I'm making up my own knitting pattern.  Yes, you heard me right, I'm coming up with my own set of stitches.  I think I've figured out what I want to do with it so far, so now it's just a matter of knitting it to length, but I'm hopeful.  Thankfully the point of the pattern is to be rather holey and messy and not quite perfect; it's a very forgiving pattern so far.  When I have more than a few inches to show for it I will post some pictures, but for now it looks like a black rectangle with stylized holes in it.  Not much to look at.

So it seems I'm having an issue with lack of discipline.  Not surprising; I was never very disciplined before I went to college and it took me a year or so to figure out how to not drown in my classes, but then I cracked the whip and got through it.  Somewhere in the last year my discipline has crumbled.  I stay up late, I skid into work just in time, I put off finishing my laudry or dishes, and I really would rather not clean.  I'm lazy - which has always been one of my biggest vices - but mostly I've been able to hem myself in.  Lately I've lost even that ability.

If it didn't affect my life - like the things I want to be able to do - I doubt I would be upset about it.  But I can't really write or knit much when I'm exhausted from having stayed up two nights in a row until the wee hours of the morning because I didn't feel like going to bed just quite yet.  I'm not sure what I need to do to motivate myself more, but it needs to happen.

Mostly because I want to finish my Dr Horrible Wristies and finish writing this book, but getting other stuff done too would be nice.

Today has just been one crappy thing after the other.  But because it's mostly involving Things I Don't Blog About and my dad's health, there's really no point in blogging about it - other than I want to tell you, I want to be in a snit.  I really do.  All of the issues of today can't be pointed at just one person, it's a lot of that, 'none of us were paying attention like we should' and things fell through the crack and you know me; if it's not perfect, if I messed up, I'm crushed. 

I wish I could just brush off the mistakes; yes, we all make them but when I make them I often feel as if it is the end of the world.  I try to not act out after a mistake, I try to rein in my, 'woe is me! doom! doom! doom!', faze and move on with it.  But just because I don't act that way doesn't mean I don't feel it.  So the latter half of tonight has been me kicking myself while I'm down, pointing out everything I really could do better if I would just open my eyes and try a bit more. 

No, I am not perfect. 
Yes, I tend towards lazy. 
No, it is not the end of the world. 
Yes, I wish the ground would open up and swallow me now for my lack of perfection.

And then I talked to my mom.  We both got to complain to each other, and wonderful mother that she is, she wholeheartedly tries to make everything better.  I need to be a better daughter and call more often, but when I do call I learn everything my dad won't tell me about his health and then I recall why we haven't talked as much recently and of course my mom has to start in on my weight.  Because ya know what?  I'm fat.  And no man will love a fat girl, and I will feel better about myself skinny.  Sheesh.  I love, love, love my mom, but skinniness does not equate happiness.  Explaining that to her was a run on the never ending wheel of, 'yeah but-'.  I would do better to go unloved by another human being than have that love hinged on my waistline.

Anyways, I think I should shower, curl up in bed with Face Off and sleep this out.  Tomorrow will be a better day.  It's Thursday after all, and that means #writersdatenight!

Okay, I don't know about you but growing up I lived under some very incorrect assumption that once I reached adulthood I would no longer have acne.  What gave me this impression?  I have no idea!  Okay, I'm not a pizza face subscriber anymore; lots of drugs got rid of that mess. 

However, it's times like this past week when I have one that won't go away that I wonder when I'll ever reach that magical, perfect age when zits don't worry me anymore and shaving isn't even in my vocabulary.

I remember being in junior high and taking a general antibiotic that got rid of most of my acne and using very expensive products on my face.  I haven't taken the drugs in ages, and I really should be better at washing my face.  I have one of these Dove exfoliation guns (not really a gun but a battery operated exfoliation thinggie) and it's amazing - if I ever remember to buy extra bateries or more of the little skin rubby pads.  I'm sort of forgetful....

Moisturizer is probably one thing I don't skrimp on.  I like moisturizer.  Moisturizer makes my face feel nice.

The things they never told you about growing up: zits never go away.

I won stuff! I won a companion to the Dexter tv show from Grasping for the Wind.  Super excited.

I've read several books.  Still needing to write outstanding book reviews on my other blog.

Writing - a lot.

Having friends over at various points for movies.

And oh yeah! Belly dance!

So I'll talk about my belly dance class I went to.  It was super fun, and I felt kind of silly, but that's expected when your body isn't used to moving in certain ways.  I think I'm really going to like it.  I mean, by the end of the class my arms hurt, I could feel the burn in my thighs and I felt the workout through my upper body and abs.  I need to practice at home, which I've been bad about because of my fanatical writing, but I will get better.  I even bought belly dance music and one of my writer-friends-who-shares-my-brain bought me a hip scarf at the ren fair this weekend.  I'll now have jangly hips.  I may or may not post a picture of me wearing said hip scarf.  There will be no video of me dancing.  None.

Got to see The Imaginarium of Dr Parnassus this weekend which was sort of sad to see Heath Ledger's last film.  There's a really ominous moment early on in the movie where it kind of hits you: he's dead.  The movie was really nifty.  I'm supposed to watch it tonight again.

Also saw two movies I didn't care for: Nine (the musical) and Defendor.  Both were very disappointing.  Nine I knew was the story of a filmmaker, but it was just downright depressing at times.  I re-watched it yesterday and became even less impressed with the music.  Defendor was just all round depressing, though I love Woody Harrelson after Zombieland, I wish I would have passed on this movie.  It wasn't funny, it was depressing and sad.

