapy crushed corn stuff that absorbs and whatnot and so long as I am mindful of changing it every few days works rather well.  However, I'm starting to feel that their cage isn't getting really clean and I'd like nothing more than a chance to hose it down and scrub it - but where do I put the Chins while I do this?  I'm pondering over this question and browsing CraigsList.  People are bound to have cages they don't need anymore, what with small children learning the responsibility of an animal isn't all that glamerous.

I cannot pretend the weekend started out well.  Um, okay, so at the beginning it was fun but stuff happens, eh?  Friday I got off work and went and read The Last Olympian at BandN before going home.  However, I couldn't leave BandN without Redeeming Love, the book club book actually having being bought and since it was on one of those so very temping Buy 2, Get the 3rd FREE tables, I also got Maus Book I and The Zombie Survival Guide. They did not have Lament, which someone got me interested in, but that is probably for the best.  I am convinced the BandN by my apartment isn't the best.

My friend was supposed to go to a movie with me but we both got finished with what we'd been doing so late it just wasn't practical so we mutually decided - some other time would be better.  I then get in a heated argument with one person - okay, it was heated on my side.  Things were being launched at me that were personal and I got angry and said something I shouldn't have. No, it wasn't profane, just inappropriate - I was just rather upset.  A friend enters the conversation and starts telling me to be nice. Me - when I was the one standing up for myself.  This isn't the first time this person has pointed fingers at me when things turn heated so naturally it only made the situation worse because yet again I was of course the bad guy here for standing up for myself.  I think me being a girl and getting stupidly emotional about stuff is much to blame.

Saturday - ug - I woke up at 7:30.  My body really wanted to be up, but I was still rather exhausted.  Oh well.  I got up and went to Wal-Mart where there were hardly any people before noon and the cashiers were even standing around without lines.  It was rather incredible!  I bought all of the things to make cake-pops and was startled by actually finding lollipop sticks and five different colors of melt.  I was very thrilled that for my first attempt I wouldn't have to go searching around.  Anyways, enough about cake-pops. I have a whole blog devoted to the endeavor after all!

The youth group volunteer meeting was good, and I sort of met some of the other people but mostly talked to Brandy who I met Wednesday night.  I didn't stay for church; just wasn't feeling real well and for some reason I started feeling really depressed.  Don't ask me why; I can only assume it's due to female chemistry and bits from last night.  I know I take things too personally - it maybe my biggest fault.  Being told some of those things - if irrational - stick to me and I'll just have to deal with it.  If I weren't the way I am I wouldn't be me so I'm sure I'll be fine, that night just sort of sucked.  Worked on the cake-pops some more before abandoning the idea of finishing them and instead started Redeeming Love. Right now, 100+ pages into it - I hate it.  I really want to just put it down and not go on.  There are other books on my shelf of to-reads that I know I'll love.  That are on my master list of very important things to read in 2010.  Oh well.

Sunday - woke up not feeling well but I have cake-pops to do so took some medicine, had a small sit down breakfast and got to work!  The cupcake pops get the most layers so I started those first with the brown.  Learned I probably made those all too bit but I salvaged many more than I lost so I guess it all works out.  Home Group was good - apparently I missed the big church wide fast thing as well as getting the book we're going to be working through.....oopse.

Started feeling more sickly Sunday night and today's not been a whole lot better.  The day sort of passed in a blur.  I at least finished The Dreaded Book.

So I think my body finally revolted against me for this last month and some change; I took some medicine Thursday to chase my headacheyness away and the general ickyness was easy enough to ignore with people here.  Between getting off work, running to have my tires rotated and aired, snagging some "necessary" Wii accessories at Best Buy and having people over for The Office ritual and hooking up the Wii - I was rather distracted.  It was super fun, don't get me wrong, but at around 11pm I realized I was not feeling up to anything and when people left I laid on the couch, fully intending to fall asleep right there - but the pounding in my head and the prevailing icky feeling won over and kept me awake until around 4am.  I amused myself by dying repetitively at the Wii Mario game that apparently just came out.  I am terrible at video games, but it's entertaining enough.

