Okay, if you're single, even if you aren't a Christian, some of this will make you laugh.  Micah turned me on to stuffchristianslike.com and I couldn't resist filling out the score card.  I'm bolding the questions that apply to me, and adding my own answers below them.  You'll figure it out.  You're smart!  Now, I haven't gone to church regularly for a while, so I'm basing this off of the last church I was a member of.

The Surviving Church as a Single Scorecard

1. Your church doesn’t have a singles ministry. = + 1 point

2. Your church has a singles ministry but it’s combined with the college ministry which creates opportunities for conversations like this:

Student: “My roommate bought a microwave for our dorm room. I love being a Freshman!”

Single: “My 401K is underperforming.” = +2 points

3. Your church has a singles ministry but it’s a triad that combines college, single adults and divorce recovery. = + 3 points

4. Your church has a singles ministry but it’s the dreaded quad, combining college, single adults, divorce recovery and retired widowers that refuse to move to Florida. = +4 points

The last church I was an active member of, had a huge singles ministry.  The main singles events were open to anyone who was basically over the age of 18, and single.  That's it.  Granted, there were supplimental groups, but when you went to the meetings they covered everything from moving into your new dorm to living on your own and organizing home care.

5. Someone pays you the world’s most backhanded compliment, “I just don’t understand how someone as great as you isn’t married yet.” = +1 point

How do you reply to that?  Like seriously!  "Yeah, me neither."  I can't count the number of times someone has said this to me.  The times that really sucked - when it was a fairly nice guy friend that I could have possibly have dated, were he not affraid of me.  I seem to inspire terror in the male sex.

6. Someone told you, “If you stop looking for love you’ll find it.” 2 points for each time you’ve heard that.

I didn't know I was looking for it....

7. At church, people give you weird looks if you refuse to sit in the “singles” section of the sanctuary. = +1 point

Because I can't have lots of friends, and even *gasp* ones who aren't single?

8. When people introduce you, they say, “This is Matt, my single friend.” = +2 points

"Hi, I'm Cid and make boys cry." I think that would be a much more effective way of introducing myself. I establish the fact that if you're easy to intimidate, I will scare you, and later on we could mention the fact that I'm also single!

9. When people introduce you they feel compelled to list out your accomplishments, “This is Sally, my single friend who owns her own home, drives a luxury sedan and has a very, very stable job.” = +3 points

Usually the first thing people mention is the tattoos and roller derby, then the rest...

10. Your friends that have been married for 15 minutes act like they suddenly don’t remember anything about dating and therefore can’t give you any advice. “It’s been so long since I dated, things have changed so much. I’m just out of that whole scene.” + 2 points

I don't ask for advice, so this really doesn't apply to me.

11. People are constantly volunteering you for things because, “you’re single, you’ve got so much free time.” = +1 point

I'm always - always - busy.  This seems to just shock a lot of people.  I don't understand this reaction.

12. People at church act a little surprised when they ask you, “How are you doing?” and you respond with, “Things are great right now. I love my life!” = +1 point

Yeah, as if my life cannot be fulfiling without a partner.  I'm busy!  I don't always need someone to take care of on top of what I'm doing - and having fun!

13. Married friends try to live vicariously through you, asking questions like, “What did you do this weekend? Road trip? I bet you went on some crazy cool, singles road trip, right?” = +2 points

Yeah, okay, granted I am the type who would and will take crazy road trips, but it doesn't mean it's a singles adventure.  Maybe I'm going to a convention or something, huh?  But there are a lot of weekends I stay at home - writing.  People give me really crazy looks when I say that, but it's the truth!

14. Someone you just met for the first time said a sentence like this to you, “If you want to get married, you need to ______.” = +2 points

I was once told that if I wanted to get married, I needed to lose weight, get the tattoos removed and then I tuned them out.  I was shocked.  I think I wanted to do bodily harm to the person.

15. Whenever married friends call you at noon on a Saturday, they start the conversation by saying, “Did I just wake you up?” = +3 points

Okay, with this one it's my own fault. I regularly sleep late on the weekends!

16. You assume that if you don’t get engaged by final exams of your senior year in college you’ll never get married. = -2 points

I had a professor in college who told me this.  I was in my senior semester, dealing with some really bad issues thanks to a guy who decided punching me in the face was a great idea, and then I heard this.  For that whole last semester of college I thought about this, and I let the fear that she was right sink in.  I don't believe it any more, but for a while I did.

17. You’ve secretly always wanted your own cat but are afraid that ownership of a single kitten will become some sort of gateway drug to becoming “the cat lady.” = – 2 points

18. You’ve ever given an impassioned, enraged monologue on the injustice that men who are single get to age gracefully and be considered “bachelors” while women are instantly judged as “crazy cat ladies.” = – 3 points

I think I have done this - because it's true!  Men are allowed to age and stay single and noone really cares.  But if a woman wants the same thing, there must be something wrong with her!