Yup.  This week should be lots of writing because I'm wanting to finish one novel this week and I have a lot to accomplish.  Though next week should be more interesting as far as social interaction goes.

Thanks to those who have contacted me willing to help with research. I appreciate it!

I've gone from being an every-day blogger to a, you-might-think-I've-fallen-off-the-edge-of-the-world blogger.  *sigh*  I'm sorry!  There's either nothing going on or I can't possibly think of anything interesting to say that's not something like, 'I'm writing.' or 'I just wrote this really cool scene where so-and-so does THIS and whats-his-face does THAT! It's awesome!'  Because as much as I know it excites me, I don't even pretend to think that anyone wants to hear a minute by minute replay of my writing.

What is new is that tonight I start dance classes.  Yes, dance classes.  I'm taking a belly-dance class this month, well, for the next four weeks.  After tonight I'll know if I'm a once-a-weeker or a twice-a-weeker; I'm thinking twice a week, honestly.  I'm already looking at hip scarves.  I'm not too excited about the whole belly-dance costume, but the hip scarves are super nifty.  I'm sure I'll have all sorts of interesting bits to say tomorrow about my dancing experience; heck, I might even surprise you and double blog!

Besides the dance class, I've been thinking heavily about tattoos.  For several years now I've had standing plans for a full sleeve on my left arm.  I love the memory-tree idea and in my head it looks uber cool.  However, now that I'm in a professional environment - I have learned how much I hate wearing longed sleeves.  Plus, it's Texas and Texas is freaking HOT in case you don't already know.  I'm toying with the idea of cutting the tattoo down to a half sleeve, get it designed to look like a stained glass window and just have multicolored stars hanging from it so it mirrors the stained glass window on my right arm.  I'm not sold on the idea at all, which is why I must now begin the stewing process.  This probably also means I most likely will not get a tattoo in 2010.

I'm also still in limbo about my two submissions for press; I have 12 days left until no response means no acceptance.  I'd really prefer a rejection letter, personally, but understand that not everyone has time for those types of things.

My family is doing well.  Dad is of course experiencing some changes to the way he does things but he's coping and things are good.

Hmmm ~ Oh! I finished Avatar: The Last Airbender and recently came to understand that the movie will really be three movies.  I sort of died a little on the inside when I heard that.  I don't have much faith in Shammy, can you tell?  I could stomach one movie, but three is trying my patience.  I should be open minded, I know, but I like the series.

And I got a new phone. I think that's the end of my exciting news.

I know I'm feeling like butter spread over too much bread.  I think it has to do with just everything that's happened the last few weeks.  I've surrounded myself with awesome people who I really do love - yes, I love you guys - but I think it's all making me go crazy.  I'm having a writing dilemma, where I pull my hair out and scream, "This is utter crap!" at my laptop.  In fact, I know that when I prop the situations and plots in the novel to people, they think it's great, and I know my writing isn't that bad.  No, I'm not amazing, but I'm a far cry from bad.

However, with loads of Stuff flying around my head these last few weeks, I think what I really need to do is shut people out for a few days.  Oh, email and twitter and all that don't count, but I think I need to spend some alone time.  Maybe go hang out somewhere, get away and write or veg or something.

I wrote the above several days ago.  I was going to scrap it but decided against it because they were and probably to some extent are my genuine feelings. I sort of boomerang around at times with emotions.  I'm crazy like that.  I probably do need to step back from actively trying to be so social and focus on writing a bit more, but I'm enjoying myself.  And you know what?  I'm happy.  This time last year I was so very depressed.  I couldn't fool myself but I fooled everyone around me and the truth was: I was miserable.  But I'm not anymore.  Yes, I'm occasionally cranky, and poor Alicia has to handle my sometimes severe mood swings and the occasional very serious need to clean.... I think I will forever pity anyone who thinks they want to room with me. 

Yes, the last few weeks have gone from one extreme to the other, but ya know what? I'm okay.  I can handle myself.  I wonder if I could handle everything going on right now as well as I'm doing - were I still in high school?

So in completely other news, here's something so funny you might pee your pants.

Okay, so it's Friday and all I can think about is the weekend. Hurray! It's here! And omg the next discs in the Avatar: Last Airbender anime are in!

Don't know what I'm talking about? That's okay. M. Night Shyamalan is making a movie from the beloved Nickelodeon series.  I'm sure you'll see enough advertisement and fan-fair about it to get excited too.
Right now I'm in the middle of Book 2: Earth, for those of you who know how the 'books' (read: seasons)
 go.  I'm slowly working my way through them.  Book 1: Air was available on Watch Instantly via Netflix ages ago and I think I spent a whole Saturday streaming them while I wrote.

I'm iffy about the movie.  I don't precisely like Shyamalan movies and that he would take something I really like and rip a bad movie out of it worries me.  And maybe I don't know yet - but who is the person in the bottom right corner in green?  That doesn't look like the Blind Bandit which is the only persistent Earth Bender besides Boomy that I know of yet.  There's already been plenty of discussion about the actors chosen.  Aang is themed around Chinese heritage, is played by either a dark Caucasian boy or a Hispanic; I forget which because honestly it's been a while since I read the articles.  Katara and Sokka, Eskimos, are played by white actors.  At least Zuko, taken heavily from Japanese influence, at first glance looks different.  Honestly I'm less worried about the color of the actors skin and more worried about their ability to play the roles.

Regardless, I'm going to curl up on the couch tonight and enjoy like, two hours of cartoons and writing with friends and friends children coming over.  It's going to be great fun.