I slept until around noon on Friday after calling in just because the lack of sleep and general sickyickyness was bad and sort of slugged around.  The dishes are almost, almost done from the party on Sunday.  I finally finished them up today - today being Sunday again.  Yeah.

Friday not a lot happened; I believe Alicia came over and we watched movies, played Wii and I wrapped presents and did a little bit of stuff - but not a whole lot really. Saturday was a good shopping day, the last bit of shopping got wrapped up today and I think except for the book club gift I'm done.  Yesterday Alicia went with me to church and then we went over to Amanda's house and played Gin Rummy for like ever; it was a lot of fun and I got to pick up some Chicken Express on the way and give Amanda's mom her new crock pot to replace the one we destroyed at my party. That's not a story I'm sharing for self preservation reasons!

Today has been good; I made myself get up before noon, did the last bit of holiday shopping, got some stuff for myself - as is usual in December - and now I'm home and have sucessfully cleaned the Chin cage, taken out one load of trash, and have the presents laid out on my floor for wrapping.  Home Team is next on the list and then we'll see where the day takes me!

And yes, Christmas makes me want to have children to spoil and share in the magic of Christmas; I really do like giving presents and making other people happy during the holidays.

I'm probably too tired to be writing anymore words, but that's not sticking in my brain right now.  I think it's Sunday - actually - I know it's Sunday because I just checked to make sure.  This weekend has been busy, but thankfully not as busy as I had feared.  Friday I hung out with Amanda's family and knitted.  I had to put aside the project I was working on for Sam as I realized I'd pretty much forgotten my co-workers birthday and the thing I thought she would really like was a scarf.  So I'm working on an angel-hair scarf in what I would call Academy Green.  This is the color we wear to trade-shows and what our instructors wear when on site at a clients place.  It's a pale green color and impossibly soft.  Very fun  :)

Saturday I had big plans for - which included a trip to Ikea and grocery shopping and lots of stuff.  Little of it happened.  Woke up too late to go to Ikea.  I went to go to Ross - the line was stretched to the back of the store. Went to go grocery shopping and the whole dang parking lot was full.  However, I did go to church and worked in the coffee shop. It was okay.  It's not as fun as my last coffee gig, but it was cool.

I went to the NaNoWriMo kickoff around 10pm, and set up my stuff and chit-chatted with the people there.  The ML (group leader) expected about 15-20 people and around 50 showed up.  We were packed in there like sardines, it was fun! People wore costumes, we did hourly contests to see who could write the most in ten minutes and whatnot.  I almost won one of the word wars - almost!  I wrote until about 5:20am (the correct 5:20 am after the time change) and realized I was far to exhausted to continue, had something just over 6,000 words and called it a night - but didn't sleep until almost 7am. 

My alarm went off at noon and I got up to putter around my place for like an hour before making cinnamon rolls and intending to write - that was almost immediately derailed by my friend texting me to say that the latest Tool Academy episode aired early so of course I ran over to her place to see it. After that it was Home Group and then grab some food and head home to log in 2,000 more words to finish off tonight a little over 8,000. I'd hoped for more, but I've nicely doubled my expected word count for today, which was originally 4,000.  Well, now it is 10pm and I'm by no means making much sense so I'm going to go to sleep.

It's getting close to 2am and I still cannot sleep.  It hasn't been anywhere near as crazy a weekend as I anticipated it would be, but it was still kinda crazy.  Friday was the Halloween party and it was really awesome.  I had fun hanging out with people and rocking my awesome Bearded Lady costume.  Yes, I was the Bearded Lady!  It went over surprisingly well, I was pleased.  Many people were jealous of my amazing carpet.  I sort of felt achy and soar throatish, but considering the best place to be was out on the patio because the house was so packed, I chalked it up to being outside and having to yell over music and people to have a conversation. 

Woke up Saturday and well - I was really sick.  I felt awful, took medicine and sort of meandered around the place, putting stuff away and making a pitiful attempt at cleaning up my place.  Canceled working at the church and hanging out with people to just curl up on my couch and try to feel better.  I didn't get any sewing done at all, which was a huge bummer, I didn't feel up to messing with it at all.  I did get dishes washed and some other stuff done.