19. You’ve got a “don’t perpetuate the cat lady stereotype,” monologue locked and loaded at all times and have already stopped reading this post so you can put it in the comments section. = – 5 points

20. Someone has quoted the “it’s not good for man to be alone” Bible verse to you. = +2 points.

Are we sure that verse is talking about being married?  Can't it talk about, like, walking to your car in the middle of night in downtown or something?

21. When friends invite you to their church they start the invite by listing both the quantity and hotness of the singles that go there. = +1 point

Yes, I feel sorry for the people I'm introduced because they get that deer-in-the-headlights look.  Quick, your on the spot, make yourself look good!

22. That friend was named Jon Acuff and he said, “No one in Atlanta should ever involuntarily remain single with so many awesome single people at North Point Community Church.” (I’ve said this a lot. My bad.) = + 3 points

23. Your married friends tip toe around you during February because they think you’re too delicate to handle the completely made up holiday, Valentine’s Day. = +1 point

I don't usually even remember Valentine's Day exsists.  Most of the time it arrives, and I'm clueless until the day of.  In college I avoided going to the caffeteria on V-Day because they made such a huge deal out of it, and that was awkward, but usually I don't care!

24. You are too delicate to handle Valentine’s Day and have been known to describe it with a rich tapestry of words no Christian should even know exist, never mind actually say out loud. = + 1 point

25. The person that leads the singles ministry at your church got married in 1964. = +10 points for each decade they’ve been married.

26. Someone told you, “Maybe you need to focus on being more like a Proverbs 31 woman.” = 2 points for each time it wasn’t sincere encouragement.

To the people who have every suggested this.... HAVE YOU READ PROVERBS 31??  You can BE that person - without being married.  And I think that a "Proverbs 31 Woman" is the kind who could also be very happy on her own, ya know, taking care of the 101 businesses she starts and all her crafty adventures and stuff.  Just saying. 

27. You didn’t know you were supposed to be unhappy as a single adult until you went to church and found the singles ministry to be akin to a support group. = +3 points

Yeah! I sort of like my single life.  I can do whatever I want! Why am I supposed to be upset about this?

28. Upon hearing that you went on a first date with someone, your single friends at church stop inviting you to the single events because “you’re in a relationship already.” = +2 points


29. Upon hearing that you went on two dates, your married friends at church start telling you, “I’ll be praying that this is the one!” = + 3 points

I tend to date guys who don't fear commitment, they're also the kind of guys who state early on where they see the relationship going.  I, however, like to take things easy and not too serious in the beginning.  Friends, or even the guy, saying things like that - or mentioning the M or K words (Marriage, Kids) freaks me out.  I feel like they're tightening the noose already.  Um, do we have to already?

30. Your best friend of 15 years gets married and then suddenly acts like a magical gap has opened up between you and decides that until you get married too you can’t be close again because you just don’t understand each other anymore. = +3 points

This royally sucks. I hate that this happens.  I don't understand it, especially when we were all friends before they got married, but it keeps happening.

31. To justify giving a four week marriage sermon series to a congregation that is 60% single, the pastor throws out one blanket statement like this at the beginning of the series, “And you single people listen up to this too, this well serve you well when you get married too.” = +2 points

The trick of preaching directly to one group of the congregation and hitting the othes with stuff they didn't know they need to know, only works so many times, and after a while it gets old or we resent it.

32. You set your alarm to “not going to church today” after the first week of the marriage sermon series. = – 2 points

Whoopse....

33. The only time your married friends invite you over is when they need a babysitter. = +3 points

We've already stopped hanging out because I'm single, so they don't ask me over to watch the kids.

34. Someone throws the “Paul was never married” card on you. = +2 points

Wow, REALLY? Like, never??  I NEVER heard that before!

o__o

35. Friends assume that the only qualification that matters to you when it comes to finding a date is that she’s available and set you up with people you have nothing in common with. = +2 points

The paint has been more interesting at times....

36. You’ve ever said the rhyme, “I’m a bachelor til’ the rapture.” = – 1 point

37. During a prayer at church celebrating wedding anniversaries, the person praying says a special prayer for all the people that are still single and lonely. (True story) = +1 point

*sigh*  Again?  Can't we just remember that I'm happy this way?

38. You have a friend that feels like creating a dating profile on eHarmony is a sign that you might not be trusting God enough to provide a soul mate. = + 1 point

Because you can ONLY meet someone at church...

39. You’ve developed highly sensitive, “They’re about to throw the bouquet” radar and know exactly when to leave a wedding. = +2 points

HAAHAA!! OMG YES!! I usually find a reason I really have to go put on more lipstick, or pee, or fluff my hair.....

40. Instead of saying that you’re “single” your friends describe you as “Not married yet.” = +2 points

Okay, most of this was for fun, but seriously - it's how it is in a lot of circles, not just Christians.  My score was: 40somehing