And Zuko! I'm squealing over how this season is turning out because I really like the antagonist in this series.  He's such a great character in that he does great evil but because of how it is set up you sort of cheer for him and whatnot.  Oh well, that's enough of my rambling.

Okay, so ~ I am alive. I am getting better.  There have been no more instances involving the cops and my mother.  That is a good thing.

I know I recapped the DFW Writer's Convention via my writing blog, but I thought I'd talk about the non-professional aspects over here too, since I haven't posted and well, I feel like it.  I meant to get all ready on Friday but wound up piddling around with Linda, shopping and getting lunch and stuff until mid-afternoon when there was a whole trip back and forth to Ross to return a laptop bag and dig around for another.  See, I found this perfect blue and black laptop purse, but it's made for a 15"ish laptop.  Lappy is a 17is" laptop.  Two inches.  Two friggen inches kept me from having the coolest laptop bag.  I'm upset.  I also had to just accept that most stuff is made for 15" laptops apparently!  Insert a very unhappy Cidly  :(  I did get two really nice shell-shirts to wear under sweaters for work and stuff, so that was a win!

Saturday Linda came to my place and we took Jeepie to the convention where we met up with Suzan and Criss - yea!!!  Haven't seen Criss recently since she got prego on us.  I miss her face!  I was really surprised by the lack of technology.  I assumed more of the people there would have laptops and all, but apparently our group was in the minority.  In most of the classes we were the only people clustering around outlets and taking notes on laptops.  And I'm the one in our group that brings a power-strip.  NaNoWrimo taught me well.

There was much fun to be had at my expense because I went to the romance/sex writing workshops.  This included twittering about me being in these with the con's hash-tag.  I also saw people sitting in front of me pulling up my twitter profile as SOMEONE twittered yet another silly thing at me.  Oh well.  Good thing I like to laugh at myself, right?

My amazing friend Linda got a partial request from an agent, so uber congrats and well wishes her way.  (I have yet to hear back on the short story I sent in, but I shouldn't hear back until end of next month)

Saturday night was the cocktail party in which I played dress-up with Suzan and *gasp* MADE HER WEAR A DRESS!  This included a really funny Marylin Monroe moment while Suzan took a smoke break.  We also met a really cool recent transplant to Texas who will be joining our online critiquing.  Super jazzed about this.

Sunday.... Linda and I - without talking about it - both automatically assumed that the conference would also be starting at 8am.  She showed up at my place same time as the day before - without us deciding that's what we were doing, we both just assumed the same thing!  And we arrived at the convention center... and realized our mistake!  LoL!!  I had about an hour long conversation with an author who is trying to understand twitter and so we sat on some benches and I pulled up my TweetDeck and we discussed twittering, retweeting, hash-tags, and the benefits and uses of twitter.  We also got the guy leading the twitter workshop to come over and join us and then there were four of us talking about twitter.  It was really fun.

During a session with one author, the author stopped speaking for a few moments and then asked the full room if anyone had any Claritin - allergies are really bad this year.  Well, when I'm sick and I need to be in public sans-medicine-head, I take Claritin.  Yes, it's expensive but it leaves me clear headed and functioning.  I pop'd up with the medicine and this author said she'd read my first ten pages of a manuscript and critique it.  I needed to have gotten it out last night in all honesty but I got blocked with web hosting issues on godaddy.com

So I'm excited about that!

I also hate godaddy.com  If anyone is better with internetz than I, I would love helps.  Otherwise I'm going to corner Suzan and beg her to help me, though it might not take begging, it could just take some Dr Pepper....

There were also some really nifty writerly threads available.  Sometime this week two shirts I bought will be here and I'm sure there will be pictures. I can't figure out if they have a website so I'll just have to tell you that both shirts are funny and one is semi-sexually funny, but writerly, both are girly.... yeah.

Ho-hum...  I'm rather certain I don't like staying at home.  I don't think I ever realized how little time I spend in my apartment some times until I had someone living with me.  I'm sorry world, I make a terrible roommate.

The Epic Closet Cull is .... still underway in the way that I mean there's a huge freaking pile of STUFF at the foot of my bed.

My apartment is a wreck.  Tonight will officially be Cid-cleans-stuff night; bathroom, bedroom, chin cage, dishes, trash - you're all going down!!!!!!

And my garden is officially beyond resuscitation and is dead.  Dead.  Dead.  Dead.  I'm sad.  I also don't know if I have the willpower to start over again.

I think this covers it.... yes, it should, if not, well, I'll say it next time!

Okay, I know that all the changes Obama are making are probably good things.  Heck, we probably need the credit companies monitored and health care reformed, but right now it hurts.  It hurts bad.  The interest rate on my credit card just doubled.  Seriously.  5.9% to 13.6% - which makes me go OUCH.  I don't even want to think about health insurance.  We're probably going to enroll next week and I'll discover just how much more money I'll be paying just in case I have an accident.  Money that I would love to be able to pay on my debt so I can correct the huge monitary mistake I have made in my life.  I'm very sure that the government is not trying to make my life difficult, that everything is done for a good purpose and reason - but it's very hard to see much less understand that right now.

Ug.  So frusterated right now.  Going to explore some options and see what I can do.

In other news, Texas got snow - SNOW - on the first day of spring.  Woke up Sunday to a white-wonderland.  I stayed indoors.  One look at what should have been a beautiful sunny day during which I plated things turned into a burrowing day where I read.  I'm reading a lot of Lynn Viehl lately and I love it.  I'm not writing as much as I wold like to (what I have done I blog about at cidwrites.com/blog) but with the excessive crap that continues to happen, well, I'm just glad I'm not nosediving into depression and have maintained a fairly positive outlook.  Doesn't mean I don't feel like I'm drowning at times, but I'm managing alright.