Today was the NaNo party.  I got up in time to get ready to go and make it there on time.  I must have taken my cold medicine too soon because I was a bit over-medicated and super loopy for most of the party - which was a bummer.  The party was fun, we ate stuff and talked, met people, and played a fun genre game.  Getting really excited for NaNo!  I downloaded this program called yWriter, which is supposedly a word processor for writing books.  I don't think I will be writing my actual novel in it, but the organizational parts of it are great and really help me.  It's free so I've downloaded it and I'm outlining more of my story, thinking some of it through and what not, setting up a more detailed out line.  I also setup a Dropbox, which will be useful for synchronizing my laptop to any other computer that has a Dropbox.

After the party I went over to my friend Kara's place and we hung out.  Got to watch the latest Tool Academy - the Tool I wanted to see gone finally got the boot.  I know who I want to see win.  We'll see how it all shakes loose.

I'm going to try sleeping soon, but I'm not sleepy and feel crappy.

Yes, I changed my layout - again! The Halloween one was getting on my nerves and just looked silly.  No, this one isn't tons better but I like it more and yes, the banner is silly and I did make it myself.  For Facebook readers just imagine fun pictures around these words, kay?  :)

I'm going to point to InkyGirl again today, she clued in on a 60-second-writing tool that I'm very interested in trying out later.  Right now I don't have the concentration to stay dedicated to one thought for that long.  (It's taken me several attempts to write this much today).  Also, my pastor's wife, Lisa Young was on the the Today Show, yesterday and he blogs about it here.  The interview is very short, if you fast forward through where they talk about other prominant women in the Christian community, but it's good and reminds me why I like them even though I've never met either.

They bring up an interesting point - how working women are much less likely to attend church while women who do attend church are more likely to not be in the workplace.  I'm not sure what that says as far as a social dynamic, but I find it interesting.

In completely unrelated news! I picked out yarn for a friend's scarf - now he doesn't know what colors so there won't be pictures of it until the scarf is finished and ready for delivery/pick-up.  I'm going to try something a bit different with this one and that is knitting it in a circle.  I've read over on The Well-Dressed Hedgehog about her experiences knitting in the round and I've looked at some other things so we'll see how I manage.  I think it'll be okay, but I'm also thinking I need two more skiens of yarn... I didn't think I'd get to it until Saturday but after a frusterating night last night I started it and did about six rows, so it's at least started.  It won't get a lot of attention though until after I finish The Dress.  I'm also just going to give in and pay for knitting lessons, though it'll be more like December or January before I make the effort because there's just too much going on during November and I have enough scarves I can knit to keep my knitting itch satisfied.

Tonight, after the block party for finishing the updates at my apartment complex - I started the charge to finish the bridesmaid dress I've been stalling over.  It's time I finish it and get my apartment back to looking nice - and not like a hobo lives there! I also need to do t-shirt surgery on my NaNoWriMo shirt since it's far too large to be much fun wearing and our kick-off is on Sunday.  I will be baking cookies and maybe a cake if I feel like going and looking at fun pans and getting all the necessary items for that - which probably means no cake!  I have a lot of stuff going as it is for the next month!

Anyways, the dress... I decided that I didn't want to run the thread through the fabric where you would see it in order to hem the dress, so I cut another piece of the plum poplin and made a facing out of it.  I am at a loss for words how to describe it easily to someone who doesn't know anything about sewing so I'm going to pretend everyone knows what I'm talking about...  So the facign was a TERRIBLE idea to add; for some reason it makes everything lay funny, it won't sit right, and it makes the straps and zipper difficult to deal with.  I absolutly hate the straps that come with the pattern; they are designed to have a slight curve to them, the idea is that the curve will help them stay up and on the shoulders easier.  On me, while the inner edge of the strap is flush with my skin, the outside part of the strap is an inch to an inch and a half above my shoulder.  It looks silly.  I did - however - manage an amazing zipper job so I'm bummed about loosing that sucess to the fact that I'll have to rip out the facing and straps.  (The zipper must come out because the facing connects to it.  I *can* only rip out the top part and resew only that little bit - we'll see)

For a while I was agonizing over making the bodice fit snugly, but then stepped back and realized that the dress has a billowy figure anyways, so having the bodice fit like a glove and the rest loose and flowy was silly.  There's enough shape to the bodice that me having difficulty breathing is silly.  Plus, without the facing, if I really feel the need, I can always tack in the side seams a hair. 