Whoopse, time to go back to work.

When I graduated college in December of 2007, the recession was that thing in the corner we pretended we hadn't invited to the dinner party.  Of course a few intelligent people, we'll call these the Smart Industries.  Unfortunately for people like myself who started school back in 2003 and had taken an extra year to get another degree - I was just in time for all my potential career paths to wither and die right in front of me.

Depressing, isn't it?

Well, I've done alright so far.  I'm working a day job that's at least enjoyable.  I like the hours and the people.  I don't always understand it all, but what can I do?  Well, I can learn.  Which I do and supposedly quickly.  And I can also try new things.  It's not where I saw myself when I graduated high school.  I thought I'd be changing the world all on my own and doing exciting things.

And then real life happens.

I'm not anywhere I thought I would be.  These last few weeks have been very depressing; can't lie about that.  I don't see it getting immediately better.  I'm holding out hope that things will improve, but only time will tell.  I'm beginning to be a bit more proactive in thinking of ways to improve things, like should I make a career switch?  Should I do something else?  It's hard and depressing trying to figure out life right now.  I read this article on PayScale about being ready for the recession with a back-up career plan.  I'm starting to wonder if I shouldn't get a second job.  If I didn't have debt hanging over my head it might free me up to take some more chances.  I don't know.  I'm sort of at a low point here and I will need to figure something out by the end of April because I think that's all the grace my parents have for me.

Strange as it is, they're very concerned - interested? Whatever.  They're taking a lot of interest in my career right now, which is new and rather unexpected.  My parents have had a rather hands off approach to my life, only stepping in when I really needed help or something was really wrong.  This has probably been their way of letting me grow up all along.  Maybe I don't realize how close to crashing and burning I really am.  Ug.  I probably need to stop thinking about this and go clean - and then write or watch a movie.  That would be far more productive!!!

I don't understand you.

Casting on in the middle of a row?  What?  I seriously tried, and thank goodness I've gotten good at ripping out lines and not loosing stitches.  Headband, I can thank you for that!

Yarn Panda, you are amazing for your knitting all-knowing-power.

I'm rather pleased with how much I did tonight in an hour and a half - especially since I unraveled my first few tries....

Yours truely,
Cid

For visual proof I'm not crazy:

[Edit] Incase someone sees this and knows the pattern.  I'm trying to knit the stripy, bow fingerless gloves from the I Love Knitting book by Rachel Henderson.  The pattern has me knitting and purling 20 stitches and the bit I'm having problems with is this:

Using B, knit 12, turn, cast on 12 stitches, turn, knit to end of row. (32 stitches)

Casting on in the middle of the row?  I can understand - sort of - from the picture how it makes the bow, but I'm not really getting the hang of how to do it, or what exactly 'turn' means - when you're casting on....

I think most people are aware of the incident yesterday where an Orca Whale killed a trainer at an Orlando Sea World after an afternoon show.  If not, here is an article and here is another one, both of which give varying details of what happened.  There are YouTube videos that also include interviews with Jack Hanna.

First and foremost I feel so terribly for the family, friends and co-workers of the woman, Dawn.  It is horrible that she was killed like this.

However, suddenly there's a huge uproar of people who are clamoring and accusing Sea World or other institutions that have these whales about how dangerous and mistreated they are.  I know that the reporters are doing their job, but they are infuriating.  Whales are large creatures, with an amazing strength.  Their normal actions can hurt a smaller creature if they're in the way.  They are also predators.  Now, do I think they should be in captivity?  In a perfect world - no.  They should be free and in their normal habitat and we should study them there.  But this isn't a normal world.  Whales are hunted and killed, they're killed by the actions of a world full of people who don't realize the implications of our needs or desires.  In that light, yes there should be some in zoos or other habitats where we can preserve them and know how to save them if we need to in the future.  With this comes risk, unfortunately.  Animals are animals and as such they can be dangerous.  Heck, a household dog can kill a person and more dog attacks probably happen in a year than whale attacks.

Now, I know I can ramble on at length about this but I won't.  I grew up around horses; I know of many people who died as a result of horse accidents, rodeo accidents, and other animal included activities.  It's a terrible tragedy but when a person chooses to put themselves in contact with an animal you have to embrace that unknown factor.  I had a mare, Star, for many years who was less than friendly with men.  Why?  Because for seven years she was abused by a man.  I had the conscious decision to accept responsibility for her and still ride and use her.  Because of my mindfulness no one was ever hurt by her - except for one idiot who decided that even though I said, "Hey, don't get in that stall, she's not a friendly horse," still got in the stall and got two hind feet to his chest.  He listened after that.

There's such a huge responsibility that comes with putting an animal in a cage and I don't think there's much danger in saying that Sea World does their best to provide the best care and facilities to their animals.  What happened was a tragedy but when dealing with an animal of that size there is risk, and the trainers accept that risk and still choose to do what they do.  I think they're amazing people.

Once, many years ago, a family friend of ours was doing a trick riding performance where she was doing a trick called the one-foot-stand.  Her horse stumbled and as a result she was impaled on the six-inch saddle horn standard on trick riding saddles.  It was a great tragedy but her husband stood up at her funeral with tears in his eyes and said, "She died doing something she loved.  That's all we can ask."  (note - The type of saddle our friend was using was very different and involved being strapped onto the horse, but it looks similar to the picture.)

I just think that people need to step back and think more about honoring a wonderful woman who passed away yesterday than suddenly fearing for supposed lives that might be at risk.  Should things be evaluated? Yes. But it's an animal.  And accidents unfortunately happen.

I'm disabling comments.  If you would like to flame or bash me you'll have to do it some other way.

Okay, so today is the year anniversary of all the new credit card restrictions.  Supposedly this is going to make the big, bad evil credit companies behave! Except.... things have only gotten worse.  Look, I know I don't even begin to understand all the rules and what's going on, but I do know that before all this mess I managed very well on my own.  Yes, I had a balance I was kicking myself about, but I was paying it off and the interest rate wasn't awful.  I'm not sure what it is now, it's something I need to do a little detective work and figure out, but things are getting stupid.  I paid off a credit card two weeks ago - or was it a week ago? Whatever! I paid it off, I'm so excited that I did! In another six months I'll have paid off another one and then it's time to tackle the black holes in my life; my two albatross birds.  However, credit rates and rules are going crazy.  I understand that in the long term this is supposed to be helpful, but right now it sucks and it's frustrating and I'd like nothing more than for it to all have never happened.

Next on the list.  Health care.  Excuse me Mr President, but we have a war going on.  Yes, I'm sure health care is very important, but in this economy, with a war going on, I think there are other things to worry about other than gouging me of every penny I have.  I'm literally dreading when we have to change insurance; seriously dreading it.  How much is it going to go up?  Will I be able to afford it?  What else is going to be up'd in price?

We're experiencing a terrible winter this year.  Tomorrow it's going to snow again and if we get the projected two inches of snow we'll have had the snowiest winter ever in Texas.  This means it's been cold here.  The winter is usually when I can get by with tiny heating bills and save up some extra money.  Not this year.  I'm paying as much, if not more than I did to cool my apartment.

I know I'm complaining, but all of these things are out of my control.  I can't exactly get the credit card companies attention, and if I could they wouldn't care.  The president doesn't care about little me, he's thinking about the country and the long-term plans.  And the weather sure as heck doesn't care!

Today is Monday, can't you tell?  I had a mostly sleepless weekend because of dreams and just not being able to stay asleep. I even went to bed early last night and I'm more exhausted today than I have been in a while.

Friday was loads of fun because I spent it with Amanda and we ate dinner with her family, saw Valentine's Day and got gellato at Piccomolo.  The down side was that a toddler ruined most of the movie and an older gentleman talked at us for almost an hour at Piccomolo.

I had a weird, terrible, horrible dream Friday night/Saturday morning that Amanda and I were kidnapped.  It was so bad that I text'd Amanda just to make sure she was okay....

Saturday was the writer's meeting - and we had a blast!  Might not be getting as much writing as I'd like to done at these, but they are so much fun!  I also found The God Engine, which I blogged about but have yet to read.

Sunday I went to church at my old professor's church, loved it, thinking I'll go back again.  After that I went to my parent's place and watched the Olympics with my dad and wrote. 

Tonight I hope to do some outlining work on some other projects and write a bit.  The end of Suspicion is so close! I can see it looming in the distance! ...and then I start Premonition.

Mostly, today's just a Monday and a blah one at that and I'm tired and whaaaaaaa~~~

So this recent onset of snow, snow and OMG MORE SNOW?!?!?!  left me with little to blog about because my face has been pressed against the glass watching these mysterious fluffy fat flakes of white stuff drift down from the sky.  This is Texas; we get anorexic pieces of hail and dare call it snow maybe once a year.  The last twenty-four-hours have provided a rare glimpse into what a real winter-wonderland is and the change on the landscape has been mystical - though it hasn't been without it's problems.  Had to cancel plans for the theater last night, wound up using my broom to literally sweep a foot of snow off my Jeep, and just getting out of the apartment complex was tricky simply because no one had been attempting it.  A silly person on the way into work decided to drive in all the turn lanes and then swerve in front of me several times; one time I was sliding because I was driving on snow and couldn't get traction to stop.  Idiot.  Oh well.  I drive a nice, big Jeep.  He would have been squashed had the light not turned green!

Okay, so Valentine's Day is coming up this weekend. I belatedly realized that I'm already planning on spending it with some of the most wonderful people I know; my parents.  We'll probably while away the afternoon just being in the same room, have dinner and then I'll go home, but it's what we do.  We aren't really an exciting family-time type of family, but they're my family and I love them.

I think that Valentine's Day doesn't really bother me - it's the people who feel that a day pledged to celebrating love is an excuse and a right to bemoan their singleness.  I think that's silly.  I think that people should really take advantage of V-Day and take the opportunity to tell people in their lives that you love them and that they're special.  Those are my thoughts.  There are more than a few people I'd like to tell them to stop being so selfish but I know it won't do any good.

I recently subscribed to John Scalzi's blog, Whatever.  I stumbled across his first chapter of his new book, God Engines. I read it. I need to read all of it. Why didn't I see this yesterday when I would have been at Borders? Boo! And here I am pleading to not buy any more books until I read a good chunk (5-10!!!! I promise!).  I'm grumbling about this decision but I'll stick to it for a little while longer.  I'm so intrigued by the idea behind the book that the first chapter reveals!  But I can wait.  I read Zeus yesterday, finished the Glass Castle last night, so now I want to read McKinley's Sherwood book and I'll probably go ahead and read Touch of Evil .... and then I have a whole shelf of stuff to pick from!