As tonight is the Halloween party and my magnificant costume, it's going to be Saturday until I can finish the dress, and I'm going to push myself to do just that.  Finish the dress and clean the place.  If I can't finish my latest novelette like I'd planned before NaNo, I'm going to finish this stinking dress!  It also needs to be dry-cleaned I believe, there's some strange spots on the poplin that I have no idea where they came from and now I'm too nervous about it to just wash it outright in my own washer.

I feel like talking hermeneutics, now I'm not doing a whole lot of research as I type this, I'm just sort of talking out of my own experiences and studies here so I may get some terms crossed; hermeneutics and exegesis were used almost interchangibly in some of my experiences.  Hermeneutics, which I misspell regularly, is basically interpreting the Bible; a few years before I took Hermeneutics at SAGU they changed it to Biblical Interpretation or Interpreting the Bible, I forget - but it wasn't called Hermeneutics and I was sort of bummed.  I wanted to be all fancy and say, "Oh, excuse me, I have to get to Hermeneutics now."  Not really, that was a silly statement.  Anyways, Hermeneutics - I would have liked to have taken further classes in it but the offerings in the Undergrad Program were a little sparce.  Basically what it is is looking at a passage of scripture, I think we went through Psalm 1 in that class, and bringing out the historical context of the passage, extracting the central idea of the text - or principal, and communicating that by bridging the gap of time and culture.

You see, the Bible was written as instruction, letters, documents, journals, and other forms at the point of conception.  It was written during a specific time and place and to a person or people who were dealing with very real circumstances.  Using commentaries on the scripture, books on the historical period of the writing, and other texts, crossreferencing a passage you can begin to get more understanding of what was really being communicated.  The English language is much, much different from the origional languages the Bible was written in and some things just do not translate well at all, which is unfortunate.  In our language we have only one real word for love - love.  You can "love" someone, and depending on body language, connotations of culture and intention it can mean a world of different things.  That's about as far as we can get.  In the Bible there are several different ways of saying love, each communicating something different that is lost when all are simply translated as love.  "I love you," coming from God as opposed to a spouce is very different, just as in saying, "I love you," to your child is very different from telling your morning cup of coffee you love it.  Also, somethings were written to a people who were living in other cultures, lost or imprisoned or persecuted and that doesn't really communicate to every day America very well.

The key comes in looking at the different elements of a passage, really understanding the setting and people and mood, and then figure out the main idea, or the BIG idea of what was being communicated.  Often it should be condensed into one, simple sentence a person can communicate to another easily.  Lets take tattoos since people always like to quote that at me.  In Leviticus the writer was writing to the Hebrews who were living among a people who tattood themselve in memory and worship of their ancestors - thus when the Hebrews began doing this they were participating in ancestor worship - which is a no-no.  For a long time women were not allowed to uncover their heads in church - they had to wear hats.  That was because in the Old Testament it was considered offensive because woman came from man and was man's glory where man was God's glory.  Women covering their heads was a sign of respect, except it became twisted and for hundreds of years a woman with an uncovered head was very, very taboo.  The writer of Leviticus was reminding the Hebrews that they served one God and should not fall into idolitry.

Learning how to communicate the Bible to modern culture is difficult and many flounder and fail - but not for a lack of trying.  Digesting the Bible, researching and finding out what it really says is a long and very labor intensive process; I personally love it! I love learning new stuff - it's fascinating!  Combing through all of that information for the real nugget of what the writer was trying to communicate can take a very, very long time because you're looking for the main thing, not for the thing you want to talk about or promote.  Communicating timeless principals takes time and great care.  We had to read a book called Preaching with Freshness in my Biblical Preaching class and it was amazing; the author really communicated a dry subject with color and life that made me want to follow his lead.  Exegetical preaching is my favorite.  I really like how hermeneutics and exegesis work together to dig out the "meat" and serve it piping hot.