Ug. Blogger lost the last bit of my post.  So lets see.... I plan on writing some this weekend.  Surprise, surprise.  Get my bangs trimmed most likely.  Hopefully see The Lightning Thief and Wolfman.  And that's all I'm saying.

Bah!

I'm having one of those not-so-happy nights.  As I read through bits of my novel, I know I can write better than what I'm currently doing.  Really!  I've seen me do it before! But -- it's not good.  Or at least I'm at a point where I reread stuff while the critique group is reading it and all I can think is OMG this is utter crap!  Yeah.  And then I groan and wonder why in all that is sane in the world am I still plugging away all determined like at this project.  It's a wolf-by-the-ears situation; I really refuse to let go because I'm determined to finish the thing. 

Maybe I just need fresh eyes on it now that I've had some critique and revised the first bit of it to get another opinion.  I'm just not sure what to do.  I have two friends who have said they will read through what I have and give opinions.  I'm just frusterated with myself and having a pity-party tonight.

Also wondering if maybe I should set revision aside and work on a short-story or something this week and then come back to my novel with fresh eyes.  Hmmm, I'll make a decision tomorrow after I've slept on it.

I realize that unless I start my week out rather organized, the rest of it won't go well.  You see, most Mondays have some activity and then Tuesdays and Wednesdays are a blur of activity so nothing around my apartment gets done.  The trash won't get taken out.  The dishes won't get done.  If I leave laundry in the dryer it won't move.  Sunday night I had better get the rest of my life in order!  LoL.  I did pretty well this week, however there are still dishes from Sunday and the trash is close to overflowing and well... the laundry was in there before Sunday so that's my own fault!

Today I am slightly frustrated with myself for completely controllable reasons.  I've been going to church, but not really attending it.  My responsibilities keep me there and my dedication to not miss out on those hold on to me - but sometimes I wonder if I'm really paying attention?  I'm not doing enough - and sometimes I'm not doing any - personal devotion time.  However when I do go to church I see right where the message is going and I have the uncanny habit to pick out how it's going to get there; I get the mentality I guess.  It's not a bad thing, but I like to be surprised, I like to be challenged intellectually - and I don't.  And it's not the church's fault - it's my own.  I should do more for pushing myself to learn more.  I have the idea to write some spiritual things in the future, and I'm wondering if I shouldn't start on the research, because giving my research the purpose could force me to develop the habit of researching.  Hope that makes sense, LoL.  I need a Saturday to go back to SAGU and spend in the library ferreting out the most useful books and making book lists or notes.

I don't know. I have a general frustrated feeling today.  I feel like today will be a good day, I'm just frusterated for the time being.  And I'm frustrated that I can't spell frusterated.  LoL.  I want to put an 'e' in there!!!!!!  I think I bring this on myself by having expectations for myself that are either high, or impossible.  No one can be perfect.  On author Don Miller's blog, he talked about how Denmark was one of the happiest countries in the world - because they have low expectations.  Now, I'm not saying I need to put aside all aspirations, but maybe I need to reevaluate some of them.  I know I went into college with the idea I would change the world, that I would make a difference, lead a revolution - and I can't do any of that it seems.  It's depressing, but it's also unrealistic.  I think I have this idea in my head that there's a job I was put on earth to do and I have to throw myself at everything until I figure it out - but what I might not have realized was that I was put on earth to be.  Just to Be.  Sure, in being here there are things that come with it, and I'm talking spiritually within the context of my own beliefs, and then the additional load of what I have to do because of the way we have developed in this world.

I'm not satisfied with this answer; I'm a Do'er.  I need to Do things.  I need to Be something.  But maybe I also need to slow down and realize there's more to life than Being or Doing something.  I'm not sure what I'm saying, but I'm saying I'm unhappy sometimes and I'm trying to muddle through the why's.  I feel like in saying all of this I'm failing someone; my parents? Society? They all tell us to go do something with our lives when we're younger.  If I pick out a path that makes me happier in my life, but also doesn't change the world, will that be okay? Am I failing myself? The world? I don't know!  I'm getting more frustrated writing this, but only with myself.  For some reason I can't seem to be happy with the idea of just doing stuff.  I'm dissatisfied and I don't know what to do about it.

So what do you do when you feel dissatisfied with yourself? Or life?

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So I rarely finish a blog and publish it - mostly for this very reason.  I like blogs. I know I'll read a blog if it's in my blogroll because I only keep what I like there, and I like reading stuff.  I stumbled across this blog/website and while it's a simple scripture and paragraph - I think it's what I need to hear; keep it simple stupid.

The One Thing.

I cannot pretend the weekend started out well.  Um, okay, so at the beginning it was fun but stuff happens, eh?  Friday I got off work and went and read The Last Olympian at BandN before going home.  However, I couldn't leave BandN without Redeeming Love, the book club book actually having being bought and since it was on one of those so very temping Buy 2, Get the 3rd FREE tables, I also got Maus Book I and The Zombie Survival Guide. They did not have Lament, which someone got me interested in, but that is probably for the best.  I am convinced the BandN by my apartment isn't the best.

My friend was supposed to go to a movie with me but we both got finished with what we'd been doing so late it just wasn't practical so we mutually decided - some other time would be better.  I then get in a heated argument with one person - okay, it was heated on my side.  Things were being launched at me that were personal and I got angry and said something I shouldn't have. No, it wasn't profane, just inappropriate - I was just rather upset.  A friend enters the conversation and starts telling me to be nice. Me - when I was the one standing up for myself.  This isn't the first time this person has pointed fingers at me when things turn heated so naturally it only made the situation worse because yet again I was of course the bad guy here for standing up for myself.  I think me being a girl and getting stupidly emotional about stuff is much to blame.

Saturday - ug - I woke up at 7:30.  My body really wanted to be up, but I was still rather exhausted.  Oh well.  I got up and went to Wal-Mart where there were hardly any people before noon and the cashiers were even standing around without lines.  It was rather incredible!  I bought all of the things to make cake-pops and was startled by actually finding lollipop sticks and five different colors of melt.  I was very thrilled that for my first attempt I wouldn't have to go searching around.  Anyways, enough about cake-pops. I have a whole blog devoted to the endeavor after all!

The youth group volunteer meeting was good, and I sort of met some of the other people but mostly talked to Brandy who I met Wednesday night.  I didn't stay for church; just wasn't feeling real well and for some reason I started feeling really depressed.  Don't ask me why; I can only assume it's due to female chemistry and bits from last night.  I know I take things too personally - it maybe my biggest fault.  Being told some of those things - if irrational - stick to me and I'll just have to deal with it.  If I weren't the way I am I wouldn't be me so I'm sure I'll be fine, that night just sort of sucked.  Worked on the cake-pops some more before abandoning the idea of finishing them and instead started Redeeming Love. Right now, 100+ pages into it - I hate it.  I really want to just put it down and not go on.  There are other books on my shelf of to-reads that I know I'll love.  That are on my master list of very important things to read in 2010.  Oh well.

Sunday - woke up not feeling well but I have cake-pops to do so took some medicine, had a small sit down breakfast and got to work!  The cupcake pops get the most layers so I started those first with the brown.  Learned I probably made those all too bit but I salvaged many more than I lost so I guess it all works out.  Home Group was good - apparently I missed the big church wide fast thing as well as getting the book we're going to be working through.....oopse.

Started feeling more sickly Sunday night and today's not been a whole lot better.  The day sort of passed in a blur.  I at least finished The Dreaded Book.

This is a rant.  I will not really apologize for this.

It all started innocently enough; someone asked me what I was reading and I responded I'd just picked up The Sea of Monsters tonight by Rick Riordan and I'm about halfway through it already.  The conversation then proceeded to spiral downwards as one person launched into how terrible and cliche these types of books are.  Perhaps they are a bit cliche and silly - but they're teen-young adult books; they're going to be a little cliche.  Unnamed person continued to go on at length about how high fantasy books are awful and people need to write more real, gritty, bloody books.  This person went on at length and continued to be utterly intolerant of anyone else's view.  It then made me want to laugh outright because it was then announced that said person was writing a book from the viewpoint of a sarcastic college student who experiences some abnormal things; which means that said person is basically writing a dream book about what they wish their life is about.

I generally don't react well to intolerant people.  I think that while I don't like everything, I can learn from it and appreciate the value of something I don't necessarily like - to other people.  It's kind of a way I operate universally; opinions, beliefs, all of it.  I will offer my own opinions, views or what have you and when it's offensive I'll state this is my opinion, you might not like it, but I'll just express it this once.  This happens a lot with religion; I have a lot of friends who are not even remotely friendly to the subject.  I have had the conversation many times when I explain what I believe, that it's important to me that my friends understand that, and if they don't want to hear about it - okay - I can live with that, but at least saying it once is important.  I do it nicely, but everyone's respectful.  I don't berate people for having a different opinion than myself - even if I think it's hair-brained ridiculously stupid.  I do not, however, take well to people who believe their way is the only way for something to be done. 

Of course the one thing I do believe in whole heartedly that is the only way - is Jesus.  In my mind believing that Jesus is the one true Son of the Living God, who was killed, resurrected, and sits at the Right Hand of the Father is the one and only way to enter Heaven.  I can - however as much as it pains me - understand that not everyone shares my belief.  There are things that this belief dictates that I, personally, think are wrong or not permissible, but I can also understand that not everyone sees things the way I do - and I can love them despite that.

I think that intolerance is an issue.  We aren't a segregated country anymore, but intolerance still ferments.  It grows into something else.  I'm rambling now, so I'll stop and go clean.  Maybe I've said something of value here, maybe I've just ranted about something that makes no sense to anyone but me. Oh well.

Wow, okay, so my parents came and visited me last night; other than my dad currently being upset with my mother over something unknown and not speaking the entire night - it was fun! If made slightly awkward by his silent, staring off into the distance, refusal to speak, presence.  My parents also bought me a Wii!  Now, I'd only said in half jest that I was going to buy one; they're rather expensive and once I really considered it I didn't think it was the best way to spend my money; with insurance going up 50% I need to cinch it in a bit.  But they bought me a Wii!! And I'm rather convinced I need someone else to put it together; I started trying to read the help guide for putting it together and got distracted by the bad grammar and started pondering writing things like the help manual to stuff....Yeah, never made it past the first page!  Hopefully tonight before the writing critique group I can get it together and feel successful!

I ran by Half Priced Books last night and found they had three Robin McKinley books; I'm sort of rediscovering her and going fangirl over them.  I now have The Blue Sword, The Outlaws of Sherwood, and Spindle's End.  I really want to read The Hero and the Crown first - so I believe my $10 B&N gift card will be going to getting that.  However, first I need to speed read the Fannie Flagg book, A Redbird Christmas, for my book club book. Arg! And I still have V for Vendetta to read, bought Watchmen because it was $7 and the comments on Writing Excuses actually made me curious.  And then I still have Foundation from Mercedes Lackey to read as well as the first book in a trilogy from Weiss and Hickman!!  *sigh*  I will probably go through the book club book first, then a McKinley book and slide V for Vendetta in then as I really do want to read it.  I will now be collecting the full roster of Robin McKinley books, I believe - so if you are in need of a Christmas present idea - go there!