My last semester at SAGU I was asked to preach for Campus Days, and I remember being so honored and flattered.  I spent hours upon hours combing over the message I was going to give - fully aware that everyone expected something of me.  I know people were expecting me to have power point, video, props, people, and maybe a skit - so when I went up there with a few sheets of paper, a duct-taped Bible and just a mic at least half of the audience of 5,000 probably wondered what had happened with me.  Sometimes those are good ways to communicate what you want to say - but I had something to say that didn't need those - that would only be a distraction.  I can still remember the title of the message, "Today is the Tomorrow that we Worried About Yesterday."  Yeah, try saying that a bunch of times.  The idea I wanted to communicate was something alone the lines of: what are you really thinking about? Stop and smell the roses.  I had three points and I took extra time and revamped my message so that I spoke to the visiting highschool kids, the student body, the visiting ministers, and the faculty of the college.  I remember the hours I spent with teachers on the research, how many times I practices and asked oppinions and when it was all said and done - I still go back to school and people remember what I said.  It's sort of freaky - I don't mind being in front of people, but I don't need it.  Instead I choose to be flattered that I really did my homework; that I studeied the text, I figured out the Big Idea, and I communicated it to exactly where my audience was in such a way that it impacted them, or they were able to carry it away with them to chew on later.

I think what bothers me so much about some of the things I've seen on blogs and twitter over the last two or three days is that people aren't carrying with them the pieces they've heard - or they aren't even hearing them communicated in such a manner that they can be digested.  I think too many people who do bother to go to church are hearing a lot of stuff they just can't understand or connect to.  I think that's one reason why my church is growing and continues to be so big; our pastor speaks to where people are.  I'm not a huge fan of topical messages, and sometimes I feel like I'm not hearing enough heavy stuff, but I also have to keep in mind that I want to talk origional languages, history, context and root meanings - not everyone is into that sort of stuff.

Really I feel like too many people miss the big picture: Love God, Love People.  That was my old church's motto, so much the youth pastor got it tattoo'd on him, twice I think!  Far too much time is spent worrying over what books or music is acceptable or what people look like - focusing too much on what's out side and not enough on what's inside.  I love to sit and talk to people; I've had some of the most fascinating conversations talking to people at places like Buffalo Wild Wings while my friends drank a beer and I sipped on my water and we talked God.  People don't want to be hussled or yanked about like our parents and grandparends were; I don't know if the play Heaven's Gates and Hell's Flames would be as sucessful now as it was then - the scare tactics aren't as scary as the Saw series, or Quarantine or any other horror/thriller.  I really feel that people need to be communicated to like adults, and not have things dumbed down so much.  Telling people they're living in sin or doing sinful things entices no guilt in today's culture.

Yes, I'm poking my finger at a lot of stuff that has me sort of ranting and whatnot.  There are no quick fixes; denominations are too far estranged or entrinched over their doctrines, people are living their lives to some degree of happiness and the world continues to turn on in time.  I just needed to vent my frusterations, again.

Okay - so I'm going to promote some other blogs really quick.

First up, Criss - a fellow NaNo'r and a local ML - posted this small blog and video on how to confront racism, or sexism or whatever it is that's going on in a very tactful manner.  I think it's good advice and something many people wouldn't clue in on that a person's actions might not define their person and there are better ways to deal with something than just pointing fingers - because once a finger is pointed someone gets defensive!  I really like her blogs - you might need thick skin to read some of what she says, but I like oppinions and she's very oppinionated.  Her latest blog hit a growing frusteration in me with some of the silly things that go on in Christian culture.  InkyGirl - who I think I've mentioned often enough that everyone knows I'm a fan of her - posted a blog with a video about a Church Book Burning for Halloween, where they are burning everything from Harry Potter to Billy Grahm and all translations of the Bible save for KJV.  I won't rant on it since I did include my comments on both of those last blogs in their comments and if you're that interested in my oppinions you can read them there instead of me hammering it all out again.