Began discussing the Last Air Bender movie with some friends; I know the release date was pushed back because of the name stealing Avatar movie coming out this weekend, as well as the official name being changed.  I don't like Shameylanwhateverhisnameis - with the exception of The Village, which I really liked.  I've also only seen one Book of the Air Bender series, but it was good.  I've heard that the creators are collaborating over the making of the movie, but some of the casting looks questionable to me. I don't know, but it came up so I'm mentioning it in passing - Ha!

Today I signed away another chunk of my paycheck to pay for insurance - I never use.  Insurance was a drop in the bucket when I first got this job; I didn't have to pay hardly anything - now I'm paying a hefty sum.  Thanks Obama, thanks a lot. I wish I could just go without insurance; say screw it and throw caution to the wind.  It's really ridiculous how I hold a decent job, I don't spend an absurd amount of money, often less than I bring in, and I can hardly afford insurance.  I'm starting to rethink my big trip next fall to Georgia, that maybe it's not a good idea and I should do a staycation instead.  I know I stress too much over money, but it's because I'm not good with it - so I over compensate for my inability by being obsessive.  Yup. Makes perfect sense, doesn't it?  I'm thinking about picking up something else to bring in money on the side, like crafty things; people are always asking me to make them something so if I ask them to cover cost plus a little I'd make a little.  It's an idea and every little bit helps, right?

Bah - anyways - tonight was my first go at the critique group and it wasn't so bad. I took a very silly section from a short fairy tale I'm doing; I'm pushing myself to write in First Person and not over-explain everything.  I like it and the general response was very good and very encouraging.  I still need to finish it, but I'm actually excited about it and not dreading finishing it.

Anyways, I should sleep soon.

I have realized something very important about the affect NaNo has on me; it removes all patience for idiocy.  Idiots who would normally not even phase me have me wanting to throw rocks at their windshields, blocking their numbers or unfriending them on silly sites.  Maybe it's just a way to beg back for my attention which has been diverted into something so selfish as writing for my own enjoyment, but my patience is limited to - well - nothing.  I know this possibly makes me sound like a terrible person, and I should be better, yes, but I'm also human and being a righteous jerk to me is uncalled for; that of course does not justify any actions I take that are unnecessary.  This is another reason I have holed up so much the last two weeks.  I'm really getting tired of people who are my friends in one regard or another mocking something I do that's not what they enjoy.  I guess this is just a huge mess of bad timing and so forth, and a little of the adage, "Do not poke the dragon for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup."  I'm also in a perpetual hungry state because I've been forgetting or skipping meals.  Oopse!

It makes me think about a recent conversation I had with a friend.  We were discussing the affects of music on the listener and how listening to "Christian" music made us feel as opposed to listening to "secular" music.  It's very entertaining to think back on my own various views on this topic over my own history and I will say this up front: I do not think there is a right or wrong way to listen to music.  What I mean is that as  a Christian saying, 'Do not listen to any secular music!' is silly and foolish and ignorant.  There is a particular group that is not a Christian group, however they play some of the most encouraging, positive music out there - and even sing about positive figurative women.  I think I'm coming back to a point where I need to monitor myself more.  My fluctuating attitude could be an indicator of something else - or perhaps I'm just crazy and getting really annoyed with music with lyrics.  I've been listening to a lot of soundtracks, mostly because it helps with writing and that's what I've been doing a lot of lately. I'm sort of rambling on this topic since I have no succinct thought or point to make other than the affect of what you put in is curious as to what comes out.

Writing Excuses did a fun blog today about NaNoWriMo.  I found what they had to say fun and encouraging and realized that today, as I sit in the office completely by myself, I sort of wanted the sound of voices so I started playing a bunch of the old podcasts I have not worked my way through yet.  I have been at a point while looking at my NaNoWriMo novel and realizing I have yet to reach the end that it's very alarming how large it's growing.  I was listening to one of the podcasts when I had the idea that I really did want to beef up the beginning some and that it would be very interesting to cut the novel I am working on into two, maybe three bits, making each their own stand alone 'novel'.  This would let me explore two characters that didn't get much feature, and to really build things up and perhaps set the second bit up better.  Again these are just ideas, and I will finish what I've started before I go back with a pair of scissors and white out and a red pen.  Partially I say this because should I want to submit it, in it's current length it's far too long I think.

I'm dragging today, and badly.  I'm not regretting my choice to go and see Boondock Saints II AGAIN last night - yes, I went to go see it AGAIN!!!!  I spent the better half of yesterday with my friend that just got back from a cruise catching up and hanging out.  We watched the first one and even though she was on some rather uncomfortable medicine prepping her for surgery today, we went to go see it.  It was just as good, if not better, the second time around.  Dear Lord I like that movie!!  I did not get to bed before about 1am, wrote half of what I should have, but I don't regret it.  Those are the times you can never replace.  :) 

Today is Monday, there is officially one more week left of NaNoWriMo and hopefully soon I will get my peptalk from Robin McKinley.  I very much want this peptalk!!  I am waiting, opening my email excitedly each time....and as of yet have to find one.... I have Eddy Izzard playing to keep me company because I'm in the office alone, still, because as of yet nothing has changed since earlier.  I think that I need to stop rambling...