Also, if you aren't familiar with the International Justice Mission I would strongly suggest poking around their site.  They posted a report about eight persons who were rescued from slavery in Chennai, India.  I really have problems reading this sort of thing and not getting upset.  I know a lot of the time I kick myself for having such a tender response to stories like this, but I just can't help it.  They do a lot of work internationally to get rid of slavery, human trafficking and a lot of other things that people might not realize we can change.

Lastly, a story that made me cry.  I refuse to not feel moved by stories of people who are in the military and their experiences.  I still cry every night when they run through the lists of people who have been killed overseas in the last few months and every time they do a story on someone locally who was killed during their service I get really choked up and cry.  This was posted on the NaNoWriMo site a few days ago and I just read it yesterday.  It's really good to hear about how people can stick together and make it happen.  Basically this woman in the Marines was stuck doing forward pushes during NaNo and hand wrote her entire novel and through the combined efforts of her fellow Marines she was able to get her hand written novel typed up, and flown on several helicopters to be validated and registered as a NaNoWriMo winner.  I don't know why I tear up at stuff like this - but I'm at least at a point now in my life where I don't feel self conscious about admitting that this story really inspires me.  I wanna do the Time Warp.  :)

I spent the better part of the last two days with one of the worst migraines I've ever experienced.  My mother is now over reacting and thinks something is dreadfully wrong with me - because my head hurt.  I got the full gambit of questions; where did it hurt? How did it hurt? Did it hurt from the back of your head? Behind your eyes? Did you experience tunnel vision? Were colors more bright than normal?  Really.....my head hurt real bad, it pounded all over, and when it was finally gone it was gone.  That's it.  If they continue then yes, I would see a doctor, but considering it's the first time in years and years and years that this has happened - not that big of a deal! Crossing my fingers it stays away and there isn't another episode.

My calendar is looking rather full now.  Today I have my tattoo work, tomorrow is The Mix at church, Thursday is The Office, and Friday is the Homegroup Halloween Party. That's not even touching on this weekend which is Church on Saturday - don't know if I'm volunteering or anything - and Sunday is the NaNo Kick-Off Party and Patrick will be in town sometime Saturday and Sunday and I'll work in hanging out with him somewhere; not sure where but yeah.  Things are getting busy....  I'm a little worried since I've gone to such great lengths to ensure my November will be conducive to a good writing schedule and now I suddenly feel like it's all moot because I'm going to be real busy.  I really, really want to win at NaNo, I'm going to need a lot of encouragement from my Writing Buddies I think...

Oh - and now I have to come up with a Halloween costume... I don't think my SCA gown will work, and going as a Derby Diva is just sort of boring to me.  I'm starting to fret about that - and it's only a few days away! I wonder if I could sew something....Or what would I sew if that's what I wanna do?  *fretsfretsfrets*  I GOT IT! Oh my goodness - my costume will blow your mind.  Look for pictures next week!

Okay, this isn't my best morning, especially to undertake something like write a blog which involves me thinking back through the last few muddled hours to whatever I did whenever - but I'm gonna do it!

Treated myself to a small shopping trip to Target and got more than I intended, but I'm super happy with everything I bought - so that's a good thing, right?  I hope so - I've already worn most of the stuff I bought! LoL.  Got to see Couple's Retreat Friday with Amanda and Sarah - unfortunatly it was a bit of a disappointment; I'd expected funnier by far.  There were some very funny parts and plenty of chuckles to go around, but not the deep insanity I felt the movie had been capable of.  Oh well, there are several other movies that are out or coming out I want to see so there's something else to look forward to!

Saturday I thought would be more productive.  I got up at a reasonable hour and did some cleaning up of the apartment.  Not enough, honestly, but it was Saturday morning! I do recall finishing my brothers scarf, which is quite longer than I thought I'd make it, but oh well!  I watched Dragonball Evolution; I really don't recall putting it on my Netflix or even why I would want to watch it.  The first few minutes were rather painful to watch, but a friend I was IMing who had seen it suggested I watch it like I'd watch any 80's cheesy movie; that helped and I actually enjoyed it.  It's jam packed with cheese, but it was still a nice, short movie that fit into my Saturday really nicely.  I think that's about all I did that was really useful.  I got ready, actually curled my hair! That doesn't happen very often.

I got these two fun little headbands with embellishments on them; one has a flower that when worn actually is almost flush with your skull.  I don't like big, poofy stuff.  Another one is a crust of seed beads and some garnet stones, very a-la-Roaring 20's I think.  With my hair curled and down it looked super nifty. 

I volunteered at church this weekend and boy was that interesting.  I worked with the media department.  Call time Saturday was 3:30 - service was at 6 and we seriously practiced the service from before I got there until about 5:45.  Really!  I was supposed to do A4V training but they were short grips so I was a grip; this means I helped move a pedal board on stage and off stage twice, spent the rest of the time in a side-room watching the service.  It was alright, nothing amazingly difficult, but necessary to how Fellowship does stuff.

Sunday I was at the church a little after 8am and actually did A4V training.  I really wish I could have been in there on Saturday to test drive the equipment during rehersals since my training was watching the other guy run the Nuendo programt he first service and than handing it over to me for the second.  I jacked up a second of the recording and I hate that it happened.  All the shortcuts for ProTools that I know don't translate to Nuendo.

Now unless you have some audio program knowledge you're probably going "Huh?".  Let me explain!  The audio set-up at Fellowship is pretty cool.  There are three audio boards going at the same time.  One board is backstage and caters to the monitors and the hearback systems so the band and speakers can hear themselves.  I, personally, really like monitors and secretly hope they need someone back there to help out with stuff because I'd like to do that.  Then there is the ever obvious Front-of-House board that controls what the audience hears.  I think that's rather self-explanitory.  They  mix for the life audience.  What isn't really normal for even most big churches is the A4V board.  They have a digital board where they record the audio for reproduction.  Now in order to reproduce something, the have to record it somewhere.  I am acustomed to using an audio software called ProTools which is Mac based. I really like it, it's what I learned on, it's what I'm really comfortable using.  However, there are other programs out there.  Fellowship uses Nuendo, which I've only ever opened, looked at, said "That's cool," and closed it.  So I'm not really comfortable using it since my fingers want to do things frum muscle memory since the work space looks very similar to ProTools.  That's bad because what the I key does in ProTools isn't the same thing in Nuendo!  It was still really cool to sort of learn it on the fly like that but I think I'll google the Nuendo manuel and read up on it and the shortcuts before I go back so I don't make the same dumb mistakes.

So there were two services Sunday and afterwards I just wasn't feeling well. A headach had set in sometime around the end of the first service and had just gotten more and more terrible through the second service.  I left church, swung by Target to buy a sweater I'd said no to on Friday that I just really, really, really wanted and standing in line to pay I felt very, seriously physically ill my head hurt so bad.  Got the sweater, went home and curled up on my couch for a few minutes. I felt so bad I was nautious but I hadn't eaten anything since about 8am.  Forced myself to eat a peanutbutter & bannanna sammitch and curled up in bed for half an hour.  Got up, felt even worse, finally tood some Excedrine and drank two bottles of water just in case I was dehydrated or something.  Even though I felt terrible I still went to Group Sync; I was the first person there besides the group leaders so I sort of felt bad for getting there so early but they're nice people and we chitchatted about how poorly I was feeling! Such a thrilling topic, I know!  I really regretted coming after the group started, you never realize how loud some people are until your head hurts.  Towards the end of the time I felt better and joined the group going out to eat Chinese food.  Poor Sam - he had to listen to us talk about girl stuff and I'm sure it was more than just a little weird for him at times.

Theeeeeeen I went back to my other friend's house and we watched the last two Tool Academy episodes, which was really exciting.  One of the guys I really wanted to see succeed got kicked off and the results really were not pretty.  However, the couple I want to win the whole thing are still in and looking really good.  Tool Academy 3 is being casted right now, which makes me super excited to know that there will be another season to fanfare about and make an event out of.  :)

Last night the migraine came back and I emailed into work, only to recall that I'm supposed to be the only person here - so I really have to come in, even though I would much prefer to curl up in a box, under my desk and wrap my sweater around my head.  I can make it 8 hours - really I can....

I realize as I'm starting to schedual when I'm volunteering at church that - I need a new planner or system of keeping track of dates.  I have a kitchen white-board where I keep track of stuff that's super handy with it's cork-board and little area to scribble notes - but I can't carry it around with me!  I used to carry around a large, blue leather one when I was juggling school, derby, work and everything else.  When I dropped down to just derby and work I got a smaller one that's now been all used up and I've sort of just been coasting by and 'remembering' what is happening when.  I think that's about to get really out of hand.  I don't have the internet on my phone anymore so using something like Airset is out and the calendar on my phone is just sort of a hastle because it doesn't synch with my Vista laptop.  I'm slowly starting to want an iPhone which I really don't want - except everything in the world is made for an iPhone now.  Of course I wonder if I can afford one, what with them costing aroud $200 and then the monthly charges for things like unlimited texts which I would need.  See, I also want a GPS for Christmas - but with an iPhone you get it all.  It's so frusterating.  I don't really want an iPhone - except I'm just being obstinate by not getting one.

I'm also getting more and more frusterated with knitting.  I really like knitting, and I would love to understand the whole knittese language - but everyone charges a hefty sum for simple knitting lessons.  I'd love to take a real class on knitting but I really can't afford what people are asking right now.  I'm going to have to really push myself to muddling through self-help videos online which are good, but sometimes I just can't get it exactly right.  I think I'm pretty close - but it's sort of clear that by the knot of yarn that gets pushed around that what I'm knitting looks nothing like what the person in the video is working on.  I think I'll have to worry about knitting in December as November will be plenty busy enough.

NaNo - I just want to keep upbeat and remind myself it's right around the corner.  Thursday InkyGirl shared this link with really good information on how to create better characters via her Twitter.  A lot of it to me is sort of obvious stuff, but sometimes reading it again helps reinforce something or gives you a new idea.  I really need to sit down and define my characters; the world has progressed a good deal, but the characters are far behind that.  I need to fix it.  Maybe tomorrow, though it might be next week before I really get there.  I'm getting some good ideas for how to develop Rocco, but Nattie needs some help - and she's the MC!!!

I had the grand idea to go home yesterday, grab my camera and take a nice walk around the park, snapping pictures for practice and getting a good, long walk in.  However, as I passed the park on my way home, it was all taped off and there was a full fledged production crew there and they were pointing mommy's with buggies away from the park and on down the road.  I figured going there would be a bad idea, especially if I had a camera in hand - so instead I did things like: wash dishes, clean the kitchen, pick up salvedge material, get all my pattern pieces in one spot, take out the trash, lots of small things that went a long way in making my place look much, much neater.

However, everyone who was supposed to come over sort of forgot to tell me they weren't coming until - I had steaks in the oven already.  I wasn't exactly thrilled because I don't know if I can really eat all that meat before it goes bad now without eating more than I should to just prevent it going bad.  Blah.  The Office was grand though. 

This weekend will be busy, busy, busy.  I have the shopping itch so I'm thinking of going to Target and poking around a bit before heading home.  If I have time I want to go for that walk with my camera before I meet up with people to go see a movie or go hang out or something.  There are very loose plans.  Saturday I'm hoping to get over to the yarn shop in Dallas to look around a bit and then back home to get ready for church.  I'm doing AV training and the new series is about being the biggest fans.  I think I'm going to wear my derby shirt and take my skates incase I want to stay for the tailgate party later.  I think that could be fun since I don't really know anyone; just skate around the parkinglot and stop and talk to people.  I have outdoor wheels and I can change them myself so it shouldn't be a problem.  Plus it would probably be good for me to get out and skate a bit.  Sunday is similar in that I'm volunteering at church and then have small group tomorrow night.  I'll probably go straight home and collapse on my couch and go to sleep early.  So busy times ahead of me!